A Review of 2014: The Year of Adventure

I hope those of you who celebrate Christmas had a wonderful and peaceful holiday! Larry and I had a quiet but very enjoyable time.

It’s hard for me to believe that this is the last post I will write in 2014. The years go by so quickly now!

Before the start of 2014, I chose a word to guide me through the year: Adventure. I did have some adventures during the year, some fun and exciting, some not-so-fun but life-changing, some big, some small.

Here are some of my adventures in 2014:

January: I opened a freelance editing business.

February: I started thinking about and making notes to write a mystery novel. I went sledding for the first time in years and had a blast!

One of my favorite photos from 2014. It was taken by Larry.

March: I covered the Group 1A boys basketball finals in Richmond and wrote a story about it—me, a non-sportswriter.

April: Larry and I started our first garden in the raised bed.

The raised bed garden in June.

May: I did an interview for a story on OCD and scrupulosity on CNN.com.

June: Relationships with family members changed forever.

July: I started to knit. I went on a ride-along with a deputy with the county sheriff’s office.

Chase Bird doesn't seem to think too highly of my knitting.

September: I made an adjustment in my medications that made a big, positive difference in my depression. I didn't start talk therapy as I planned. I put that off until 2015 because of scheduling problems.

October-November: I started and finished physical therapy for a problem that remains to be diagnosed for sure: Neck? Shoulder? Both?

November: Larry and I tried authentic Japanese food for the first time. We found snow at the Peaks of Otter on Thanksgiving Day.

One adventure I worked on the whole year was reading. Yes, reading is always an adventure for me. I set a goal to read 24 books. I thought that was manageable and not so high that I would set myself up for failure.

I actually went over my goal and read 27 books. That might end up being 28 for 2014 since I’m currently reading one of my Christmas books.

I read a lot of articles and essays, too.

All but three of the books I read fall into the mystery/thriller category. I’m not sure what that says about me. Yes, I love mysteries. But maybe I needed some escape time, too.

Of the mysteries, 15 of them were by John Sandford. I discovered him last Christmas, and as you can guess, I found his stories captivating.

Here are the three nonfiction books I read:

The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness. By Elyn R. Saks.

Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. By Palmer J. Parker.

Blush: A Mennonite Girl Meets the Glittering World. By Shirley Hershey Showalter.

I’m not sure yet what number of books I will set as a goal for 2015, but it will be higher than 24 or even 27. And I hope to include more nonfiction books.

So there’s a quick overview of 2014, one that in no way reflects the complexity of life. I am glad to put 2014 behind me.

On Thursday, let’s talk about 2015.

Readers, what one word sums up your 2014?

Contentment

Happy October! Now that we’ve started the first “full” month of the new season, it really feels like fall to me.

I’m writing about contentment today.

I’ve never had a desire for great excitement or daily adrenaline rushes. I’ve just wanted peace.

For me, peace is a contentment with life. It’s not a life where everything is necessarily going well, or where I’ve reached big goals.

It’s a sense of well-being, a belief that whatever life throws at me, I will handle. It’s the ability to enjoy the moment while moving toward accomplishments I’m passionate about.

I’m feeling more like that lately. With the help of my husband, my cat, my mental health treatment, the people in my day-to-day life, and you, dear readers, I am sturdier on this path I’m on.

I’m not expecting all smooth sailing up ahead. I have far to go and more battles, I’m sure.

But I am believing more in myself and my ability to build that big life—which is really a full life—that I’ve wanted.

Nature is one of the ways I connect to life. I feel a part of something bigger. Even the little bits of nature are beautiful to me.

On that note, can you stand a couple more photos of acorns?

It’s raining acorns here. At least, that what it sometimes sounds like. I sat in the car the other day and just listened to them fall, bouncing on the driveway and ground.

Larry continues to work on gathering them and getting them off the driveway. I loved this pile he made. It looks like the perfect supply for some hungry squirrels or deer.

I noticed an acorn lying flat on the bricks outside the door on my way to work one morning. That evening, I picked it up and was fascinated by the view of the inside of an acorn. In this photo, Larry is holding it up for me to get the shot.

Knitting is still going on inside the house. I bought a larger size pair of needles and some chunky yarn and started another scarf. This one is blue, a color Larry picked out. I love the flow of the bigger needles and yarn.

I’ve been feeling more content lately, and for that, I am thankful.

What has been making you content lately?

Working on it

Changing leaves from a past autumn.

Happy autumn to you, dear readers! It’s one of my favorite times of the year. Perhaps it’s a relic of spending years in school, but the beginning of fall seems like a new beginning to me.

I have been working on getting better since I posted HERE about feeling stuck and full of anguish.

I saw my psychiatrist, and he was concerned about my lack of energy and motivation, my lack of desire to do anything but sleep. We made an adjustment in my medication. It’s one we’ve made before.

It’s too early to experience the full effects of the change, but I have felt more like making plans and setting goals. I am having an easier time starting the day. I am feeling better.

My psychiatrist also thinks it would be a good idea for me to get into talk therapy again to deal with my anger and confusion about my mother. I agreed. I do want to talk with someone nonbiased who can help me find my way through the confusion.

I’m going to see the same psychologist I saw the last time I was in talk therapy. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have an opening until mid-November. I’m on the list to call if he has cancellations, and they did call about an appointment. But it was for a Monday, which are busy days at the newspaper. So, I’ll wait until November if that’s what I have to do.

The idea of taking care of myself, of loving myself, is something I’m still getting used to. It’s not what I was taught to do as I was growing up, and I’ve held on to the belief that thinking of oneself is selfish.

But the time for change is here.

I’m learning more about taking care of myself when I am anxious, angry about the past, or feeling lost.

For example, last week, a particular news story was bothering me. It brought back a lot of bad memories, and I felt tense with anger.

I sat down and wrote down a description of how I felt. I probably frightened the keys on my computer by how hard I was pounding them. But I felt better—relieved, calm—after I finished.

Writing can definitely be therapeutic.

So can knitting. Here is my first knitted scarf:

I love the motions my hands make as they work the needles. I like the way the yarn feels. I like the rhythm. I like having a finished product. I feel soothed.

So that’s where I am right now. Still putting one foot in front of the other, as we all have to do.

Take care of yourselves, love yourselves. And I will see you on Thursday.

I finished

I finished my first knitting project: a blanket for Chase Bird.

It’s not perfect. I somehow increased stitches without knowing I was doing it. And there are some dropped stitches here and there.

The new blanket spread out on Chase Bird's bed under the sofa table in the living room.

But it’s OK that it’s not perfect. Chase Bird doesn’t care about those things. He just wants soft things to lie on.

And I have found that I don’t care about the mistakes as nearly as much as I would have at one point.

I decided ahead of time that I was going to put my perfectionism on the back burner for knitting.

I enjoyed the process of making the blanket. I enjoyed getting through the struggles. I enjoyed relaxing and not worrying about perfect. I enjoyed starting a project and finishing it.

And I know I’m going to improve because I’m going to keep practicing.

I bet I can apply those lessons to other things in life, don’t you think?

And yes, I'm planning my next knitting project.

At first, Chase Bird seemed unimpressed.

But then he decided to give it a try. 

It’s not all or nothing

Sunlight through oak leaves on an early morning in August.

As you know, I’ve recently taken up knitting. At first, I didn’t think I’d ever get beyond a few awkward stitches. It was a struggle for me to become comfortable with the movements of the needles and yarn.

But gradually, things changed. I kept pulling out my knitting bag and doing a little more. I recognized that I was moving my needles more quickly. I was feeling more comfortable.

And I could look at the results and see with my own eyes that I was getting better.

Another example of practice making us better at whatever we’re trying to do.

I know that practice helps. I’ve experienced it. We usually have to practice, have to keep trying, before we reach our goals, before we get to the place we want to be.

So why can’t I keep that idea—that wisdom—in mind with all my efforts?

I think an obstacle for me is the “all or nothing” thinking that goes along with my OCD and depression. With that kind of cognitive distortion, I believe that if I don’t get it right the first time, if I’m not perfect, then I’ve failed. Then it’s not good enough. Then there’s no need to keep trying.

I’ve been trying to make some changes in my daily routine. One change I’ve been attempting is to get up at the same time every day, preferably at an early hour.

All or nothing thinking has been getting in the way.

I’ve tried motivating myself with thoughts of what I’d accomplish by getting up earlier. I’ve set a regular alarm clock on the dresser in the bedroom so I’ve had to get out of bed to turn it off. I’ve charged my cell phone in the bedroom so I’d awaken to a more pleasant alarm (the phone has so many choices that sound better than a blaring alarm or even the radio).

I’ve had mixed results. I’ve gotten up, turned off the alarm, and gone right back to bed. I’ve gotten up, fed Chase Bird, and gone back to bed. I’ve gotten up and stayed up. But I don’t yet have a firm routine in place.

I’ve felt defeated. I’ve felt like a failure, a personal failure. Other people get up at the same early hour every day. Why can’t I? I’ve done it in the past. What’s wrong with me now?

But then I decided to apply the “practicing” way of thinking. Maybe I haven’t defeated my propensity to sleep “just a little more,” but that doesn’t mean I won’t get better at it. Why not just keep practicing? Why not learn from my experiences?

Why not believe that down the road, I’ll look back and see that I’ve improved? Just like I’ve improved in my knitting.

And in so many other things, if I’m honest with myself.

So I’ll keep working at this.

Name something that you have practiced to get better at.

Gardening, knitting, books, and hints of fall

Hello, dear readers. I’m finishing up the week with a hodgepodge of things that I’ve been doing and observing:

Our garden is just about over for the summer. Larry picked these cucumbers and peppers Thursday morning.

We were disappointed that the tomatoes didn’t do well. We also didn’t get any broccoli or fully-grown carrots. But we learned some things that we’ll put to good use next year.

***

The scarf I started knitting has morphed into a kitty blanket. I started out with a width that I thought was manageable and suitable for a scarf. But I quickly found that it’s almost too wide to keep on my needles.

I also discovered that it’s the right width for Chase Bird’s kitty bed that sits under the sofa table in the living room.

So it will be a soft blanket for Chase Bird to lie on.

***

Last weekend I read an excellent book by Elyn Saks: The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness.

Saks is a law professor at the University of Southern California and has many more professional accomplishments.

In her book, she writes about her life with schizophrenia and how she built a life with work, friends, and love while battling it.

I didn’t want to put the book down. It was hard to read in places—she describes her psychosis with honesty and detail—but the way she fought through it to a good life is amazing and inspirational.

If you enjoy memoirs, you will enjoy this book.

***

We’re already seeing some acorns from the oak trees in the front yard. I’m so glad to see them. I hope we have a good crop this year for the animals. And I hope fall weather is not too far away.

This week’s weather in Central Virginia gave us a taste of fall—daytime temperatures in the 70s and low-mid 80s and some of the nights dipping into the 50s. I love fall, and I can’t wait for it to arrive.

But hotter weather is returning next week. Oh, well. Soon.

One thing about this time of year I don’t enjoy: allergies. I’m allergic to ragweed, and apparently, it has arrived. Itchy eyes, sneezing, sniffling—you get the idea.

Are there any signs of fall where you live? Do you even want to think about it? And what have you been up to this week?

Writer’s block and feeling stuck

I’m back. I took an unplanned break from blogging last week after Monday’s post.

I’ve had writer’s block lately. I have vague notions of what I’d like to write about, but no concrete ideas that lead to actual words on the computer screen.

And I’ve been feeling stuck in general.

I don’t know for sure what is driving this feeling of inertia. Larry is doing fine. Chase Bird is doing fine. The newspaper work is going fine. I’ve gotten some very positive feedback on it recently. I’ve been reading some good books. I’ve been knitting.

But I can’t find anything to focus on, to get excited about. I don’t have the energy or the motivation to set goals, to make plans. I’m just stuck.

As familiar as I am with depression, I don’t always recognize its different manifestations. I don’t know if I’m just going through a tough time or if the depression is getting worse as it sometimes does.

I’m sleeping a lot. I’m eating more than I should. I’m not moving as much as I should.

But I’m not totally in the dumps. I’m not completely hopeless. I’m not having panic attacks.

There are steps I can take to try to lift myself out of this. I can get on a regular schedule. I can exercise. I can eat better. I can meditate. I can do things I enjoy. I can listen to music. I can act even if I don’t feel like it.

I will try to get serious about those things this week.

Even if I am depressed, I am enjoying my new hobby of knitting. I started a scarf project on Friday night. I used my original purple project to practice the knit and purl stitches and to learn to cast off. But I wanted to start on a “clean” piece of work with different yarn.

Chase Bird is supervising. I love the expression on his little face. He clearly disapproves of my having control of the yarn.

I’ve made some progress over the weekend. Reading took up most of my time over the past couple of days, though.

Knitting and getting rid of perfect

I am loving this knitting.

As I told you in a post last week, I just started knitting. I’m really enjoying it.

 

See Chase Bird on the right side of the photo? He's sitting on the treat bag that he knocked off the table.

When I think of my father’s sister, my Aunt Esther, the first picture that comes to mind is of her sitting in her house, holding a conversation while knitting away. I hear the click of her knitting needles. I see the movement of her hands and arms.

She would glance at her work every now and then. Otherwise, her focus was on the person she was talking to.

I still have the lavender sweater and long stocking hat she knitted for me when I was a small child. I have the afghan she knitted my parents. The work is beautiful.

Now I’m knitting, though not nearly as well as Aunt Esther.

I find it challenging, especially the purl stitch. My fingers still feel awkward with that stitch.

It’s also absorbing, holding my attention even when I’m watching TV. It’s meditative. It’s soothing. I like the rhythm.

And I like the freedom of creating something. At first, I ripped out the whole piece when I made a mistake. I don’t yet know how to fix a dropped stitch or other mistake, and I wanted to keep my work “perfect.”

But that wasn’t any fun. And I decided that, by golly, I was going to enjoy this. We need to enjoy what we do as much as possible. Do you agree?

So I stopped starting over and just went on knitting even when I knew I had dropped a stitch or somehow added one.

Chase Bird likes knitting, too. Rather, he likes the yarn. He thinks it’s terrible that I don’t let him play with it.

He makes flying leaps toward my lap, his mouth aiming for the yarn. I tug it away from him. He jumps on my lap, trying to get at the soft thread. Alas, I take it away again.

And to make matters worse, I then takes pictures of him.

Maybe someday I’ll knit as well as Aunt Esther. I’ll click my needles together and not even look down. Then Chase Bird will have a better chance with the yarn.

What activity soothes you? Do you practice any skill that an older relative also practiced?

Life goes on

No matter how bad things can be, life around us does go on, and eventually we have to get back into the swing of things and remember our dreams and goals and the seemingly little things that make life good.

I’ve been busy with work at the newspaper. I’ve pushed myself to do things that are self-care measures for me, things like reading, meditating, and listening to music.

I picked up some crochet work to keep my hands—and my mind—busy. Sometimes I like to sit with Larry and watch a good TV show or movie. But it’s hard for me to just watch the screen. I get restless. So working with my hands helps.

I like using the crocheted knitted dishcloths, so I started one of those.

I like to crochet. But I’ve always wanted to knit. I knew how to cast on stitches and do the knit stitch, but nothing else. I read instructions, but I couldn’t make sense of how to do the purl stitch.

A couple of wonderful bloggers that I keep up with have started knitting and have written about their adventures. Buttons of Buttons Thoughts learned to knit and has created some beautiful scarves and hats. Her cows like to model those hats!

And Debbie of It’s All About Purple recently learned to knit and made a stunning scarf. I know she’s going to continue making lovely things.

These two women inspired me to try knitting again, and they encouraged me to get help from online videos.

So I did that. I watched a video on how to purl (over and over) and (finally) was able to call out to Larry in the next room: “I can purl!”

Here’s a sample of knitting and purling. It’s not perfect, but I had fun.

I still don’t know how to cast off work or how to fix mistakes, but I will learn. Meanwhile, I have a new hobby to enjoy and to keep my hands busy.

What’s the newest skill you’ve learned? And when you watch TV, do you have to do something with your hands, too?