Overwhelmed

That is how I’ve been feeling for a while—overwhelmed. It has been worse this week for some reason.

I have so many things I want to accomplish, and I feel like I arrived late to the game. I feel like I’m behind, and how in the world am I going to catch up?

I am talking about several things here.

Therapy for OCD is one. I have my first session of cognitive behavioral therapy Friday (the first session with the psychologist was more of an introduction), and I feel like I would be better off today if I had started this earlier.

For so many years, I depended on medication alone and my own little tricks. I thought I was doing OK since I wasn’t washing my hands until they were raw or spending hours checking the stove or cleaning the bathroom like a wild thing.

But in the last year or so, I’ve begun to realize that OCD has been holding me back.

I’m also feeling overwhelmed about the therapy session on Friday because I feel like I should go in with a list of my obsessions and compulsions, and I haven’t done one yet. Procrastination rears its ugly head again.

My writing is also causing anxiety. I have wanted to be a writer since I was a child. But I’ve always had some other job, done something else. Oh, I’ve written a lot, in spurts, but nothing sustained.

I found a note that I wrote in a little journal a few years ago. I still haven’t gone through menopause, but every time I see my gynecologist for my yearly exam, he talks about menopause. This is what I wrote: “I never thought I’d get to the age of menopause without having written a book.”

I’m 48 years old, and I’ve been writing off and on most of my life, and I still haven’t pulled together a book.

There are so many things I want to write about. I want to write about my OCD and depression and try to be a comfort and advocate for others who suffer from these and other mental illnesses.

I want to write about my cats and animal rights. I want to be an advocate for them.

I want to write a children’s book about cats.

I want to write about my spiritual life.

I want to write essays about nature and other things I’m interested in.

With any of these things, I need to research, learn and sit my butt down in the chair.

Overwhelmed. That’s what I am when it comes to what I want to accomplish with my writing. I end up not doing much beyond what I have to do at the newspaper.

I also want to get healthy in body, mind and spirit so that I can do the things I want to do. I know I need to exercise, eat better, meditate more, etc. That’s about as far as it gets.

I don’t mean to moan and groan. I am just so frustrated with myself. I know it’s a good thing that I am even trying. I know that it’s never too late to find some way to accomplish the things you want to accomplish.

I am just afraid that I’ll never do it.

I am taking tomorrow and Friday off from work. I have the vacation time, and I need the break. I hope I can calm down and make some starts over the next four days, and continue on from there.

Do you ever feel the way I do? What do you do about it?