Monday, December 10, 2012

OCD and cleaning off the table


This weekend I finished something that I’ve been working on periodically for months. I cleaned off the table in our dining area.
It had been literally piled up with mail and other paperwork—old bills, receipts, bank statements, health insurance statements, etc.
  I wrote about the table back in March. My therapist thought I was avoiding facing the clutter because of the anxiety involved in going through the paperwork. He was right.
Every time I worked on even just a little bit of the clutter, my anxiety would go up to about an 85 or 90 on the SUDs scale.
I was afraid of what I would find—an unpaid bill I had forgotten about, an important notice I had ignored.
And I didn’t want to deal with the decisions of what to do with the paperwork after I cleaned it up.
As I wrote in my March post, my therapist told me it was all about the OCD. It was about my scrupulosity.
So I continued to avoid cleaning up the pile.
I would throw away a piece of junk mail every now and then, but I avoided any deep or methodical cleaning. I just let the paper pile up even more.
The pile had been on the table for a few years. I had gotten into the habit of putting my mail on the table. After I opened it, I left it there.
  If someone was coming to the house, I could sweep it into presentable piles at one end of the table. I managed.
  But the anxiety of having the mess as well as the anxiety of not knowing exactly what was in the pile was always there, sometimes under the surface, sometimes front and center.
So what helped me to finally face the paper?
The approaching Christmas season helped. I wanted to put up a second, smaller tree and use different colors than we used on the main tree in the den. The table was a good place to put the tree.
But I think the lessons I’m learning as I work on my OCD have been the biggest help.
I’ve been learning that facing the fears usually has good results. I’ve been learning that nothing is gained by continual avoidance. I’ve been learning that any anxiety over facing a fear is usually short-lived, and it certainly doesn’t do irreparable harm.
So one evening last week I worked a bit on it. Then I saved the bulk for this past Saturday. I sat down with a trash bag and a couple of banker’s boxes and some file folders and went at it.
I was surprised at how much stuff I could just throw away, and how willing I was to throw the stuff away.
And I was surprised at how quickly the process went after I had a routine going. It took me about an hour to clear the table.
My SUDs score was probably at about a 70 when I started. It quickly dissipated as I finished up the job.
When I had the table completely cleared—that was a good feeling. Then I had a whole space to do with what I wanted. So I decorated the tree and put it on the table.
I don’t have a “before” photo to compare with the “after” photo. I was too embarrassed by how bad the table looked.
But the “after” picture, though a long time coming, is beautiful to me.

  How do you push through resistance to accomplish something that you’ve been putting off?

26 comments:

  1. I think for all of us the anticipation of doing something we dread is almost always worse than actually doing it. Good for you....pretty table :)

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    1. Janet, thank you. The anticipatory anxiety was worse than the anxiety of actually doing it. Once I got started, I didn't want to stop!

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  2. That's truly a happy and victorious picture Tina! It must make you feel good indeed.
    Pushing through resistance is very difficult and I put certain things off for a long time too. Don't really know what makes me do the job when I eventually get to it. Somehow there comes a moment when it just "works". And sometimes it's simply getting fed up with my own behaviour.

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    1. Klaaske, thank you. I am not sure why I was able to do the task this time around. I think I've been focusing so much on my OCD, and all the work really did help. Other than that, I think I was tired of the anxiety of not knowing what was on the table, and I wanted to use it for something nice.

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  3. It looks fantastic - love the little tree! Congratulations to you on facing your anxiety head on to get it done :-)

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    1. Thank you, Lisa. I am relieved to have it done. I put blue and silver ornaments on the little tree since we had all gold, red and green on the big tree.

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  4. I'm doing the happy dance for you! Tackling the table shows such strength because you were facing your fears. Look at the results! I love that you had a filing system to relocate all the keepers. This is much more productive than just creating another pile. Bravo. Your Christmas will be much less stressful. Your little tree is lovely!

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    1. Grace, thank you for doing the happy dance! Christmas, and life, will be less stressful without that pile of paper to look at.

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  5. It is beyond beautiful! I am sooo proud of you!

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  6. Tina, I remember you writing about how this has been an issue for you and the dread and anxiety that accompanied it..are you just beyond happy that you have it accomplished? Because I was smiling ear to ear for you when I read this post.
    As far as how I push through the resistance, well, I don't know that I do it as well as I would like to. It seems like tackling an anxiety-ridden project always goes better when I get down to do it than what I expect. I waste more time worrying about the project than actually doing it. Like I am already worrying about my Spring house-cleaning projects. I always make a step-by-step plan and you'd think I was doing a war plan.

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    1. Krystal, thank you. :-) I had to laugh at your "war plan" remark. I find that I worry more before I do a project than while I'm doing it. It's never quite as bad as I thought it was going to be. I wish I could bottle up that knowledge and remember it every time I'm stressing out over something I don't want to do.

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  7. Hey Tina - were you at my house this weekend???? Really, that was EXACTLY what my hubby and I worked on this Saturday afternoon. Tons of paper piled up that I was just so overwhelmed by. Really great job on working on that. And your tree looks beautiful. It's such a good feeling getting something like that done, isn't it?

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    1. Sunny, thank you. That is so funny that we were both working on piles of paper. It was overwhelming to me, too, and I'm so glad we both got this accomplished! :-)

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  8. A beautiful tree it is to and looks great on your table. I can understand avoidance especially of paperwork. When I am not coping with things very well I tend to put paperwork/bills in a drawer to be dealt with at a later time when I am able to do so. It is a coping mechanism in of it's own I think. Be proud of yourself :-)

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  9. Wow! Congrats, Tina! Sometimes we just need a good motivation- a positive reason to look forward to so we can do the work of fighting the OCD thot.

    Getting file folders and boxes and a trash bin ready with you so you had no reason to stop or wonder where to put the stuff (which was a main fear) was a great idea!

    And the result of your hard work looks beautiful! Way to go!

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    1. Thank you, Karin. :-) It did help to have a positive reason to have a clear table--the tree.

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