Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Lesson in empathy

The writer of the great blog ocdtalk recently wrote a post called “The Nicest People.” The post was thoughtful and raised an interesting question: do people with obsessive-compulsive disorder tend to be nice people?
She described her son who has OCD as “thoughtful, gentle, sensitive, and kind,” and said others she knew with the disorder were the same way.
She suggested that perhaps nice people who were predisposed to have OCD were more likely to develop the disorder than others with the predisposition, because they would give more credence to horrifying thoughts and fixate on them.
This post gave me pause. After thinking about it, I commented. Part of my comment was the following:

All people suffer, all people have burdens. But I think when people suffer so much inside, and many people can’t even tell that anything is “wrong,” they end up sensitive to and empathic with others because they know there’s more to people than what’s on the surface.

I’ve had plenty of experience with people telling me that they never knew I was depressed or had OCD. The pain inside does not always show on the outside.
I don’t think I’ve suffered more than most people. There are many people who have had much more difficult, traumatic and tragic lives than I have.
I do think that having suffered great despair and loneliness, I feel a kinship with others who are suffering. It hurts to know that other people are feeling as bad or worse than I have.
I try to empathize with others and give them the benefit of the doubt.
But, oh, how I can fail at that.
Yesterday, after I read the ocdtalk post, I was out with my husband in a customer service venue. We had a curious response from a person whom we thought worked for the establishment. She gave us what we considered to be poor customer service.
We didn’t say anything to her or anyone else. We just looked at each other and I leaned towards him and mouthed to him something like, “That was rude.”
A few minutes later, we found out she wasn’t an employee, just a customer who was helping out. She was married to an acquaintance of my husband.. After he arrived, she and I chatted a bit while the men talked.
It became obvious that she had some physical problems, similar to a person who has had a stroke.
It was also obvious that she had a hard time getting around, but she was still trying to help out the employees.
I felt horrible.
Out in the parking lot, I told my husband how badly I felt, and he, too, had a different perspective.
I thought about how I had just written about my empathy for others, and my understanding that what’s on the inside doesn’t necessarily reflect what’s on the inside. And then I thoughtlessly judged another person.
And what if she had just been rude? Did that give me the right to judge her? No, I don’t believe it did. People act certain ways for their own reasons. I don’t know what those reasons are. It wasn’t like she was aggressive towards us or mean in a way that called for being defensive. So what if she seemed rude?
This is another lesson for me that actions are more important than feelings. I may feel empathic, but acting with empathy is more important.
I can’t be perfect. I won’t always act with empathy. But I hope this lesson helps make me stronger in that respect.
Thanks to the writer of ocdtalk for starting the discussion and making me think more deeply about my own actions.
Do you think your capacity for empathy has increased because of your battle with OCD, other anxiety disorders or depression, or because of suffering caused by other things? Does it affect how you treat people?

20 comments:

  1. This is a very interesting idea. I'd be curious to see it studied.

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    1. Questions like this interest me, too, Lisa. Thanks for commenting.

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  2. Hi Tina. I'd like to think that my actions toward others are kinder because of my experience with OCD. When my illness was really severe I don't think anyone but my closest confidantes were aware of my intense agony. As I got better I started to realize that others might suffer similar private pain. That being said, just yesterday I was frustrated with several people because of some rude behavior. In retrospect, I think they were just tired and not thinking about how they were acting. I was tired too, so it probably added to my interpretation of their actions. Oh well. I guess today is another chance for me to try to get it right!

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    1. Sunny, That's all we can do, try again! I think it's very natural to feel frustrated with others.

      I think OCDers get so good at "hiding" their behavior and how bad we feel, and that makes us consider that others might be "hiding" how they feel too.

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  3. Hi Tina, Thanks for continuing the discussion! I do feel that I'm a more empathetic person because of my own life experiences. As with most people who have reached a certain age (50's..yikes!) I have dealt with my fair share of life's traumas and realize you never know what may be going on in somebody else's life. But of course I'm not perfect, none of us are, and I'm sure there have been many times when I could have been kinder and more considerate of others. But I am aware of it, and I do try, and really, isn't that all any of us can do?

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    1. Janet, I agree with you. Being aware that people are going through miseries we don't know about it is important, and all we can do is try to follow through with the right attitude. Thank you for getting me thinking about this!

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  4. Hi, Tina,
    I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I think in general it makes me more empathetic -- to a point. I do try to give people a lot of slack, but occasionally I meet someone who wants to take advantage of that and make me into a therapist. Because I come across as confident, people often forget that I, too, am dealing with my "stuff" on a daily basis. I do my best to strike a balance, but some days I'm better at it than others!

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    1. Nadine, You make a very good point. Sometimes people can take advantage of our tendency towards empathy. Sometimes, through the years, I've taken on the role of "listener" in a friendship, without reciprocation.

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  5. Sometimes I wonder if I was more prone to my anxiety and depression due to the fact that I'm more sensitive and empathetic, but I also know that experiencing what I have has helped me understand that there are many things that cause many people to act the way that they do. Still, that doesn't always make their actions right. What I've gone through doesn't always make my actions right. I can have a bad day and be rude to people. Were there reasons? Yes. Was it right? No. I have to accept that of myself and of others. I can understand that there can be reasons for things but not excuses. I can see many of the reasons my dad acted the way he did and did the things he did, but that would never excuse his actions. Working as a teacher, I saw many kids who were going through all sorts of things. It was always important for me to be sure that when I had to correct behavioral issues that I understood why the may have acted like they did, but that what they did still was not okay. It's a fine line to walk and one that's sometimes hard to see, but I always try to look for it. I've also found that doing that same thing with my own actions has been important. If I'm having a bad day, I can know it, I can understand why, but once it starts affecting those around me in a negative way, I have to acknowledge it, pull back, make apologies if needed, and work my way through it. I think that's actually an important part of empathy, understanding the difference between reasons and excuses, in terms of the way I treat others and in terms of the way I allow others to treat me.

    What a thought provoking post!

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    1. You make a wonderful distinction between reasons and excuses. Yes, we may have our reasons for being irritable, but that's not an excuse for acting rudely. And you're right. No matter the "reason," bad and inappropriate behavior does not have to be excused. And I agree that the reasons and excuses play into empathy. Being empathic to others doesn't mean we allow others to treat us badly.

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  6. I think I'm more emphatic towards people ... simply because who knows what is going on in their lives. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, lest I rush into a snap judgement. Of course, I'm not perfect at ALL. My husband is super patient with me and my therapist says that's because of his hydro, that he is just able to be patient and emphatic because he's had his share of problems (especially when it gets bad, it's almost like he's a stroke victim) and knows how frustrating it can be.

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    1. I, too, am not not perfect. I do hope I'm becoming more patient the older I get and the more I learn about myself. Glad you have a patient husband! I'm thankful for the patience mine shows me too.

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  7. Tina, you are so wise and so eloquent.

    I don't know if the OCD has helped me be empathetic or not. I have always been SUPER empathetic to my emotional detriment at times. I have always been super sensitive and it doesn't take much at all for me to shed tears over another's suffering. I have been told many times that I am "too sensitive" and I used to think I needed to toughen up or that it was a bad thing. I think I am now in a place where I am okay with my true nature of being super sensitive.

    That said, I really don't know if the OCD and anxiety helps me with the empathy because they have all always been with me.

    GREAT POST!
    Elizabeth-

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  8. Thank you, Elizabeth!

    I guess we really can't answer the question, which came first? The tendency towards empathy or the OCD/depression?

    I hate that "too sensitive" label. Being sensitive doesn't meant we can't hang tough when troubles come! :-)

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  9. This is really a lovely post. I think I struggle both with judgement and fear of being judged. Perhaps I need to learn not only to have more empathy for others, but for myself as well.

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    1. You make an excellent point. As we have more empathy for others, it's good to remember to have it for ourselves too. That can be so hard!

      Thank you for visiting and commenting! :-)

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  10. Great blog Tina!! I have a close relative who has clinical OCD and I found this post very interesting. Thank you for your comment on my blog. I am going to follow your blog if I may. Feel free to follow mine as well and keep up the good work!

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  11. Thanks for visiting, and yes, I will be following your blog.

    OCD is a strange disorder. There are so many people out there suffering from it who are afraid of telling anyone about it. I was like that for years. I am trying to reach out and help people know they are not alone.

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  12. I'm definitely more compassionate, and I hope more empathetic, though having anxiety can also cause me to be extremely irratable and inpatient so......
    Like you - most people would never know that I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I find that frustrating sometimes. Though I don't want people to know about it for stigma reasons, mostly I just think that telling everyone breathes more life into it and it really becomes a bigger part of who I am.

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    1. POC, You make a good point. Maybe it's a good thing sometimes that we don't look like there's something "wrong" with us. And with some people, unless they're already really close friends, knowing about the mental issues could bring up the stigma.

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