Let the wind take those thoughts away

“Let’s fix some sandwiches and go down to the park for a picnic.”

Larry didn’t hesitate. He hears “go” in a sentence, and he’s ready.

So we fixed some sandwiches and chips, added some drinks and drove to the park. Our town has several parks, but we always visit the one by the Staunton River.

It was a cold and windy Sunday. The temperatures were in the 50s, but the wind made it pretty chilly.

That didn’t stop us. We just put on our jackets, sat close together on the bench by the river, and ate our food.

Larry likes to go. Me? Less so. But on Sunday, I needed to go.

Some things are happening that have upset both Larry and me. The things don’t affect Larry and me directly, but they might affect our community. We’ve both felt a lot of shock and anger.

I can’t be specific about it here. And the specifics don’t change the effects on me.

When things upset me, it’s hard for me to let go. Whether it’s my OCD or depression or the generalized anxiety, negative thoughts lead to more negative thoughts, going around and around.

Thoughts about the situation followed me Friday night into Saturday morning. I woke up often, and every time I did, my thoughts went back to the anger.

I played the “what if” game. I imagined scenarios that only made me angrier.

I felt jumpy and irritable. The symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome flared.

Worst of all, I felt the beginnings of hopelessness, which scares me particularly because it’s a hallmark of my depression.

That got my attention.

I will not let what others choose to do or say affect my mental health.

So I’ve tried different things to counteract the anxiety.

I’ve prayed the Serenity Prayer. I’ve reminded myself of things I can do nothing about.

I’ve also concentrated on what’s most important to me: God, Larry, my cats and my writing. I’ve used visualization as I’ve thought of them.

On Saturday, Larry had a day-long class, so I was home alone. I did some chores, looked after the kitties, took a nap.

I had another spell of anxiety in the evening. I wanted to go outside and run, or at least walk really fast.

I couldn’t do that. But I wanted to do something. I wanted to go somewhere. I wanted to get away from myself.

The picnic helped tremendously. After we ate, we walked around the area, taking photos. We rode back into the newly developed area of the park so I could get some shots of the railroad trestle and some other interesting sights.

Despite the chilliness, the wind felt good. It metaphorically blew away the negative thoughts and replaced them with fun, the beauty of nature and the joy of being with Larry.

And then we went for ice cream.

This will not be an easy week. But when the thoughts creep in again, I’m going to imagine being in the park by the river with Larry, in the wind and the coolness, among the green grasses and the wildflowers. I will imagine the wind lifting me above those thoughts.

What do you do when you can’t get your mind off of a worrisome subject?

Around home: Random 5 Friday

Home is my topic for this week’s link up with Random 5 Friday at Nancy’s A Rural Journal.

My home is in the small town of Altavista, Virginia. Larry and I live in a quiet neighborhood. We have a large yard with woods in the back. We have our share of visitors from the wild, including deer, squirrels, birds and groundhogs.

Home is very important to me. It’s my refuge. It’s my resting place. It’s where I can be totally myself.

Here are some facts about our home.

  

One

I like some color outside around my home. But as you can see, my flowerpots are still empty. I haven’t made the trip to the nursery to buy some annuals like petunias or impatiens to fill the pots. That’s a trip I need to make soon.

 Two

Larry sent some soil samples from the yard to Virginia Tech to have them analyzed. We found out that the yard needs lime. Lots of lime. As in half a ton to start.

 Three

Before our cat Waddles died, she had trouble getting up on and down from the bed, where she liked to sleep, especially during the day. So Larry built a ramp for her to use.

Waddles used the ramp until she died. Sam runs up and down it. Chase Bird jumps over it. He can still leap small buildings.

The ramp has become part of the décor of the house. A beautiful part.

  

Four

When Larry and I started dating and I first visited his house in Lynchburg, one of the first things I noticed was his grandfather clock. The bells rang every 15 minutes. I asked him how he managed to sleep with it clanging, and he said he didn’t even notice it anymore. I couldn’t imagine not hearing it.

Now these many years later, I don’t usually notice the ringing of the clock every 15 minutes either. You really can get used to things.

The only time I do notice the sound of the clock is when I can’t sleep. Then I hear the passage of time very clearly.

Five

This is my space where I write. I create my blog posts here and do my other writing here on my laptop. It’s in a little room we call the futon room because there’s also a futon in the room. It’s a small room in between the den and the living room.

From my seat at my desk, I can hear Larry on his computer or watching TV in the den, and I can hear the cats wherever they are in the house.

I’ve tried other places in the house for my office, including in the basement, but I felt cut off from my family.

 

What do you like most about your home?

Absentmindedness

“You need to pay more attention to me,” said my husband as he walked into the room.

“What?” I asked as I looked up from my book.

I couldn’t imagine what he was talking about.

“You need to tell me when I have food on the front of my shirt,” he said.

Then he began laughing as he told me he had found dried salsa on the front of the shirt he had been wearing all morning. Evidently, he had spilled it the night before, and neither one of us had noticed.

Of course, Larry was teasing me, and he hadn’t gone out in public with the dirty shirt.

But I was reminded once again: I’m very absentminded.

***

The American Heritage Dictionary defines absentminded as, “Deep in thought and heedless of present circumstances or activities; preoccupied.”

***

“Deep in thought” sounds nice—rather cerebral, refined. But for me, deep in thought has often meant I’m mulling over something I did or didn’t do or that I need to do, thoughts that stir up anxiety, obsessions that lead to compulsions.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder can keep those of us with the disorder in our heads, obsessing about harm or cleanliness or morality, reviewing compulsions we’ve done to determine if we’ve done them right.

OCD takes up time. But there are also the lost conversations, the lost movies, the lost sunset, the lost smile—all the things “out there” that we’ve lost because we’ve been deep in OCD thoughts.

***

When I was in college, my mother took me to an ear, nose and throat doctor to have my hearing checked. She said I asked others to repeat themselves too often. “Huh?” and “What?” were too standard for me.

The doctor checked my hearing and said I could “hear grass grow.” He said I needed to start paying attention to people when they talked to me.

***

I think some of my absentmindedness is also related to my introversion. I’m quiet. I often feel more comfortable listening and watching than I do talking. I can easily float away on my imagination, on a story I’ve made up in my thoughts as I people watch.

I forget where I am. I can take a 20-minute shower, walk out in front of cars in the parking lot, forget what I was going to say, walk into a room and not remember why—because I’ve gotten lost in my imagination or memories.

During dinner recently, my husband tried to tell me something, and when I asked “What did you say?” for the third time, he stopped talking until I looked up and paid attention.

***

So I have been brainstorming ways to help me focus better and be less absentminded:

*Do one thing at a time.

*Be intentionally mindful of the moment: notice the sounds, the smells, the sights around me.

*Look at people when they talk to me.

*Remember the river of thoughts and let troublesome thoughts float on by.

*Designate times to daydream and ponder.

I think I’ll always be somewhat absentminded. But maybe next time I’ll be the first to notice the salsa on my husband’s shirt.

Are you absentminded? How do you focus your attention where it needs to be?

OCD and fear of change

My blogging friend Keith recently wrote a great post about change called “If you do what you’ve always done . . .” on his blog Musings of an Unapologetic Dreamer.

In the post, he ponders the quote, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

This resonated with me because I want to make some positive changes in my life, and my tendency is to think about them and wait for them to happen to me.

As Keith says in his blog post, “if you want something different, you need to do something different.”

I want to do something different. I want to start my own business. I want to start a freelance editing business.

Just telling you that is kind of scary. But the real fear has come as I’ve gotten deeper into planning.

Many people have fears when they consider starting a business. They worry about being able to get clients or customers. They worry about being able to make money. They wonder if they have what it takes to be successful.

My biggest fears are connected to my OCD.

I have OCD about reading and writing. When the reading OCD is active, I have a hard time reading a passage without compulsively rereading it. When the writing OCD is active, I may write and rewrite, worrying about whether the correct meaning is being conveyed with my words.

Would having OCD make it impossible for me to be a successful freelance editor? Would I get so bogged down with OCD that I wouldn’t be able to perform the job?

I could physically feel the fear Sunday afternoon as I read about starting a business. My heartbeat quickened. I felt nauseated. I felt a sense of foreboding.

But I also recognized what was happening. I thought about all the times I’ve been excited about making a change, then let fear stop me. I thought about how I want my life to be different, a life lived according to my priorities and values.

I thought about how I want to do something different.

I have OCD. And I have generalized anxiety disorder and depression. But I’m also being treated for them. I’ve learned ways to manage them. I’m so much better than I used to be, and I have every hope that improvement will continue.

The fears I’m feeling are understandable. They are not an excuse to stop my plans.

I didn’t intend to write a post about freelancing yet. But I decided to tell you what I was planning and what I feared. Being open with you about my fears helps me push them back. It makes it easier for me to take the next step in putting together a business.

So more news to come. Stay tuned!

When have you had to push past fear to accomplish something important to you? How did you do it?

What’s going on in my life: 5 facts

If you’re a blogger, do you ever feel like you’ve got some things you’d like to share, but you’re not sure it would take up a whole post?

Do you ever have a snippet of information you’d like to explore, but you’re not sure where it will go?

That’s me today as I link up with Nancy’s A Rural Journal for Random 5 Friday.

Here are five facts about me and my week. I may expand on facts two through five in later posts.

One

I got out into the yard on Sunday to capture some spring in photos. It felt good, even though I had to be careful on the uneven ground.

Our backyard

Azaleas



Azalea bloom



White blooming bush (I don't know its name. Do you?)



Close-up of white blooms



My trusty boot went along for the walk



Two

The depression that I struggled with in January and February has gotten a lot better. The medication change my psychiatrist made seems to have helped. I’m also doing a lot of talking to myself and soul searching about worry, anxiety, expectations and contentment.

And the writing that I do for this blog helps me tremendously. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and one of the things he told me to do was to keep up my writing!

Three

I seem to meet a lot of dogs when I go on interviews for work. I met a sweet Cocker Spaniel this week.

I also seem to forget that some dogs might not like me. I tend to reach out and pet a dog before I’ve given him or her a chance to sniff me and judge me as OK. My husband says he’s afraid I’m going to lose an arm that way.

Four

Speaking of dogs, sometimes it’s easier for me to talk with an animal than a person. I enjoyed that interview that I had, but I still get nervous beforehand, even though I’ve been a reporter for over three years. Maybe it’s about being so introverted.

Do you find it easier to talk with animals?

Five

My husband and I went to a bookstore in Lynchburg Thursday. One of the books I bought was The Omnivore’s Dilemma, by Michael Pollan. I’m trying to find a way to eat that supports me nutritionally and ethically. I’m looking forward to reading this book. Have any of you read it?

Making the most of my time

“Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.”

 –William Penn

I’ve been imagining what others would see if they had open access to view me and my actions, hour by hour, like a fly on the wall.

I’ve not been doing this because I think my life is so interesting. I’ve been doing it as an exercise.

I’ve been on a quest to use my time more wisely, to live according to my priorities and values. I’ve written about how difficult it is for me to make plans, to motivate myself to do what’s most important for me to do.

This quest has led me to a question: How do I want to spend my time?

Which leads directly to this question: How am I spending my time now?

It’s not a pretty sight.

If others had open access to view my life, they’d see a picture of a woman who sleeps too much, spends too much time in indecision, eats without thinking. It’s a picture of a woman who wanders through her day.

How do I get to a place where I’m using my time to do the things that matter the most to me? How do I reach the point where what I’m doing reflects my values and gives my life meaning?

I’m feeling rather desperate. I’ve read books about time management. I read a great book about how habits develop.

I know that habits that I developed from having OCD are ingrained and it’s going to take a lot of work to develop new ones. I know that chronic depression makes it harder sometimes to take action.

But Lord help me, I’ve got to do better than this.

Remember what my therapist told me about what happy people do?

What they do, he said, is choose to do things according to their values. They do things that are meaningful to them, that make their lives meaningful.

I have finally taken the time to sit down with paper and pen to write. I usually compose on the computer, but when I’m trying to figure something out, trying to make plans, set goals, I find that physically moving a pen or pencil along a page helps me.

I made a list of my priorities in life. That wasn’t hard. My priorities are my relationship with God, my husband, my cats and my writing.

Under each, I’ve begun listing ways that I can better spend my time to reflect the fact that they are my priorities.

For example, to build and experience my relationship with God, I can spend time meditating and reading scripture.

To build a stronger writing life, I can spend time on my memoir, journal and read.

My next step is to start building those things into my schedule.

And there are all the connecting parts of my life to consider, too, like making time for relaxation, exercise and fun.

Once I put pen to paper and started writing, I began to feel better about my prospects. I’m planning now, making small changes along the way.

I’m moving towards making the most of my time.

How do you decide how to spend your time?

More mental health in pop culture: “Call Me Crazy: A Five Film”

What is it like to have an illness that might take away all your dreams? What is it like to have others look at you as weak and a burden because of your illness? What is it like to be a family member of someone with an illness that makes him or her different, that might even make them embarrassing to be around?

“Call Me Crazy: A Five Film,” a Lifetime Movie, explored these and other aspects of mental illness.

It aired Saturday night, and as I watched it and thought about it afterwards, I felt hope: hope that lots of people are working against stigma surrounding mental illness and renewed hope that people can live full and happy lives despite having a mental illness.

Thanks to Sunny at 71 degrees and Sunny, I knew about the film beforehand and planned my viewing accordingly.

The stories

The film is made up of five intertwining stories focusing on four people suffering from a mental illness and their family and friends.

“Lucy” is about Lucy, a law student who has schizophrenia. At the beginning of her story, she has stopped her medication and ends up in a mental hospital for treatment.

Lucy doesn’t have much hope for a normal life. She doesn’t think she can finish law school and help others, like she had planned.

Her doctor tells her to prove others wrong and go for her dreams.

In “Allison,” we meet a 19-year-old woman visiting home from college with her boyfriend. She’s upset when she learns that her older sister, Lucy, will be returning home from the mental hospital.

Allison believes that Lucy has stolen a normal family life from her because of her schizophrenia. She is also very angry because in the past, while hallucinating, Lucy tried to choke her.

Allison and Lucy have some honest conversations. While no grand resolution is reached, they both come to understand each other better.

“Grace” focuses on the young daughter of a woman who has bipolar. Grace feels responsible for taking care of her mom, whether she is lost in depression or acting recklessly during her manic periods.

Grace’s mother stops her medication and goes on a wild adventure with Grace and her friends, eventually scaring them with her daredevil driving.

After Grace proclaims that she is done with her mother and that she only wants to move far away from her, her mother seeks help.

Later Grace, writing an essay as part of a college application, calls her mother her hero because of the strength she shows in fighting her disease.

“Eddie” focuses on depression. Eddie is a stand-up comic who can make people laugh. After the show, though, he wants to be alone and sleep away the time until he has to go on stage again.

His wife notices that his humor has gotten darker and seems to center around suicide. When she discovers that Eddie has stopped seeing his therapist and has planned his own suicide, she is devastated.

Eddie comes home and finds that his wife has discovered his secretes. She goes with him to his therapist’s office, seeking help for his depression.

 “Maggie” is about a woman returning home from war, suffering from PTSD after being repeatedly raped by her commanding officer, who was later killed in war.

She loses custody of her son after she attacks her father during a flashback, thinking that he is the commanding officer.

Lucy, now out of law school and working as an attorney, takes on Maggie’s case. Maggie is without hope. Lucy tells Maggie her own story of mental illness and triumph, and reminds Maggie that there is always hope.

She goes to court with her, arguing for help for Maggie so that she can once again become productive in society.

My take

I found all of these stories refreshingly honest. While everyone’s problems are not solved in the course of the stories, everyone does gain a little hope. They seek help, they get help, and they begin the journey of getting better.

Some of them were hard to watch. It’s not easy to watch someone in the depths of despair, wanting only to die. It’s not easy to watch someone held captive by voices that tell her it’s time to die. It’s not easy to see a young girl trying to control her out-of-control mother.

I could particularly relate to Eddie’s story, especially his sense of hopelessness and the inertia that he feels.

I also related to Lucy’s sense that her recovery depends on multiple things, not just taking her medication as prescribed.

I applaud the actors, writers and directors and all of those involved in putting together “Call Me Crazy.” I think the portrayals of mental illness, and its effects on family and friends, will only help the cause of removing the stigma surrounding mental illness.

If you watched “Call Me Crazy,” what did you think of its portrayal of mental illness? And in general, how important is a sense of hope when facing obstacles in life?