Focusing on the emotions that are

I am afraid of snakes. Very afraid. I’m so afraid of them, I have a hard time looking at pictures of them. I feel anxious just hearing other peoples’ stories about encountering them.

Larry has found about five snake skins in the yard this summer. For a few days after he finds them, I move carefully when I go outside. I examine every stick from afar before I venture into the yard.

When he saw a live snake in the side yard near his truck, I could barely listen to his story. I thought about it later, feeling anxious and worried. I wished for winter.

So why am I including with this post a photo of a snake skin?

I made myself take the picture. Though I felt fear, I made myself walk up to the skin. I held up my phone and took several photos. I made myself look at the photos.

I’m not sure if this “exposure” did much good. When I was flipping through the photos on my phone earlier this week, I shuddered—I did that “jump out of my skin” move—when I unexpectedly saw one of the snake skin photos.

But still, I keep looking at the photo. And I’m sharing it with you.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety over life issues in a similar way. Life has been hard lately, as you know. Bedtime is probably the hardest time because I have less to distract me.

I decided that I would try an experiment. Instead of trying to immediately change my thoughts or cover up the bad emotions with visualizations or calming recitations, I would focus on experiencing the anxiety.

I feel the anxiety the most in my chest. It’s like a weight in the center of my chest. When panic comes, my chest physically hurts.

I have focused on the hate I’ve felt, too. I’m not proud to say that, but that’s what I’ve felt at times. It, too, is a heavy weight.

Anxiety, hate, anger, hopelessness—they all settle in my chest. I feel like it’s going to burst.

I want to get up and move or talk or read or listen to music.

But I try to lie there and be mindful of how I’m feeling, even for just a short while.

My hope is that the more I face my emotions, the less afraid I’ll be of them and the less I will do to avoid facing the issues that are causing the emotions in the first place.

My focus on emotions is not a new idea. There is a lot of good information out there about living mindfully and accepting our emotions. I did an online search and found some good, science-based information HERE and HERE.

One good thing that has come out of my experimentation with this is that I’ve become less afraid of being still and alone with my thoughts and emotions. I hope this leads to more calmness and peace.

And the snake skin photo? I hope from now on the only snake skin I see will be in a picture. That’s about as far as I want to go with that exposure.

How do you deal with uncomfortable emotions?

Random 5 Friday: Our Baby Sam

Hello, dear readers, and happy Friday to you! I’m joining in Random 5 Friday, hosted by the wonderful Nancy of A Rural Journal, when, as she says, “you can share 5 random facts about you, your day, your pets, your kids, whatever!”

One

Our cat Sam has been sick this week.

She has an ongoing problem with constipation which sometimes requires intervention by the vet. On Monday night, we had to take her to the emergency animal hospital. She was in pain and had struggled for hours to poop.

The treatment apparently aggravated her arthritis, which left her barely able to walk. She saw her regular vet on Tuesday and Wednesday. X-rays showed arthritis in her spine, hips and ankles, but no fractures or dislocations, thank goodness.

She has been on pain medication, and she’s moving around a little now and is looking better.

Sam in the carrier right after the procedure Monday night, before we knew that her arthritis was flaring.

Two

Sam will be 17 years old in October. Larry has had her since she was a kitten, before my time. He said she was so tiny as a kitten, he could carry her around on one hand.

Three

I came into Sam’s life when Larry and I started dating in 1999. I became her mom when we got married in 2003. Sam likes me and trusts me, but she adores her Larry. It is very sweet to see.

I think I've posted this photo before, but it's one of my favorites: Sam and Larry.

Four

Wednesday was a really hard day while we waited for results from Sam’s X-rays. Larry asked me to discuss things with the vet because he was too upset to talk.

It’s hard to accept the fact that your cat is an “old lady,” as our vet called her. It’s hard to accept that you are going to lose her someday. It has to be accepted, of course, but it’s hard to lose a loved one, as all of you know.

Sam is doing better, for which we are so grateful. I hope that she has more good years ahead of her. And I hope that I have the good sense to cherish each day I have with her and Chase Bird and my Larry.

Sam in her fluff bed. I call her Baby Sam sometimes. She seems to like it.

Five

Larry and I seem to trade off being the strong one when needed. Not that both of us can’t be strong at the same time. But when Waddles was so sick, Larry was the stoic one while I cried myself sick. With Sam, though I cried, too, I kept it to myself and tried to be upbeat and positive for Larry.

It works for us. We lean on each other when we need to. That’s a comfort.

Expectations

I’ve been thinking for months about an interview with actor Michael J. Fox that I read in the April/May issue of AARP Magazine. I also found the interview online here.

Fox has Parkinson’s disease, and he addressed its effect on his life in the following passage:

“'There's an idea I came across a few years ago that I love,' he says. 'My happiness grows in direct proportion [to] my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations. . . . That's the key for me. If I can accept the truth of “This is what I'm facing — not what can I expect but what I am experiencing now” — then I have all this freedom to do other things.'”

I’ve been pondering this passage from the interview for months. I wanted to understand it. I intuitively felt that it could be an important concept for me to grasp.

I copied and pasted it in a Word document and kept going back to it.

I didn’t understand how expectations could be hurtful. Shouldn’t we expect certain things to be a certain way? Aren’t we supposed to have expectations of others?

I finally had a realization about this one evening at home.

I was sitting at my computer, playing solitaire, feeling sad.

I had opened up my Word document earlier in the evening and read the Fox quote again.

But then I started thinking about how a person had disappointed me.

The details don’t matter. The fact is that I had expected this person to do something a certain way, and when she didn’t, I didn’t like it.

I felt terrible. I wondered what was wrong with me to cause this person to act a certain way. I wondered why things never seemed to turn out the way I wanted them to. I knew I was indulging in distorted thinking, but I just kept on and on down the negative trail.

Then the pieces came together. I realized that if I accepted the actions of this person—without judging her or myself—I felt a lot better. I could just let go of the incident.

I accepted her actions. I didn’t try to explain it to myself. I didn’t need to think about it anymore.

I just accepted it. And I couldn’t believe how better I felt. I actually felt lighter.

I create expectations based on all sorts of things, mostly on what I want. And usually the expectations are about things I cannot control.

Getting upset over things I can’t control just doesn’t make sense anymore.

Acceptance of what I can’t control, letting go of expectations—I felt it in action sitting there playing solitaire.

Now I just have to keep on accepting.

I’m still pondering this and thinking about Fox’s statement. What do you think about what he said about expectations and acceptance?

Waiting and delaying: Procrastination

I make a daily practice of procrastination.

I put off tasks I don’t want to do. I lie in bed and sleep until the last minute before I have to get up.

Recently, I was reading through old journals and discovered that I had some of the same goals five and six years ago that I still have today. Unmet goals. Goals I haven’t made much, if any, headway on.

There are things that I should do and want to do that would help my depression and my obsessive-compulsive disorder, things like exercising, getting on a regular sleep schedule, eating a healthier diet, doing more exposures, working more on my writing, getting more involved in my community.

I nap a lot. I usually take a long nap on Saturdays and Sundays. Sometimes I come home from work during the week and take a nap before dinner. I tell myself I’m tired.

But in reality, most of the time I am avoiding doing things, including moving towards goals that would not only help my depression and my OCD but also give me confidence and satisfaction.

I am so frustrated with myself.

What is procrastination?

There is a chapter called “Break a Procrastination-Depression Connection” in The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression: A Step by Step Program, second edition, by William J. Knaus, Ed.D. He says the following about procrastination:

“Procrastination can be a simple default reaction. You feel uncomfortable about an activity, so you avoid it. More often, procrastination is a complex process that coexists with distress conditions, such as anxiety and depression. You put off dealing with what you fear. You believe you are disabled by your mood. Uncertainty can trigger the discomfort-dodging feature of procrastination. If you view yourself as overwhelmed and unable to perform, you are likely to delay taking corrective actions. As a reaction to anxieties, a negative mood, uncertainty, and other unpleasant conditions, you do something different or nothing at all” (p. 58).

So what is a person to do?

Knaus gives lots of good advice. Cognitive changes are one way to address procrastination. You can change your perspective, he says: “To break this procrastination-depression connection, look for weak points in the connection. For example, if you have the energy to think depressing thoughts, you have the energy to think proactive thoughts, such as ‘I can slowly work my way up from under this malaise’” (p. 60).

He advocates taking actions that are “definable, purposeful, measurable, and achievable” (p. 60).

One way to do this is to use the procrastination flip technique, which is the process of doing the opposite of what procrastination thinking wants you to do.

For example, if you are putting off exercising, something you know could help your depression, you push yourself to go for a walk.

Emotive changes can be used to combat procrastination, too. “A combination of normal discomfort-dodging and depression can be like a double whammy. It will help if you accept that this combination goes with the territory. You are then more likely to feel tolerant of discomfort and more willing to allow yourself to start” (p. 61).

That connects with what my therapist told me about accepting my anxiety and the feelings it causes.

Thirdly, behavioral changes can be used against procrastination. Recognizing the diversions you take to avoid doing what is more important can help in coming up with an action plan. For example, an action plan to help you move beyond mindless diversions may be to do one small productive activity every day for five minutes at a set time.

Taking action is a key component of Knaus’ techniques. Taking action, even small actions, whether or not you feel like it, can help to fight procrastination.

So there are things I can do about my procrastination besides just complain about it and feel bad about it.

I can work to recognize the thoughts that lead to procrastination and talk back to the thoughts. I can accept that my depression and anxiety may make my procrastinating ways worse. I can take small actions every day to combat the problem.

I’m working on it.

Do you procrastinate? How do you get past it? Please share your ideas!

Words of Anxiety

I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. I can pinpoint the causes in some cases. Some of it comes from my habitual procrastination, which I’m going to post about on Wednesday.

Some of it comes from things going on in my life.

However, I can’t always name the cause. I just feel it and experience it.

Some days I have anxiety in the 7 and 8 range. I’ve noticed that I feel it especially at night when I’m trying to go to sleep.

I’ve had trouble falling asleep. I’ve tried my usual tricks of reciting poetry and prayers and thinking positive thoughts, to no avail.

I toss and turn and watch the minutes, and then hours go by on the clock. My anxiety rises even higher.

I finally fall asleep, but wake up again and again throughout the night.

Then I wake up in the morning with anxiety, sometimes with my hands actually shaking.

Since my usual tricks haven’t been working, I’ve been trying to “sit” with my anxiety, as some of you fellow bloggers have written about, including Krystal Lynn.

Metaphorically speaking, much of my anxiety seems to settle in my chest and move outward to my arms and hands.

My heart doesn’t always beat fast, but I feel bursts of adrenaline. I feel hyper. I feel like something bad is going to happen. My arms and hands feel tingly and agitated, or sometimes numb. I can’t relax.

And, of course, my thoughts are racing, moving from subject to subject.

I’ve started concentrating on how my body feels. I focus on my chest and at first try to just experience the feeling without describing it to myself.

Then I talk silently to myself, describing how I feel, using words like afraid, antsy, adrenaline, dread, excited, wired.

I even used a thesaurus to come up with other words to use to describe how I feel: apprehensive, disquieted, distressed, jittery, taut, troubled and watchful.

And, in a surprise to me, it seems to work. I have awakened during the night, realizing that I fell asleep a lot faster than I thought I would. I use my self-examination tools again, and fall asleep again.

And I haven’t been waking up in the morning with as much anxiety either.

I don’t really understand how this is working. Accepting the anxiety and just concentrating on experiencing it is somehow easing it.

  What are some ways you deal with anxiety with no apparent cause? What words describe your anxiety?