Monday, June 11, 2012

OCD and why I don't cook

I actually own some cookbooks and have a couple of my mother's recipe boxes.

It’s messy and there’s the whole stove thing.
I don’t cook because cleaning up during and afterwards brings out my contamination and cleaning obsessive-compulsive disorder symptoms.
No matter how careful I am, I sometimes spill food onto the kitchen counter when I mix together ingredients. Or I put down a bowl that held one of the ingredients and it leaves behind a ring of sauce, milk or whatever.
If I have to use the can opener, then I have to carefully wipe that off after I finish using it.
I worry that in cleaning off the counter, I may miss a spot and then ants or bugs might come around.
I don’t cook because a lot of cooking requires the stove. I can turn on the stove OK, but turning it off brings checking behavior with it. Is the stove really off, or do I just think it is? If I leave it on, a fire could start, or my husband might lay his hand on the stovetop, not knowing it was on, and burn himself. So goes my thinking.
Pans on the stovetop can also lead to food on the stovetop, leaving another surface to carefully clean and worry about.

Cooking anxiety

I have all this anxiety even though I’ve come a long way in my contamination and checking OCD symptoms.
I used to wipe the counter over and over, leaning down to view the countertop from different angles to make sure every bit was covered with cleaner. Then I’d clean it again. And again.
I used to check the stove for literally hours, staring at the on/off button, turning it on and off again and again, trying to get to the place where it felt “right” that the stove was off.
I no longer take so much time cleaning and checking the stove. I don’t follow through with all my compulsive urges. I can actually clean fairly quickly and turn off the stove in one attempt.
But the obsessions about cooking are still there, and it’s hard to face them every time I want something to eat.
So I avoid cooking.
Oh, I’ll put something in the microwave. But it’s rare that I mix ingredients and cook them on a conventional stove.
When I do cook, it’s a burden. There are so many things to worry about.
And I just don’t like to cook. I don’t read recipes with the same enthusiasm as my mother, who was a wonderful cook when she was still able to do it, and many friends, who discuss cooking like I would discuss a good book or movie.
I wonder if my dislike of cooking is directly related to my fear of cooking. I would guess that there’s at least a partial connection.

So how do we eat?

Breakfast is easy enough with oatmeal or grits cooked in the microwave, cold cereal, fruit or yogurt. I can eat sandwiches or snacks for lunch. My husband and I eat out for lunch sometimes, for dinner a lot.
We fix a couple of meals at home each week, usually using the microwave. We usually cook things separately, since I’m a vegetarian and Larry is not.
Sometimes my husband fixes spaghetti, with one pot of meat sauce and one pot of meatless sauce for me.

I want to cook

I want to cook more. I want to make food so we eat at home more often than we eat out. Cooking would result in healthier meals for me and for my husband. It would save money.
I want to enjoy cooking, because I feel like I’m missing out on something. I even recently bought a new vegetarian cookbook.
And I want to stop avoiding cooking. I want to stop giving in to the OCD and just push through and cook.

  Do you have any suggestions on how to do that? Do you like to cook? What about cooking do you enjoy? How did you get to that place of enjoying cooking?

28 comments:

  1. Sorry that cooking is so difficult for u. I loathe cooking. But I'd rather cook than eat out because I have more control over my food. I know I wash my hands but I don't know if billy bob at the chicken and waffle house does or not. Lol I think you should just try to start off small and work ur way from there. The only thing that makes me happy about cooking is watching my husband enjoy his meal and hearing him tell me thank you and that it was deelish. :)

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    1. That's a good idea, to start off small. I like it when my husband enjoys something I've fixed for him, too.

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  2. I guess you took the first step by saying you wanna like cooking and you wanna enjoy this. I really like it, I prefer baking, but I also love to cook. To create something and then eat it. I know all its incredients, I know what exactly I eat, and it gives me a good feeling that I have done something - it then tastes better.

    Was the cooking always a problem for you? When did it start? Maybe thinking about what caused this, can help you to figure out how to overcome your fear.

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    1. Sanny, When I was a young girl and teenager, I liked to cook. It's when my OCD got worse as I moved into my 20s that I started to fear it. I do want to know what I'm eating and my husband is eating, and I think both of us would be better off if we were eating more home cooking!

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  3. I don't really cook either!! We do take out ALL THE TIME. Our friends think we're so "quirky!" Really, it's my OCD, plus I'm a bit lazy (I do have to be honest). However, when I first started my CBT, one of things we focused on was cooking. I actually made quite a bit of progress in the early days. I'm deathly afraid of giving someone food poisoning. So my doc encouraged me to cook meals for friends, make brownies to bring to church, etc. It was so incredibly brutal at the beginning. I remember standing in the middle of the kitchen with almost an entire roll of paper towels scattered on the floor (because I was re-washing and drying every dish I used). I was just literally sobbing while my mom hugged me. It was sooooo painful. BUT, after a few attempts of this, it did get tremendously easier. For some reason, I stopped cooking - I think I started working on other ERPs. Now it's hard to cook again. I really just have to start dealing with it. Ugh. I still hate cooking though. The only way to work on it is to just plow through it. It's probably better to have someone with you (like a coach) who can help you walk away from the compulsions afterwards. After a while, you should be able to do it on your own. Good luck!!

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    1. Thanks for sharing your story, Sunny! I think I am going to plow through it. I might enlist my husband to be my partner. I figure I won't know for sure if I like to cook or not until the OCD is no longer keeping me from doing it.

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  4. I really love cooking and I really want to start doing more of it. I may use the crock pot a lot more!

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    1. Keith, that's great that you love to cook! There seem to be so many advantages to cooking your own food when you want to. I've heard people talk a lot about how easy it is to cook delicious meals in the crock pot.

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  5. I felt sad reading your post, because cooking is, for me, one of the great pleasures of life. I like the idea of nurturing and nourishing my family with colorful, fresh foods. I love following recipes or choosing not to follow them. I love the smells that fill the house and create the anticipation for the meal.

    I truly wish I could wave a magic wand and relieve the discomforts that make cooking so difficult for you. Though I've never really thought about it this way, I just realized that the kitchen is one place where anxiety does not exist for me. I just don't know how to tell you how to do it. Since your hubby cooks, would it help at all to have him in there with you? I know that doesn't work for a lot of women, but I really enjoy it when my hubby and I cook together. I'm thinking of this because a few days ago I needed to ask hubby's help so I could get through an anxious situation, and we did it in a way that allowed me to grow in my recovery but get support from him at the same time.

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    1. Thank you for your kind comment, Nadine. A magic wand would be nice! :-)

      I have a feeling that I would enjoy cooking without all the cleaning/checking worries. I think I am going to talk to hubby about being my partner for a while. He doesn't like to cook, but he does a good job. I am just going to have to face the anxiety, and perhaps with him there, it will be easier. Then I'll do it on my own and get over that anxiety. I wish it was easier, but then it wouldn't be real life, would it? :-)

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  6. I hate cooking but never thought about it involving my OCD. But you are right, it is the mess I hate! I hate re-cleaning after it was already clean to begin with! And I fear that I may get cleaning products into the food by accident and it may make someone sick! Or I may not cook the food long enough and make someone sick that way! Weird! I think it might help if we practice, that seems to be the key to all this. Practice feeling what we feel and then doing it any ways. Why can't there be an easier way?? LOL

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    1. I'm all for an easier way! But you're right, we have to feel the feelings and do it anyway. Maybe we can work on this together!

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  7. I think you need to find one really fantastic dish that you love so much that you're willing to fight through discomfort to make it. And after you've made it quite a few times, maybe it'll start to feel easier and you'll be willing to try something else. You could start with something simple even - like a grilled cheese.

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    1. That's a good idea, Lisa--getting to eat the good food would be my "reward" to look forward to. Thank you! Maybe someday I'll be doing some of those yummy muffin tin meals like yours!

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  8. I love cooking, baking even more. I even sing while I do it. But I went about 2 years without hardly stepping into the kitchen. Either my husband cooked or we ate out during that time. It was definitely an OCD thing, I avoided cooking because I would be checking everything. Then all of a sudden I had this fierce desire to be in my kitchen like the old days and I love baking cookies and crisps and cobblers with fresh fruit in the summer. So one day I just did it and I loved it so I did it more and more and all of a sudden I was back in the kitchen. When I open a cupboard I will have to "check" to see if everything is organized but I allow myself a one time eye sweep and that is it. I'm sure that is not a proper ERP, but it allows me to bake or cook and that is all I care about. Since my husband and I are both mostly retired (he works from home part time) if I cook, he will clean up and that is a huge help. He does a good job but I also have to accept his "clean up". Sometimes I'll see some salt on the stove top and cringe because he either missed it or didn't wipe off the stove but I let it go cause if I don't want to micro manage or complain about his helping AND alittle missed here and there isn't going to kill anybody. I have let OCD rob me of joy in the past and I am kinda getting to where I am sick of it enough to plow back into doing things I avoided. Let me know what you do and as always, I wish you much success.

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    1. Krystal, thank you for sharing your experience. How wonderful that your love of cooking ended up being stronger than the OCD! I think I am going to start out small try to follow through with the cooking and clean up even if my anxiety is ramped up. That's probably the only way I'm going to get rid of it. Thank you for your support! :-)

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  9. I think starting with small dishes is a good idea indeed Tina. Nothing too complicated but maybe something you really like, like mentioned in these above posts.
    I like cooking, and washing the dishes afterwards are no problem either, as I never have had any of the "regular" cleaning rituals. With me it's quite different, the dishes I do without any problem, but when it comes to cleaning the stove my "thoughts and feelings" must first be "just right". Cannot explain what that "right" exactly is, only that my thoughts are stuck for ages and this causes me to get very upset with myself. So the stove doesn't get cleaned every day. I try not to spill when cooking and when I do and it's not too bad I avoid cleaning it all together. I have problems with certain other household chores in this way too, vacuuming for example is an absolute nightmare. And I've never really come across someone with this particular problem. I waste a lot of energy just getting in the right frame of mind before I can start something and am often tired by the time I manage to start. Wish I could find someone who recognises this.

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    1. Klaaske, I'm not sure if I have the same experience as you, but I definitely know what waiting for the "right" feeling is like. If I get caught up in checking the stove, for example, I don't want to stop until I feel a certain way, until I feel "right." I can't describe it and I can't say what brings about the feeling, but I know it when I feel it. Is that kind of what you experience?

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    2. Yes Tina, it's "just a feeling". I cannot express in words what it is I have to wait for or what makes me so anxious when I try to start before I have this "right feeling". I also cannot tell you what it is I'm afraid of. I'm not afraid of hurting someone or of getting sick myself or something like that. Just that "something" will go horribly wrong when I break with the rule of first having the right feeling. I think you know, but this is impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't got OCD. ;)

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    3. Klaaske, I can't always explain what I'm afraid of, either. It's a feeling that "something is going to happen" but I can't describe what it is.

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  10. Tina,
    That was powerfully honest; thank you! My suggestion is to find some recipe that has few ingredients and few steps and begin with them to get your confidence level going. When you feel comfortable with those few, then expand. I would just start small so you don't overwhelm yourself in the entire process.
    Truth be told, I hate to cook as well and my husband does all the cooking becuase he loves it! I do bake but just not cook!

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    1. Tracy, I've encouraged my husband to cook, but he just doesn't like it. He does a great job when he does, though.

      Thank you for your encouragement! I just bought a vegetarian book with 5-ingredient recipes in it. That seems less overwhelming to me, so I will probably find some simple but tasty things in there.

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  11. It's hard. When I cook, I can't stop staring at the knobs on the stove and my checking is way up that whole entire night after I cook because I keep on having to run my hands over the burners to make sure I turned them off. If my Mom cooks, I only check once or twice but if I cook, the weight of the world is on my shoulders. ALso, I have to wash my hands so much between cutting veggies and this and that because of all my contamination fears.

    I am also a vegetarian... I think we have discussed this before though.

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    1. Elizabeth, It's a wonder I haven't burned holes in the stove from staring at it so much! I wash my hands a lot, too, when I'm cooking, and I use a lot of paper towels.

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  12. I understand this so much. I'm afraid the food is contaminated, that I will get contaminated, that I will contaminate the kitchen and everything I touch, and that my kids and husband will subsequently be contaminated. All utter ridiculousness, but the fears are very real. I've been forcing myself out of the cold cereal and sandwiches routine as much as possible, but for the love of sanity I still cannot deal with meat.

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    1. My fears lie more around the stove, though I worry about contamination, too, and have a real problem fixing food for others to eat. I don't like cooking meat, either, and since I've become a vegetarian, I don't cook it. My husband does.

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  14. In 1990, when I was in the 12th grade, my mom who is quite rigid, and particular about her stove and cleanliness, partially triggered my OCD, by her comment, "What will you do in the future if you cannot turn on a simple gas oven??"
    Not only that, but she has a habit of cooking a large , exorbitant amount of grilled vegetables and soups, and forces my father and me to eat them and to like them as much as she does!
    I have been suffering from OCD since that morning, but have come a long way, but my mother is always in denial about me!

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