I haven’t written a lot about depression so far except to mention it as an accompaniment to the obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety I have.
Those of you with OCD know the pain and suffering that go along with the disorder. I have had my share of that suffering.
But for all the pain OCD has caused me and still causes me, I am more afraid of depression.
Medication helped me tremendously with the most horrible aspects of my OCD. That, along with the self-help efforts I’ve made through the years, plus the prospect of starting exposure therapy, give me more hope about living with OCD than with depression.
I’ve read and doctors have told me that people who have OCD also usually have depression.
My depression seems separate from my OCD. In other words, if I didn’t have OCD, I think I would still have depression.
I first thought of the word “depressed” to describe myself when I was a freshman in college. But I remember feeling sad and hopeless as a child, and looking back, I realize I was depressed.
When I’m very depressed, I feel despair. I feel like nothing can make me feel better. I am slow, plodding, and I don’t want to make the effort to do anything. I feel detached from others. I feel dead inside.
I have been on numerous medications for depression and OCD. It’s usually the depression that begins to come back, and medications get changed. I have always been more concerned that the medication helps the depression.
I’m having some problems with depression now. Some of it is situational, I think. I am grieving my Waddles. Some of it, I can’t say what is causing it, except my faulty brain chemicals.
And why does depression scare me?
I am afraid that I will have another episode of major depression. I’m afraid that I’ll feel again like I’m in a dark hole and there’s no hope of getting out. I am afraid of feeling like a dead weight. I am afraid of despair. I am afraid of just existing.
I am afraid that I’ll keep having depressive episodes as long as I live. I’m afraid that depression will always hang over me, no matter how in control of OCD I get.
Yes, I am more afraid of depression than I am of OCD.
How do you deal with depression? If you have OCD and depression, which is harder for you to deal with? Are you ever afraid of your illnesses?