Taking a week off

This is just a note to let you know that I will be taking this week off from blogging.

My focus is scattered and my creativity feels low, which I’ll write more about at a later date.

I am looking forward to a week where I can regain that focus and the flow of creativity.

  I’ll still be reading your blogs and keeping up. And I’ll be back here writing on Monday, Dec. 3.

  Have a wonderful week!

A change in plans, and more OCD in the kitchen

Thanksgiving cooking ended up differently than I thought it would, and I had more exposures for my OCD than I had planned for.

We had plans to eat with one of Larry’s relatives. So I was going to do some light cooking, just a cake and maybe a side dish or two.

Then on Tuesday, Larry’s relative had to cancel the dinner because of illness.

Early Wednesday morning, before work, I was at the grocery store with my list, picking out items to fix the dishes I had chosen to cook for Larry and me on Thanksgiving.

Later that day, Larry got a turkey breast to fix with some dressing, and I got a vegan fake turkey product to try.

I admit I was not looking forward to getting in the kitchen to do a lot of cooking. OCD was making me dread the stove and the cleanup.

Wednesday night I made a cake and a congealed salad with cranberry sauce.

This round of cake baking was a little easier than my last adventure. I put the eggshells on a plastic bag so I could scoop them up easily and not contaminate the counters (though I did clean them good afterwards).

And I did OK with turning the oven off. I stared at the knob on the stove for a minute or so, but I didn’t turn the stove on and off.

My anxiety level during the cake making process was at about a 60, lower than last time.

I can’t say the same for when I used the stovetop. Once I turned off the stove, I turned it back on and then off twice. I hated giving in. My anxiety was at a 75 or 80 during that episode.

I also had some anxiety about using the can opener for the cranberry sauce. I always meticulously clean the opener after I use it, and I worry about getting off any food residue, even if I don’t see any. But I got it done.

On Thursday morning, Larry woke up with vertigo and didn’t feel like cooking the turkey breast. So we put that off until today.

On Thursday I cooked a hearty vegetable casserole and fixed some mashed potatoes. I found myself having an anxious moment when I turned off the oven, turning it on and off once after initially turning it off.

I’m not sure why I had this problem Wednesday and Thursday with the stovetop and then the oven. It may be that I was just generally anxious about the extra cooking I was doing.

  A good point was that I didn’t ask Larry to check the stove behind me. I wanted to, and even started to at one point. But I knew it would not be good for my exposure and response prevention attempts.

All in all, my cooking anxiety Thursday probably averaged a 70. Once the food was eaten and the cleanup finished, it dropped rapidly.

We had no meat Thursday, but we still enjoyed our food and were grateful for it.

Thursday afternoon? I took a nap. I probably slept more than I ordinarily would have because of the anxiety.

And today, Larry is fixing the turkey breast and I will probably cook a corn pudding.

I realize that a lot of people cook everyday and have little to no anxiety doing it. But that’s just not me at this point.

But despite my ongoing battle with the question, “Is the stove really off?” it’s getting a little easier.

  Does your anxiety get worse when your plans suddenly change? How do you handle sudden changes?

Giving thanks for things I often take for granted

  In a continuation of my posts on giving thanks, I’m writing today about things that I’m thankful for that I often take for granted:

• I always have enough to eat. I have gone though financially difficult times, but I have never gone hungry.
• I have access to clean, safe, healthy food.
• I have plenty of clean, safe water to drink.
• I live in a solid, warm, safe house. I have never been without a place to lay down my head at night.
• I have access to health care.
• I have the means to pay for my health care and prescriptions.
• I am able to get treatment for the health problems I have.
• I am in good health overall.
• I had the opportunity to get a good education.
• I have a job, and I like it.

To those of who celebrate Thanksgiving, have a safe and happy holiday. And to all my readers, may we always be grateful for the gifts in our lives.

Giving thanks for good treatments for mental illnesses

In honor of Thanksgiving on Thursday, I’m writing some posts about what I’m thankful for.

In my last post, I gave thanks for my husband. In this post, I’m giving thanks for some of the things that have helped me with OCD, depression and anxiety.

I’m thankful for:

• My first therapist, who recognized the depression I had and referred me to a psychiatrist.
• My first psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with OCD and depression and started medication treatment.
• Anafranil, the first medicine I took for OCD and depression. It lifted me up enough to begin to have hope in life again.
• The books Brain Lock, by Dr. Jeffrey Schwarz, and Freedom from OCD, by Dr. Jonathan Grayson, which have helped me to help myself.
• My family doctor, who treated me for depression and referred me to my current psychiatrist.
• My current psychiatrist, who also diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder and who gave me hope that I could feel better.
• The medications available to help.
• My current psychologist, who is helping me with my chronic depression with an active, intense therapy.
• Exposure and response prevention therapy, which I’m doing on my own right now and which is helping me with my OCD.
• Researchers who are working to help people with depression, OCD, anxiety and other mental illnesses.
• Fellow bloggers who have taught me about living a fuller life.
• Readers of this blog who have supported and encouraged me in my journey.

  What are you thankful for in helping you in your own journey of recovery, healing and working for a better life?

Giving thanks for my husband

The winner of the $10 Amazon gift card is Elizabeth. I have emailed you the code for the gift card. Congratulations, and thank you and all my readers for your support of this blog!

***

I’m going to use this time before Thanksgiving to give thanks for some of the many blessings in my life.

Today I’m giving thanks for my husband.

Larry and I recently celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary. I am forever thankful that I married him.

Words that describe Larry include stalwart, dependable, honest, intelligent, trustworthy, generous, kind and capable.

He had a long career with state government, and he’s now enjoying retirement.

He’s been busy with some renovations to the house, and he’s doing a great job. He’s meticulous and creative in his work. When he’s come up against obstacles, I haven’t worried and I’ve told him not to worry, because I know he’s going to figure out the problem. And he always does.

Larry is smart and analytical. He is also very softhearted and kind. He loves the cats as much as I do and willingly and wonderfully shares in the care of them.

He is a quiet man, and when he speaks his mind, I listen, because I know he has given the subject a lot of thought.

Larry is very supportive of me in my struggles with OCD, depression and anxiety. He has willingly learned more about the disorders. He’s patient with me sometimes beyond measure. And he can make me laugh when I need to laugh.

He’s not perfect, as I’m not, but he’s my best friend and my beloved husband.

Who is one of the persons you are thankful for and why?

I baked a cake

Yes, I baked a cake. A sheet cake, not from scratch, but from a mix, with bought icing. Still, I baked a cake.

And why did I do such a thing? The churches in my area serve a lunch once a week called Second Helpings for those who might not get a good meal at other times, or who just want to socialize with others over a meal.

It was my church’s turn to cook, and my United Methodist Women circle got the dessert assignment. I volunteered to bake one of the cakes. I did so more than a month ago, so it seemed fairly safe at the time. As the time drew nearer to actually do the work, though, I got anxious.



Cake batter in the disposable foil pan I used so I wouldn't have to worry about getting a pan returned to me.



Cooking on the stove is a 98 on my fear hierarchy for checking. But I found out that cooking something in the oven was less anxiety producing than cooking on the stovetop.

I think that may be because the eye on the stovetop seems more dangerous to me than the oven. It’s so hot and so “right there,” and if I don’t turn off the stove properly, my husband could get burned by touching it, or a paper towel or something that rests against it could cause a fire.

Years ago, I let a pot run over and a fire started on the stovetop. I was able to put it out, but it scared me and made me even more anxious about cooking than I already was.

Also, cooking on the stovetop can produce splashes of food. That bothers my contamination OCD.

Cake right out of the oven.

I would put my SUDs score for cooking in the oven at about a 90.

I felt that 90 when it was time to turn off the stove. I turned it off just once, which was a lot better than some incidences in the past when I’ve turned it off and on and off and on over and over.

I did stare at the on/off button, with my reading glasses and without. And I did stop when I got a “right” feeling. But I didn’t ask my husband to check behind me, even though I really wanted to. I knew that I needed to take care of the matter myself.

My anxiety level stayed up for probably about an hour after turning off the stove, slowly ebbing away to about a 40. And I was able to forget about whether or not the stove was off.

I think I was helped by all my recent work on my checking compulsions.

Cake with icing.

I also had some contamination OCD anxiety with the whole cooking thing, more than I thought I would.

One reason was because I had to use eggs, and I am weird about eggs. I’m so afraid of spreading salmonella or some other disease if I don’t clean up after the egg use.

In other words, I worried about the spot in the sink where I set the eggshells once I cracked the eggs, and I worried about any splashes from the mixing bowl on the counter.

So I cleaned with soap and water and with disinfectant cleaner after I had the cake in the oven.

The funny thing is, I have no qualms about eating cake batter, which has uncooked eggs in it. I’m not afraid of getting salmonella—just afraid of spreading it to others.

Then I thought about the quality of the cake. I worried aloud about what if the cake didn’t taste good.

My husband replied, “Well, you’ll never know.”

And I won’t. I wasn’t present when it was eaten, so I won’t ever know people’s reactions to it. That reminder from my husband helped that worry to dissolve.

  The next morning, as I prepared to take the cake to the drop-off site, my husband said, “That cake sure looked good.”

  He sighed.

“But I didn’t get to eat any.”

  So it looks like I’ll be making another cake soon. For my husband.

  Do you have any anxieties about cooking?

One year of blogging

Today marks the one-year anniversary for Bringing Along OCD.

In my first post, I wrote the following:

“I have never talked a lot to others about my OCD, at least not specifically. With this blog, I hope to finally be truthful about the effects of OCD on me and on those around me.

I also want to use this blog to consider the questions I ask myself about OCD. I hope by writing and especially by receiving comments from you, I will gain some understanding.”

Those are still my goals, to be truthful about OCD and to gain understanding by listening to others and making connections with them. I am trying to do the same with depression and anxiety.

  I appreciate you so much, dear readers. I appreciate that you read my posts and make comments and come back for more.

To show a little of my appreciation, I am offering a $10 Amazon gift card to one reader chosen at random.

To be in the drawing, you just have to leave a comment by Friday night (Nov. 16) at 10 p.m. EST.

If you win the drawing, I’ll email you the code for the gift card. And I’ll announce the winner in a post on Saturday (Nov. 17).

This is not a requirement for the drawing, but if you haven’t already joined the blog through Google Friend Connect (at the top of the page on the right, beside my photo), I’d appreciate it if you did.

I love blogging. I love interacting with you and learning along the way. I love knowing that I’m not alone in having OCD, depression and anxiety. And remember: you’re not alone either.

  What is your favorite thing about blogging and/or reading blogs?