Friday, January 18, 2013

Snow and hope

As I write this, it’s snowing outside, and I love it.
We haven’t had significant snow yet this winter, and I’ve been yearning for it. I love watching the snow as it falls, especially as it falls in the dark, as it is now.
I’m taking pleasure in the beauty of nature. I’m finally able to feel something besides the deadness that has been inside of me.
I was able to see both my therapist and my psychiatrist this week, and it was such a relief. It has been weeks since I’ve been able to match my schedule up with theirs.
I was able to talk about how low I’ve been, about what might be causing this downslide.
My therapist said it was probably a combination of the recent change in medication and an upsetting encounter I had in December that left me feeling helpless.
My psychiatrist increased the dosage of the medication that I’m still on. I was relieved not to have to start on a different one because I’ve tolerated the one I’m on quite well.
The increase in dosage hasn’t had time to work yet, but I’m feeling a bit better just from seeing my medical team and from all the little things I’ve been doing to help the depression.
I’m thinking more clearly. Though much of my thinking is still negative, I’m catching myself more quickly and trying to set my mind on more positive things.
And sometimes it’s just a matter of distracting myself with a book or a conversation or action.
Tonight it has been the snow.
As soon as it really started to pour, my husband suggested going out to eat. He loves to drive in the snow.
So we climbed into his truck and drove to our favorite restaurant. After eating, we walked back out into the falling snow.
I stood in the parking lot and looked straight up. A million snowflakes fell out of the dark straight towards me. I let them land on my face and chill it before I straightened up and walked to the truck.

What has given you joy lately?

30 comments:

  1. What a beautiful moment - one I am familiar with - the giant sky releasing beautiful pieces of snow.

    I'm glad that things were working well - both with seeing your doctors, and the snow making it to you.

    Lately, I have found wonderful joy in my young cousin - she is such a sweet soul, one that I have had such a wonderful time getting to know.

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    1. Thanks, Amanda. Your time with your cousin sounds very special. I'm glad you're enjoying getting to know her.

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  2. I LOVE the way you described this. It's as if the snow invigorated you! Snow really does bring joy doesn't it??

    p.s. Can you send some our way? :)

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    1. Thank you, Keith. It truly did invigorate me. If we have any extra, I'll send some back your way. :-)

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  3. I am so happy for you, that you got to see the doctor and your therapist. I agree with the counselor suggesting that an encounter- one that isn't so pleasant and upset our whole world... and us with depression take a while longer to recover than one with out. I think that is because it's where our disease lives (in the sad/anxiety portion of the brain... so it goes on double overload when the experience happens and it takes us double portions of recovery time to heal back up.... THIS IS JUST ME TALKING, and what I like to tell myself during times like this - I know you know I'm no medical expert, but I just wanted to be clear with that. Anyway, I'm glad to have others who share their experiences... it helps all of us, thank you. And I will be praying for your continued rise of recovering this spell of the 'blues')

    What a beautiful moment you and your husband shared outside in the falling snow!!!!
    God bless:)

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    1. Thank you, Deanna. The encounter did upset my whole world, in a way, and made me feel quite hopeless. And that made the depression worse. Blessings to you, too!

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  4. I also love snow and long for a good snow fall. I just caught up on your week's blog posts for this week. I am sorry things are so hard for you right now but I am glad the snow cheered you.

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    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. The snow came at a good time. I really enjoyed seeing it fall and gather on the grass and trees. So pretty!

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  5. My boys are so eager to get out in the snow!

    Sorry about the upsetting encounter in December. Hope you start to feel better.

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    1. Lisa, thank you. I am slowly getting there.

      I hope the snow sticks around where you are long enough for your boys to enjoy. It's already melting here. :-(

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  6. Lovely description! I'm so glad that you're emerging from this round of depression. We, too, have had a "difficult encounter" recently, and I know how upsetting that can be.

    What's bringing me joy these days is getting the garden started, bit by bit. I've been studying garden books and have set up a design and timetable to follow. I set up a card table in a sunny spot and am spending time each day planting seeds and preparing new beds. We have such extraordinary darkness in the winter here in Washington, so preparing for spring is helping me get through.

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    1. Thank you, Nadine. Your garden preparations sound so bright and comforting! What a wonderful way to get through the darkness of winter.

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  7. I like the image of the snow falling on you. I went for a walk with my husband last night and that and our conversation were both blessings.

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    1. Thanks, Kristina. I'm glad you enjoyed your walk and conversation with your husband. I enjoy spending time with my hubby, too.

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  8. I can actually picture that moment in the parking lot. What a soothing moment:-) I love the way nature and all it's wonder, can help heal us and refresh our spirit.

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    1. Madison, That's a good word--soothing. That's what it was--a soothing and invigorating moment all at once. Nature is indeed a comfort to me.

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  9. I love the snow as well. It has started to snow here in the UK tonight, not heavy but enough to cover the earth in a white pure blanket. Distraction is how I cope when things are difficult. I hope you start to feel better soon.

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    1. Thank you, Behind the Smile. I am glad you're enjoying some snow, too.

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  10. You are such a good writer, Tina girl! I'm so glad the snow is helping your spirits. There is nothing like seeing those fat, puffy flakes fall gently to the earth, is there? And now it's the weekend so you can just enjoy. Take care.

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    1. Thank you, Grace. I love your description of the "fat, puffy flakes." They were huge flakes, falling so fast. So beautiful!

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  11. I remember when my anxiety was bad, meditating on the snow. I was sledding with my kids, trying to stay in the present, and breathing on the snow to melt the snowflakes. It was mesmerizing. Just what I needed.

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    1. Jodi, what a wonderful description of meditating on the snow. Being in the present can make such a huge difference.

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  12. Yes, that was beautifully written Tina..I could just see you standing there. I agree, a snowfall is simply gorgeous. It is so cold where I live and we have been under a blanket of snow for about 5 weeks so I have been yearning for Spring but when I heard we might get another snowfall on Monday it made me smile.
    I think sometimes getting into the doctor, in of itself, brings me some relief. Perhaps it has to do with sharing the pain or state that we are in with someone else, it releases it a tiny bit for me. I hope you feel much, much better very soon.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, Krystal Lynn. I agree that sometimes just talking to the docotr can help. It does seem to release some of the burden.

      I lived in northwest Ohio for 5 years, and we got a lot of snow. But fresh snow was always welcome!

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  13. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I love watching the snow from my window too. I just wish there was a way to keep it from falling on our driveway and my car! It is snowing again tonight.

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    1. Thanks, Karin. Yes, that's the things about snow--it falls where it wants to fall!

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  14. So glad you are getting some successful help. What has given me joy lately? Sunny days in the Portland winter.

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    1. Thank you, Galen. I'm glad you're enjoying some winter sunshine.

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  15. Lucky you! The snow missed us entirely...I was so disappointed, especially after all the hoopla! I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Winter can be such a hard time for those of us who struggle with depression, and I find the weeks after Christmas very challenging.

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    1. Thanks, Jean. Our snow didn't last long--there were some leftover spots today, but most of it was gone. Maybe the next round will come your way!

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