Monday, September 22, 2014

Working on it

Changing leaves from a past autumn.

Happy autumn to you, dear readers! It’s one of my favorite times of the year. Perhaps it’s a relic of spending years in school, but the beginning of fall seems like a new beginning to me.

I have been working on getting better since I posted HERE about feeling stuck and full of anguish.

I saw my psychiatrist, and he was concerned about my lack of energy and motivation, my lack of desire to do anything but sleep. We made an adjustment in my medication. It’s one we’ve made before.
It’s too early to experience the full effects of the change, but I have felt more like making plans and setting goals. I am having an easier time starting the day. I am feeling better.

My psychiatrist also thinks it would be a good idea for me to get into talk therapy again to deal with my anger and confusion about my mother. I agreed. I do want to talk with someone nonbiased who can help me find my way through the confusion.
I’m going to see the same psychologist I saw the last time I was in talk therapy. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have an opening until mid-November. I’m on the list to call if he has cancellations, and they did call about an appointment. But it was for a Monday, which are busy days at the newspaper. So, I’ll wait until November if that’s what I have to do.

The idea of taking care of myself, of loving myself, is something I’m still getting used to. It’s not what I was taught to do as I was growing up, and I’ve held on to the belief that thinking of oneself is selfish.
But the time for change is here.
I’m learning more about taking care of myself when I am anxious, angry about the past, or feeling lost.
For example, last week, a particular news story was bothering me. It brought back a lot of bad memories, and I felt tense with anger.
I sat down and wrote down a description of how I felt. I probably frightened the keys on my computer by how hard I was pounding them. But I felt better—relieved, calm—after I finished.
Writing can definitely be therapeutic.

So can knitting. Here is my first knitted scarf:

I love the motions my hands make as they work the needles. I like the way the yarn feels. I like the rhythm. I like having a finished product. I feel soothed.

So that’s where I am right now. Still putting one foot in front of the other, as we all have to do.

Take care of yourselves, love yourselves. And I will see you on Thursday.


  1. hey, i also am living with depression, anxiety, and OCD. i stopped taking my meds, and ended up self-medicating with alcohol. very big mistake. now i'm having to slowly pick up the pieces of my shattered life. i just saw a therapist last thursday, and i'm back on meds, so i'm hoping i'll start to feel more normal and alive in a month or so. plus i no longer drink.

    i'm really glad i found your blog. it gives me hope that i still can somehow make a good life for myself. good luck with seeing the psychologist. i'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.

    p.s. i totally like cats, but no pets are allowed in the high rise building i live in.

  2. Oh Tina Writing can definitely be therapeutic.
    I do know that to be true and knitting well of course:) Great job. One day at a time my friend. HUG B

  3. very glad to hear you're feeling a little better, and always making strides to continue that path.

  4. Writing in my private journal is so cathartic. Glad you have the help you need from others and projects to soothe you. The scarf looks so plush. Wishing you all the best.

  5. Glad to hear that you are getting adjustments taken care of and back into therapy. You've had a rough few months (massive understatement for sure) and hard to process, definitely. Hopefully he can get you in sooner.

    Your scarf is awesome, too!

  6. I like your comparison of fall and starting school. I was a teacher so fall and beginnings has deep roots. Yes, look after yourself.

  7. Your scarf is beautiful -- and I think doing something like that is good therapy -- putting all that positive energy and love into what is coming from your fingertips. It sounds as though you are doing all the right things -- I've long believed (though it sometimes takes a bit for me to practice it) that we can't take care of anyone or anything well until we care for ourselves, treat ourselves gently and with love. Looks like you're putting that into practice!

  8. You're setting a great example for self-care. I think the work you're doing now around your relationship with your mother is going to have a profound impact on your mental health going forward. I think at some point in the future you will look back on this time as being really pivotal...and probably your blogging and sharing with others is helping you get there. It's a privilege to know you and watch you do the hard work. You inspire me.

  9. I hope you can get worked in before November. Glad the med adjustment is helping. LOVE the scarf!

  10. Glad you are working on taking care of yourself, Tina. You are worth tender loving care! I also have always found writing therapeutic. Once my emotions are down on paper, I can pretty much let them go.

  11. Self care is, I think, a really tough concept for people with anxiety and depression. We are so used to mentally beating ourselves up (cause we really think we deserve it). It was a difficult but oh so important thing for me to learn and it literally made all the difference in my recovery. Wishing you well as you continue to work on this my friend.

  12. I've been "working on it," too, lately...I admire your efforts to get on top of the beast that is depression. Keeping you in prayer!

  13. I too am just wanting to sleep. When I sleep all the anxiety and depression does not have to be dealt with. I did start a new counselor this week and for that I am grateful.

  14. what a great scarf and happy to hear you are feeling better! big hugs!! happy fall!

  15. I am a big believer in talk therapy. It's very cathartic! I am glad you're feeling better Tina. And happy fall!!

  16. one foot in front of the other, commonly used by ME!!! keep moving forward tina, you always seem to figure out what's needed next!!

    the scarf is lovely, i love the color, i love the yarn!!!

  17. So good to know you are seeking out those who can help you. The knitting sounds like great therapy. That's what photography is for me.


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