Sunday, July 6, 2014

When life seems to fall apart

So much has happened since I last posted. I have struggled with the best way to write this post.
What has guided me in writing it is my belief that I must be honest with my readers, and I must also be honest in order to chip at the stigma that surrounds what I’m about to tell you.

About 10 days ago, my mother attempted suicide. She is 86 years old and lives in an assisted living home with her own room. She took what she described as a handful of sleeping pills on a Thursday night. She was found unconscious by the home’s staff the next morning and taken to the hospital.
The assumption was that she had had a stroke, though when a neurologist examined her, he thought otherwise.
All through the day that Friday, she became more and more conscious. That evening, she told me, my husband and my oldest brother what she had done.

My mother has been depressed for my entire life. She has mostly been untreated. She has taken antidepressants off and on, but she always stopped taking them.

With this incident, she spent three days in a mental health ward. She was diagnosed as depressed. She was deemed not to be a danger to herself and released to go back to her assisted living home. She is not seeking additional help.

Why she did what she did, what she wanted to do—all of that is her story. I can only truly tell you my story.

I have done a lot of reading about the aftereffects of attempted suicide and suicide. But this is not a post about how to care for the one who attempts suicide. It is not about recognizing the signs that someone is contemplating suicide.
Frankly, I’m not in the position to be able to write such a post.
But you can find information about suicide and suicide prevention HERE.

This post is about the messy, emotional aftermath of a suicide attempt by a family member.
Even though I have been familiar with the world of mental health issues for years, I still had a hard time imagining that someone in my family, someone that I knew, would attempt suicide. So I was first shocked. Then horrified and afraid.
Over the last 10 days, I have had a lot of conflicting emotions swirling through me. But the main one has been anger. White hot anger that has made my chest feel like it’s full and about to explode.
And hate. Hate and resentment and bitterness and anger have filled me up.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know my relationship with my mother has never been easy.
Even with that history, my emotions have surprised me and made me feel guilty. I don’t want to be a person who hates. I don’t want to be a selfish person.

Thankfully, I have talked with some wise people who have reminded me that it’s OK to feel this way and that it’s best not to deny the way I feel. I won’t always feel these emotions.
And perhaps others who have been in this situation have felt the same way as I have and felt the same fear about revealing that to others.
So I am revealing it to you.

I’ll be back on Wednesday with a better explanation of what some wise people and some quiet contemplation have helped me to understand.



27 comments:

  1. I am sorry to hear about your mother and her mental health issues. I can only imagine what it makes family and friends feel like. Yes, you've done the right thing to confront your anger honestly and to write about it. I hope you find answers and peace. It sounds like you are on the way.

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  2. Tina, I echo Red's comment, which he said so well.

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  3. Thirding Red. He nailed it. Hugs and thoughts and prayers for you and your family. :(

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  4. i am sorry, tina. i have noticed your absence and wondered if you were just taking time away. i am sorry it was for something so traumatic as this.

    i can imagine the betrayal you feel and the emotional upheaval. bless you.

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  5. Thinking of you and praying for you, Tina! And I'm proud of your honesty, vulnerability, and forthrightness.

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  6. Thanks for this post, Tina.

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  7. Hello Tina, sending prayers for you and your family..I am sorry about your Mom and totally agree with Red above.. It is best to be honest with your feelings and let it out.. HUGS, Eileen

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  8. HUGS Tina Hugs I will be thinking of you and your family at this time while you deal with this. It is a very tough thing to go through for all involved. Get your feelings out. Red is wise.HUGS HUGS B

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  9. I feel saddened for you Tina. With all your personal struggles, this must be such a difficult time for you. You have the tools and strength of character to get through this. Take care of yourself and your own health. I am very surprised the doctors did not put an after care program in place!

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  10. I am so sorry to read this Tina, you give us others courage to express these types of feelings, I think too many of us tend to either sit on them, hide them or ignore them none of which is good for anyone. Hugs xxxooo Lynn

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  11. How you feel is how you feel, Tina, and your feelings are neither "right" nor "wrong." I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and hope you can find some peace in the days ahead. Thank you for sharing with us.

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  12. I'm truly sorry to hear this. When people get in this mindset, they don't think about how hard their choices are on loved ones. Having lost a loved one to suicide two summers ago, I know it is an emotional and terrible thing to go through.

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  13. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time. Thank you for your honesty about your feelings and experience.

    When you write about your mother being depressed for your entire life, mostly untreated, I weep for the little Tina who had to endure that, the little girl who needed her mother.

    It's always hard to know what to write in times like these. But thank you for sharing your heart and pain with us.

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  14. I'm so sorry, Tina, that you have to experience this. I am one of those who does know some of the feelings you express through loss of those I know and of averting suicide with someone I love very much. And I echo those who say you have every right to your own feelings and emotions and let no one tell you otherwise. Depression is such a serious illness -- so few believe it can become a fatal one. Sending big hugs and lots of love your way, along with wishes for peace and healing.

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  15. You have my sincere sympathy. As someone who has had a loved one commit suicide, I don't think we handle dealing with either the act or the attempted act of suicide very well here in America. It is absolutely true that depression can be a fatal illness...that's something I didn't know until our personal experience many years ago. I think we need to bring it out into the open and have open and honest discussions about it as a society, but I don't see that happening any time soon. I think you got the proper advice when you were told that your feeling are legitimate. They certainly are. Though we dealt with this almost twenty years ago, I still have occasions when I feel angry about the whole thing.

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  16. thinking about ya. i know many friends, folks i went to school (several attempts & so sad several that did take their own lives), a few family members who know folks who have gone through it ... sadly suicide is every where & i think it needs to be talked about. & for folks that feel they can get help. that it is ok to call on others. ( :

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  17. I'm sorry about this, Tina. There is a tornado of emotions that occur in these situations that are really difficult to handle. We struggle to find answers, and we lash out in anger and frustration, mostly because we are overwhelmed. It's all normal. I lost a loved one to suicide, and I know exactly what you are going through. I'm glad that your mom survived. And I hope you don't blame yourself for her attempt, or feel somehow responsible.

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  18. Tina, you are handling it and that is a tremendous step. I lost 2 very close relatives to a murder/suicide just 2 years ago. The hardest thing I have ever done is to try to forgive. I say "try" because it is a work in progress. Every person in the world has their demons. Trying to figure out the "why" is seldom easy. I do hope you find peace and want you to know you are not alone in the process.

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  19. Oh Tina! What can I possibly say that would offer you any comfort? I'm so, so very sorry for your pain. I agree that your feelings are simply your feelings. I think it's healthy to acknowledge them. You have a right to feel all that you are feeling. I suspect it is all very normal given the terrible circumstances. I would highly recommend that you contact your therapist if you have not already. Also, gather as much support around you as you can. You need it now. Biggest hugs my friend. I will pray for you.

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  20. I love your honesty Tina. I am sorry for what you are going through right now and you and your family are going to be in my prayers. My brother committed suicide at 43 years of age, 6 years ago. It is traumatic and the feelings we feel, we don't have to feel guilty about. It takes time to work through different stages and all are healthy when you are honest about them to yourself. Hugs.

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  21. My heart goes out to you.... and with it a ton of warm hugs.

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  22. Sending you lots of hugs. Thank you for having the courage and grace to write about this.

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  23. You explained the emotional confusion that happens when someone you love tries to commit suicide. My mother tried a few times making sure I was the one to find her each time. Nothing prepares you for it or the roller coaster of emotions you feel days, weeks or years after.
    Hugs and best wishes for your emotional recovery from this.

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  24. TIna, I was so sorry to read about what has happened; this must be terribly hard to deal with. Please don't feel bad about your response, however - I know that I would feel angry, too. Take care of yourself at this difficult time - I'm sure the lovely Larry already has that in hand! x

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  25. My heart is troubled for the pain you are going through. Sending virtual hugs to you.

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