Monday, January 28, 2013

A sample of a day with OCD and other anxiety

Some days are easier than others when it comes to OCD. Here’s a description of a recent day and the OCD and other anxiety that I brought along with me:

I woke up thinking about the newsletter.
It was Saturday morning, and I hadn’t done any work on the United Methodist Women district newsletter yet. It was due Monday, so I’d have to do the whole thing that day and the next.
But I also had to go to the chamber dinner that night. I had to figure out something to wear. I had to take notes to write the story about the awards given out. One more story to do Monday.
And I hadn’t even started the book for Sunday school discussion class. Weren’t they on chapter two?
All this before getting out of bed.

I spent a few minutes with Chase. He was a little restless but finally settled down on my lap. While I sat, I thought about the little pieces of lint I could see on the rug. I didn’t want him to possibly eat the lint and have more stomach problems.
When I got up, I picked up lint. And I checked his stool under the window, made sure it was set just so on the little table so it won’t fall off. I checked it every time I went into the room.

While Larry took a shower, I read a bit in a book about nutrition. I suspect a variety of things affect my irritable bowel syndrome, including anxiety. But I’m ready to make some changes in my eating habits.
It would be a lot easier if I started preparing more food at home. That means cooking.
I read over the sample menus in the book. I looked for things that I could buy readymade in the store. I looked for ways to get out of cooking, out of the anxiety of using the stove and cleaning up afterwards.

In the shower, I fought against the urge to open and close the soap bottle more than once. I struggled with the anxiety of not being sure I had closed it properly. I told myself, “I’ll just have to live with it.” But the voice inside my head wasn’t very strong.
I used the razor in the shower. Then I had to put it back in the medicine cabinet, out of reach of curious cats. I placed it on the shelf, stared at it, trying to memorize the look of it on the shelf. Finally, I closed the cabinet door.

After lunch, I worked on the newsletter all afternoon. Over and over, I shuffled through my pile of papers, the documents that had to go into the newsletter. I was so afraid I’d forget to include something.
I copied and pasted, formatted, and checked. Checked to make sure I had copied the whole document. Checked to make sure I had formatted it correctly. Checked to make sure I typed names, phone numbers and emails correctly. Checked and checked.

We were late getting ready for the chamber dinner. I picked out some clothes, tried on a jacket I hadn’t worn before. I asked Larry over and over, does this look OK?
I put on makeup. My lips were chapped. I stuck a tube of lip balm in my pocket, even though I had one in my purse, too. I obsessed over talking to people at the dinner with chapped lips.

I took notes at the chamber dinner, trying to capture what the speakers said so I’d have accurate information for the story I had to write. I worried that I would get something wrong. I worried that I wouldn’t have enough for a story. I’ve done this for over three years, but still, I worried about it.
My newspaper won the business of the year award. So I had to walk up in front of the crowd and stand with my co-workers. Did my clothes look OK? Was my hair flat? Were my lips chapped?

Back home, I hopped back on the computer to finish the first draft of the newsletter. I finished it, but I continued to scroll up and down, reviewing the pages over and over. Was it pretty enough? Was it accurate? Would it be OK?

Does anxiety ever seem to follow you around?

22 comments:

  1. OCD must be so tiring. Your life sounds very busy. Add anxiety and.....well I wish I had advice for you. I do care.

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  2. Thanks for sharing this glimpse into your life. I always enjoy reading. Anxiety does follow me around at times...I tend to be a hypochondriac :)

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    1. Thanks, Keith. There are so many things to be anxious about if we let them, aren't there?

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  3. IBS is so frustrating. The only time mine didn't affect me at all was when I was vegan. I strongly suspect dairy products are a big culprit for me.

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    1. Lisa, Milk definitely bothers me, yogurt sometimes. I am experimenting with cutting down on wheat, to see what that does.

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  4. Good morning Tina:)

    As I read your post I couldn't help but notice 'me' in some of it. As you know I can't relate to OCD with you, but I love to read your blog because I like the sharing and encouraging of the depression that we both suffer with.

    ..... On that note, I can relate to the anxious thoughts of chapped lips and it is awful! I can relate to the jitters of standing before a crowd, awful! I stand there thinking... are my eye glasses straight? are my clothes crumpled ? does my voice sound crackled ? the worst one... my hair, my hair, my hair ??? and another one that is the worst for me... is my word usages, my extent of vocabulary - will they make me sound unintelligent ??? (because of the ECT treatment I've had, most of my short term memory has been regained- but stumbling for words that I need (and I know every one does this from time to time) .. but I am talking about every day common words- even people close to me their names and such sometimes. AND - this kind of worry, anxiety causes my stomach havoc and I must find a bathroom!!!!!

    As Always, I am so thankful to read what you write. I don't like the issues we face- I wish it wasn't so for you, but on the other side of the coin- it makes me feel that I am not alone after all!

    God Bless you:o)

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    1. Deanna, thank you. I am glad that you realize that you're not alone. It helps me to remember that, too!

      I worry about my hair, too, and how I sound when I'm around strangers. So many things that we can worry about. Sometimes it wreaks havoc with my stomach, too.

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  5. I'm exhausted after reading your post, Tina! I'm sorry anxiety was such a big part of that day, which without the anxiety, would probably have been a perfectly lovely day. Wish I could just take your anxiety away.

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    1. Thank you, Janet, I appreciate it. It actually was a lovely day, despite the anxiety, when I think about the good things: I was with my husband for most of the day, he helped give me ideas about the newsletter, went with me to the dinner, where we enjoyed a great speaker, etc. The anxiety was unwelcome, and I wish I was more adept at this point at telling it to go away.

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  6. The short answer to your question: yep. Totally. I'm going through a situation with a bully neighbor that has gotten totally out of hand (it's escalated to a legal battle), and the stress is getting to me. I'm having to use every tool I can think of (yoga, massage, etc.) to keep my anxiety levels at a reasonable level, and it's tough. Your situation, which seems to be about a lot of things converging at once, is something that also aggravates anxiety. Hang in there! Hopefully you'll get to the other side of this soon.

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    1. Thank you, Nadine, and you hang in there, too! I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm glad that you do have tools available to help deal with the anxiety. I hope things settle down very soon for you.

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  7. Sounds like a rough (and I suspect, kind of typical) OCD day. You know, I so admire all my fellow OCD sufferers for the way they (and you) keep on pushing through every day even though just day to day stuff is so difficult. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks, Sunny. I know there are many people who struggle so much more than I do. I remember the days when OCD filled up just about every moment of the day, and it was a nightmare. I'm grateful that I'm in a place today where I can step back a bit and get a breather.

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  8. That does sound like a tough day. My son has autism and OCD. The autism limits his communication skills so I can't always understand what he is struggling with. I appreciate your sharing your "typical day" because it gives me some insight into some of his behaviors and anxieties. Thank you.

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    1. You're welcome, Galen. I'm glad it was helpful. Thank you for reading and commenting.

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  9. Pretty much everyday, though some are better than others. Never absent. I think for me, having more than one stressor is going to mean a higher level,of anxiety. I can pretty much handle worrying about one thing but add more than that to my plate and it can get crazy.happy for you and your paper..congrats.

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    1. Thanks, Krystal Lynn, I appreciate it. Yes, I am like you. More than one stressful task or situation at a time makes me feel overwhelmed very quickly.

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  10. Gosh, this post reminds me of my days.... same types of thoughts but different subjects. I have a lot of days where I have racing thoughts all day. Those are usually very check-ey days for me.

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    1. Elizabeth, I tend to check more when my anxiety is high, too.

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  11. Some days are easier than others, that's for sure. But, for those less than easier one's, we become stronger and better able to deal with the challenges. 

    As far as IBS, I know how fustrating it can be. On those days when my anxiety is relentless, so is my IBS Let me know if you find something to help alleviate the symptoms, although I do know that everyone's are different. 

    Tina, thank you for your opennesss, it helps to know that I am not alone and that we can get through the up's and down's. 

    Madison:-) 

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    1. Thank you, Madison. We're not alone. We need to remember that.

      Thanks for reminding me that we can become stronger from the not-so-easy days.

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