Monday, December 19, 2011

Where does the lonely hide?

Sometimes I think that because I have OCD, anxiety and depression, I’m extra sensitive and hyper-alert to how I feel. I monitor how stressed I feel, how down I get, how tense.
I try to be aware of any changes because if I need to make an adjustment in medications, I want to jump on it quickly. And lately, I’m analyzing myself more closely to try to decide if I want to take cognitive behavioral therapy.
But sometimes the feelings sneak up on me.
I had a semi-pleasant day today. I conducted an interview and wrote four stories for the paper tomorrow. It was hard for me to concentrate and settle down to write the stories, but I managed to get them done and get home at 7:15.
Once I got home, I thought things were OK. I told my husband about my day, watched part of “Jeopardy” and snuggled with my cat Sam.
But I started thinking about Waddles and, as soon as my husband left to go get some takeout for dinner, I had a deep crying spell over her.
Waddles was my beautiful baby cat who died in October. I wrote about her and the incredibly positive impact she had on my life in a past post.
I just fell down into the grief of losing her. I wanted to have her with me so badly. I didn’t want to go on without her.
When my husband got home, I told him how lonely I felt without Wa. He said he understood because she and I had spent so much time together.
I am still grieving. I understand that. And I understand that I’ll never “get over” her. I don’t want to.
But I have become more able to get things done, to focus on what’s in front of me, of making over the other cats. There are things that I still can’t think about, but the tears haven’t been so close to the surface lately.
I guess what surprised me about the episode this evening was that it seemed to come out of nowhere.
But then I remembered that I got out the Christmas stockings last night, including Waddles’ stocking. Maybe that stocking, which now represents a lost loved one, burrowed down into me and pushed the grief to the surface.
Maybe I’m not as self-aware as I think I am.


  1. Oh I'm SO sorry about you losing your baby kitty. She sure was pretty. As a child I had a cat that looked an awful lot like Waddles. We lost a little 6 month old puppy several years ago - I remember waking up almost every night for 3 weeks just sobbing. It was awful and we only had her for 4 months in our lives. Totally get it. I could be wrong, but sometimes I think people with OCD somehow seem to feel things more acutely. It seems to make the hard things in life even harder. I hope you feel better soon.

  2. Oh, I so understand. Those of use with OCD tend to feel deeply, but sometimes "stuff" it as it's hard to deal with. It is awful when things kind of pile up without you realizing it then it just pops out when you least expect it. Been there done that, twice within the last week. : (

  3. Sunny and Kat, Thank you for your comments and your understanding. Sunny, It's so easy to get attached to our animals, isn't it? Kat, I hope you don't have anymore of those episodes . . .take care!


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.