OCD: Washer, dryer, lights

I don't like going down into the basement because that's where the washer and dryer are. But the only way I can do the laundry is to use the washer and dryer.

I turn the first light on at the top of the stairs and walk down and around to the laundry area. There’s another light to turn on.

I have no problem getting the water running with the detergent. Then I have to put in the clothes.

The whole time I’m doing that task, I think about the chances of dropping clothes between the washer and dryer or even behind the washer. If I do, the clothes could get hot and start a fire.

After I close the lid of the washer, I check between the two appliances. I stare until I can tell myself, with a “right” feeling, that there are no socks or other small items there.

I know that I didn’t fling the clothes into the washer. I know the open lid, leaning against the washer, would stop clothes from going over it.

But what if I threw them high enough to go over the lid?

I check behind the washer. I look until I feel “right” again.

Then it’s time to leave. I walk to the light switch, then look behind me until I’m satisfied that there are no clothes lying near the washer. Then I turn off the light. I stare at the bulb until I feel “right” about it being off.

Back at the top of the stairs, I look back down the stairs for any fallen clothes that might cause my husband to trip when he walks down. Then I turn off the light and close the basement door behind me.

Then I open the basement door to make sure the light is off. Then I close it again.

When the load has finished, I go back down. I open the dryer and see the worst thing I could see. The clothes from the last wash are still in the dryer.

I take them out. My laundry basket still has unwashed clothes in it, so I try to be careful to lay them on top of the dryer and not let them fall between the appliances or behind the dryer.

I take out the dryer filter. I clean the filter with my back turned to the dryer, because I don’t want any lint to fly into the dryer or down into the filter space.

I drag the lump of lint around and around the filter and its edges, trying to get every bit of lint. Lint can cause fires.

I finally put the filter back in and transfer the clothes from the washer to the dryer.

Then I check between the washer and dryer and behind the dryer. I have to make sure I didn’t fling any clothes back there. Clothes left behind the dryer are scarier than clothes behind the washer. I turn my head from side to side, to catch all angles, and stare until it feels “right.”

Then I pick up the dried clothes and return to the light switch and go through the routine of checking behind me, checking the light bulb, walking up the stairs, turning around, turning off the light and rechecking to make sure It’s off.

I went through this or a similar ritual every time I did laundry for several months.

But now I reattribute and refocus. I'm better at not allowing myself to give in to the compulsive urges to check, check and check.

The initial anxiety making me want to check ebbs away once I get away from the scene and start doing something else.

I have found that the more mindful I am of what I’m doing, the easier it is to refocus on something else and move on.

Do you have checking rituals like this? How do you deal with them? Do you have a success story you’d like to share?

OCD: Picking up sticks

It seems like a stick looking straight down, but at an angle, it looks like a nail. When I nudge it with my foot, it rolls a little, but I still can’t tell.

People are coming. I turn and walk in the direction of my original destination, the student services building.

But it might be a nail. Somebody might step on it and get hurt. It would be my fault.

I turn around again, and I walk back the 10 feet. People are passing by.

I lean forward, put my head down and move it around, like I’m looking over the ground below. Maybe they’ll think I’m just looking for something I dropped.

After they pass, I touch the stick/nail again with my shoe. I can’t tell.

I pick it up. It’s a stick. But it’s a hard stick. I can’t break it. Maybe it’s not a stick.

I place it at the edge of the sidewalk, right where the concrete meets the grass, out of the way of walkers.

I take up my journey again.

But someone could still step on it. And it might not be a stick.

I go back and pick up the stick. Maybe if people see me do it, they’ll think it’s something I dropped.

I carry it with me into student services, into the bathroom. I throw it into the trashcan. Then I wash my hands.

That’s a small illustration of one of my harm obsessions. It was strongest when I was in graduate school.

When I walked on the street or on campus or through a parking lot, I checked for things on the ground that could harm someone.



At one point in my life, a walk along here could cause me a lot of anxiety.



I don’t remember ever finding any nails. But I found lots of sticks and rocks that could potentially be harmful. Or so I thought.

Walking somewhere was never a quick trip or a straight journey from A to B when this OCD symptom was at its peak.

I had to check every stick I saw, every little rock and anything that looked like it could be harmful.

I had to stop and examine it. I had to pick up a lot of things to figure out what they were. And sometimes that wasn’t enough.

This harm obsession was sometimes at odds with my contamination obsession. If I picked up a stick or an unknown object, I was contaminating my hands. But I had to pick it up in order to keep other people safe.

That was what it was all about. Keeping other people safe. It was my responsibility.

So harm trumped contamination long enough for me to get to a sink to wash my hands.

When I started taking medication for my OCD and depression, some of my symptoms got a lot better. The picking-up-sticks was one of those.

My eyes are still drawn to potentially harmful objects on the ground, in the driveway, in the parking lot. But now I have a new tool. I can call the obsession for what it is—OCD—and walk on, refocus.

Have you experienced a checking or harm obsession like this?