"Hidden clover" |
Asking myself the question, who am
I, is not new for me. I have often wondered who I am in relation to mental
illness. Would I be the same person if I didn’t have OCD? How would I be
different if I didn’t have depression? Am I who I am partly because of the
mental illness?
I am asking myself the question
with a new concern now.
Since my mother’s suicide attempt
a month ago, I’ve been flooded with all kinds of memories from my childhood and
young adulthood.
Therapy over the years made me
aware of my unhealthy childhood. And I made great strides in moving away from
negative beliefs about myself. In many ways, I thrived.
But I stayed in a toxic
relationship with my mother because I believed I had to. And I never fully
faced what my childhood had been like and how much the anger and resentment I
had stemmed from that.
My mother’s actions and the
aftereffects a month ago tipped me over.
I’ve had to face the fact that I
had a lousy childhood. There’s no longer any way I can dress it up and make it
look reasonably OK for the rest of the world. It’s time for me to be honest
about it with myself and with others.
And I have to look at myself and
figure out how much of this past junk I’m still carrying around with me.
With the help of my psychiatrist,
I’ve realized that my way of being in the world and my way of handling
relationships were heavily influenced and shaped by my mother.
I’ve worked on this before, but
now I am especially mindful about the ways I may be carrying on the habits
learned from an abusive past.
So now that I know without a doubt
that my mother’s influence was and continues to be toxic to me, how do I answer
that question—who am I?
As I am apt to do in any new
situation, I’ve been reading a lot. One helpful work I came across in my search
was an article called “You Carry theCure In Your Own Heart,” by AndrewVachss. The article was first published in 1994 in Parade Magazine.
Vachss is an author and an attorney who works with children and
youth.
Here is a passage from that
article:
“If you are a victim of emotional abuse, there can be no self-help
until you learn to self-reference. That means developing your own standards,
deciding for yourself what "goodness" really is. Adopting the
abuser's calculated labels—"You're crazy. You're ungrateful. It didn't
happen the way you say"—only continues the cycle.”
This new journey of re-understanding
of who I am is a difficult process for me, harder than it ever was before.
Meditation, reading, and writing
in my journal have become very important ways to become aware of who I am
without my mother, without the belief system that she started me on as a child.
I want to be aware of what my values
are, what my core beliefs are.
I keep telling myself, “I can do
this. I am not alone.”
And I’m not alone. I know there are
others who have gone before me who have overcome similar obstacles. I know
there are those struggling with the same sorts of issues. I know there are
people cheering me on. I believe there is a presence of Spirit—God, Creator—that
I don’t understand but am becoming more aware of.
I pray. I meditate. I read. I
write. I knit. I laugh with my husband. I hold my cat. I follow my doctor’s
instructions and take the medication that helps enable me to do what I need to
do.
And I find out who I am.
We are products of where we came from, and some of us have much more to overcome than others in regards to our past. And you are right when you say that you are NOT alone. That's a very important realization. Thank you for trusting us enough to share this Tina.
ReplyDeleteOh Tina HUGS HUGS " “I can do this. I am not alone.” HUGS B
ReplyDeleteAll of these moments your process and realize will only make you stronger. You can do this.
ReplyDeleteit's all way too much for you, and i have no words that can help you!!! i printed out the article you suggested and i am going to read it. perhaps it will help me.......lord knows i need it!!!!
ReplyDeletei hope that you can remap at least part of yourself to overcome her conditioning.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find things you like and I hope you like the real person you find.
ReplyDeleteBrava for your courage and strength. I know this isn't an easy time for you, but it's an extraordinary one.
ReplyDeleteYou have endured a lot. I like how you mention the things that calm you at the end. Thank goodness for those things. For all of us.
ReplyDeleteas difficult and painful as this venture must be, I would imagine that it can also be exciting learning the positive side of you that was tampered with as a child, a treasure hunt of sorts...xxoo
ReplyDeleteI admire you so much, Tina - always seeking answers and working toward figuring out the right path for yourself. I'm fortunate to not have a lot of "baggage" from my childhood, and sometimes it's hard for me to understand how someone like you might not realize what an amazing person you are - it's so easy for others to see! And one more thing: you are definitely NOT alone!
ReplyDeleteFinding out who we are, outside of who we originally thought we were, is courageous and brave work. We're opening ourselves up into the unknown, and hoping that we will arrive to the other side with answers.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, you're not alone. You are amongst those who have walked this path before you and are standing beside you as you discover who you really are.
Sounds like a great article to read, anything that helps you will be good. You are brave and yes you are not alone..Sending big HUGS! Have a happy day!
ReplyDeletei read the article, twice. i sent the link to my sister, we both loved it!! many thanks!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your pain. Hugs.
ReplyDeletegoing to read the article ... thanks, for sharing. big big hugs. ( :
ReplyDelete