Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Depression: I will not be empty


From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Starry_Night


 

February 6, 2007

  I went to see my family doctor today. I told the nurse that I was there for three reasons: blood pressure recheck, antidepressant discussion and my right ear. But I was really there for one main reason—the antidepressants and the fact that they didn’t seem to be working anymore.
The doctor listened to me tell him how I felt empty (I didn’t tell him that my heart felt empty, something that had come to my mind yesterday and seemed to really describe how I felt.)
He talked about upping one medication and keeping the other at the same dose and coming back in three weeks to re-evaluate.
I was tearful and said that I didn’t even know what I was like normal. I guess I was getting that idea from some of the essays that I’ve been reading in that book about depression, writers on depression. The doctor said, probably when you are really low—and he meant the low without any meds—that is your normal.
That struck me. That was my normal? But that wasn’t normal!
But the doctor said that a bright side to it was that there were so many meds that could lift me up from the bottom and things were getting better in the treatments for depression. He said that I would probably always—the rest of my life—have the low times and have to have the meds tweaked and changed. But like people who were born with something physically wrong with them, I could learn to adapt.
So I up the one medication, keep taking the other, try to get more light (because he said that it could be partly the time of year and the darkness that was affecting my mood), and try to have a more positive outlook.
And that I needed to go to work. I asked him if it would be a good idea to miss a few days of work. He didn’t think so, because he said being at home might make my depression worse. He thought I needed to be out there.
That didn’t please me much, because I was hoping for at least a short reprieve from work. He said that he could write a note for work, but that he thought the best thing for me was to work. So I didn’t push it.
He also brought up the possibility of seeing a counselor, preferably a psychiatrist, if things didn’t get better within the next two or three months.
Is my normal depressed and OCD? Or just depression? Is the OCD keeping me from being normal? So many questions. I wish I was a happy spirit. I wish that I had faith and belief in God that would sustain me. I don’t have enough faith or belief though—it’s so fleeting and so nebulous, I don’t think that I can build a life on it. And I don’t like that feeling of not being able to.

I wrote the above in my journal more than five years ago. It’s a picture of one of the many times I’ve found myself sinking into hopelessness. One of the many times I’ve had to admit to myself, I’m depressed again.
I think differently now about those words “depressed again.” I’ve haven’t been “not depressed” for many years, if my therapist is right about my having chronic depression.
Has my life been all bad, all sad? No. I’ve had many good times and happy times. And I believe that there’s a firm base within me that is content and hopeful.
But depression comes calling with more subtlety than the obsessive-compulsive disorder. I feel exhausted even when I’m not busy. I complain more. I sleep a lot. I have a hard time concentrating. I have a hard time caring about my life. I feel like I’m heavy and have a hard time moving. I don’t want to do things that I enjoy other times. My heart feels empty.
And I don’t even realize it until I’ve been experiencing those symptoms for weeks.
I am doing more now to fight the depression, though. My psychiatrist tweaked my meds, and I’m already feeling better. And I am doing the Cognitive Behavioral Analysis System of Psychotherapy. We start the real work on Friday.
I told my therapist that my family doctor had told me that I would have to adapt to life because of the depression. My therapist told me, “Oh, you’ll do better than that.”
I believe I will.

36 comments:

  1. love the pic you chose for this, it's one of my favs , and Vincent VanGogh is one of my fav's maybe because he suffered from many of the things i seem to suffer from.
    As with you i have no idea what "normal" is because i don't know that i've ever been normal.
    Lately, it seems i keep sinking deeper down into the black hole of my depression, but unlike others i find that i can't sleep, and go over and over in my head all the bad things about me... is that normal for people with servere chronic depression? I don't know, and i don't know that any type of therapy would help me, bacause it seems to come from so many things not just one place. I hope your new therapy works for you. And the sun will fill your life once more.

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    1. Dear Wildflower, thank you for your comment. I can only speak from my experience, but depression can cause too much sleep and an inability to sleep. People have different symptoms.

      My therapist is very enthusiastic about CBASP and confident that it will work. He said it is meant specifically for chronic depression. I have also been helped tremendously by medication. I know medication is not for everyone, but it has been a lifesaver--quite literally--for me.

      Just as I can get better, so can you. The sun will fill your life too. I have hope in that.

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  2. Hey Tina,
    Suffering from depression as well, I think it goes in cycles...it ebbs and flows and I have to remind myself that I am capable of much more and life will be better but the work has to be done first and that's the thing, sometimes yu can't separate what is the depression and what the sadness is from working through all the emotions. When you get to that point of zero, zilch left in your reserve, you remind yourself; THIS TOO SHALL PASS....

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    1. Tracy, It ebbs and flows for me, too. The therapy I'm doing now will be tough emotionally, but it will be worth it. "This too shall pass"--it really is true. It's just hard to remember sometimes. Thanks for you comment!

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  3. I like how you always search for the positivity in difficult things...your posts always seem to conclude with a positive thought about the future. I admire that.

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    1. Thank you, Keith. I think writing helps me sort through my feelings and experiences and arrive at a positive outlook. I just seem to think better on paper.

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  4. Depression is more subtle than the OCD, isn't it.

    Your journal entry from 2007 reminds me of some of mine from 2010 when I finally sought help with medication. I was so tried of trying to pick myself up all the time, dust myself off and then sink back into it once again.

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    1. Elizabeth, The way you describe the process--picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, then sinking again--sounds so familiar, and so exhausting! I'm so glad you sought help and are doing a lot better now than in 2010!

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  5. Yes, you will do better than that! I totally believe that too.

    Depression is very subtle. I don't even really realize it until one day I wake up and I feel like I've got a gigantic weight on my back.

    I'm sorry you've struggled with this for so long. I understand the empty feeling. Ugh. It's hard to explain it to anyone though.

    Good luck on Friday. Just think, it may be the first day of the rest of your life!

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    1. Thank you, Sunny, as always for your encouragement! It's interesting that others find the depression kind of subtle too. I guess OCD and anxiety are more "in your face" than depression.

      Feeling empty is one of the worst feelings ever. I don't feel that low now, and I'm thankful for that!

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  6. Great post. This really spoke to me. I think one of the worst things about depression (for me, anyway), is that it feels like it will last forever when I have it. I forget that those really bad funks are temporary like bad weather. I'm making more of an effort to remember that this too shall pass!

    Your doctor's words made me think of something my sister, a teacher, once told me. She described to a child what it's like trying to cope with a learning disability. She told her, "Think of it this way. Most people use Route 6 to get to the city. When you try to go that way, there's too much construction, so you have to take a detour."

    I liked that explanation, and often apply it to my own mental health issues. I can't use the methods most people use to accomplish X, Y, or Z, but it doesn't mean I can't accomplish them - I just have to do it in a different way.

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    1. Jean, I love that analogy that your sister uses! And you are so right--having mental health issues doesn't mean you can't accomplish things--you just do them differently. Thank you for sharing that. I am going to try to remember that way of thinking.

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  7. I am thinking depression is my normal and that it will always be with me in one way or another. It is not only that but the half glass full type of outlook that seems to be normal. It takes over with me.

    I don't have an OCD diagnosis but there are some things I am very OCD about or it it just goes under the diagnosis of anxiety.

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    1. Jen, That half-glass theory--is it half-empty or half-full? I flip back and forth. I am trying to be more deliberate in how I think about things, and try to see it as half-full.

      OCD is classified as an anxiety disorder, and it certainly causes symptoms of anxiety. If you think you have OCD symptoms, or your symptoms are holding you back, please talk with a doctor about it.

      Thanks for you comment!

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  8. I believe your therapist, better that "dealing." the first step in healing is knowing you can! You got it girl!

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    1. Thanks, Jodi. I really appreciate your encouragement!

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  9. It's all about hope isn't it. I think that my depression is usually secondary to my OCD, it comes along when I am feeling hopeless about my future based on my OCD fears, and my OCD struggles. But sometimes, I get depressed first, due to some other difficult situation/trigger, and then the OCD comes along. I agree that it is very subtle. Like you, I suffer from chronic depression. I am curious to hear more about this special form of CBT therapy that you are going through - and how it helps you. The thing about depression that for me is the worst though is the lack of hope, and, like you said - the empty feeling.

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    1. POC, Thanks for your comment! I think the worst is hopeless and emptiness, too. It's like being at the bottom of a pit.

      I will be writing about the new therapy. Even though it includes the words "Cognitive Behavioral," I don't think it's actually a type of CBT, I've learned. But even though it includes the word "Psychotherapy," it's not talk therapy in the traditional sense. We will be "working" during each session. For example, for Friday, I have to come prepared to do an exercise using a real life, specific exchange with another person. It's looking at my interpersonal relations and how I handle them and how that relates to the way I think about myself and others. Through reviewing my histories with the influential people in my life, I've learned how they have influenced how I view the world. I know that's kind of vague, but I will know more as I go through it.

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  10. I know you will too Tina.
    I too will be anxious to hear about this special therapy so I hope you share that with us.
    I think your one step ahead just having the drive and determination. It always scares me when I lose that. I haven't had a bout of depression in years but if it comes my way again I will be much better prepared to know how to deal with it and I will reach out to a doctor right away. I always thought my depressive episode was directly linked to my OCD and the question to myself was, how in the world can you not be depressed if OCD has a hold of every minute of the day you are awake? I would just try to sleep to keep from checking things.
    I wish you the best Tina.

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  11. Oh I forgot, love the VanGogh. I got to see this painting at the art museum in Houston, TX and the colors are so amazing. I didn't realize till I saw it how much the thickness of the paint strokes were and it had almost a 3 D affect.

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    1. Krystal, I think that is so important--to seek help as soon as you realize that something is wrong. I haven't always done that. My therapist said my OCD and depression could be related, but there's no clear cut way to know how. He thinks the chronic nature of my depression and its early onset is probably related to early experiences that taught me to look at the world in a certain (unhealthy) way.

      I love this Van Gogh. I have a print of it, but I've never seen the original. I bet it is amazing!

      Thank you so much for your kind words!

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  12. I felt many times that we have a lot in common, but didn't realize we even use the same words to describe the way we feel.I feel empty, I feel like a robot. I sometimes wonder if I have feelings or emotions. I have taken the highest dosages of medication in vain. Nothing helped as much as having friends who care. I thought i was doing better today, but I was wrong.You will do great Tina. I'm so sure you will. Much love

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    1. Nikky, I'm so sorry you're not doing well. You have friends to care because you are such a caring and compassionate person yourself. You know I have much hope for you!

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  13. I'm sorry you are struggling now, Tina......I wish I could wave a magic wand and make life easier for you. But you have a great attitude and, it seems, a great therapist, so I am sure there are brighter days ahead. You help so many people through sharing your own story......

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    1. Thank you, Janet, for your kind comment. Magic wands would be wonderful to have, wouldn't they!

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  14. I get that way too, wondering what I am like at my normal. Last year, I convinced my doctor to let me wean off the pills and see where I was. It had been years since I was off meds, and I didn't even know what symptoms we were treating at that point.

    It was not a pretty experience.

    Not. Pretty.

    I wrote some beautiful poetry from the creepy haunting images in my head, but my inability to control those images became scarier and scarier.

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    1. Heather, Good to hear from you!

      I don't think it would be a pretty experience for me either. As bad as it can get, it was much, much worse before I started taking medication. For me, medication is an important part of my treatment.

      Thank you for your comment! I hope you are doing well.

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  15. I believe you will, too. Stay strong, be brave and carry on :)

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  16. (P.S. "Starry Starry Night" is my all-time FAVORITE painting! Such beauty!)

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    1. Alisa, Thank you!

      I love the painting too. I love the colors.

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  17. I believe you will too! Good luck Friday and I'm glad you're starting to feel a little better. Praying for you!

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  18. That's an interesting take on depression. I feel like you're going to come to some good places with this therapy. I have suffered off and on w/ depression, and it's a horrible place to be.

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    1. Thank you, Lisa. I like that idea, "to come to some good places with this therapy."

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  19. Hon, I can't relate to the OCD, but I can relate to the Depression. I too, often feel "heavy"...hard to move...and sleep a lot. I often find myself planning out my days and my weeks based around sleeping. I hear you, and I feel your pain. I'm glad you're writing about it all, though. That helps. Prayers for you. Prayers for us all!

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    1. Rebecca, I'm so sorry you have depression too. I sleep so much, too. Thank you for your prayers--right back at ya!

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