Thursday, June 28, 2012

What I don't see when I'm depressed

  This week I’m building my posts around the five senses. Monday I used the sense of touch, Tuesday, the sense of taste and Wednesday the sense of smell. Today, I consider the sense of sight.

A few years ago, I was taking a morning walk/jog before work. I went my usual route. As I ran slowly down the street, I was thinking, but not about my form, my rhythm, or about anything I saw around me.
I was thinking about how depressed I was. How hopeless I was about my job, my future, my life. My feet seemed to plod more than fly. Just one step in front of the other. Just going through the motions.
Sometimes going through the motions is all we can do. Sometimes it’s helpful to do the action first. The motivation will come later.
But sometimes the plodding is just getting through time.
And when I’m just trying to get through time, I miss a lot of what is happening around me.
I miss the sun breaking through the treetops to give a little light to the dark woods beside the road.
I miss the blooms of the flowers.
I miss nature.
I miss life.

I’m in a better place now, but I still find that it’s too easy to get wrapped up in my thoughts and not notice what’s surrounding me.    
Here are some photos of some things I don’t want to miss on my walks.












What do you miss seeing when life gets too anxious or seems too difficult?

20 comments:

  1. Beautiful pics! I miss so much when I am depressed. Just everything really... And later those things I miss become "woulda, should, coulda". Hate when that happens. Have to remind myself to be in the moment as much as possible. Thanks for the post!! <3

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    1. Thank you, Shannon. Yes, those "woulda coulda shoulda" thoughts definitely keep us out of the moment. It can be a vicious cycle if we let it.

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  2. I had a horrible period of both depression and OCD about 15 years ago, it lasted a couple years. I truly believe the medication they had me on was making it all worse, but I didn't know that and I guess my doctor wasn't aware or didn't care. Anyway, I would get up in the morning and basically see that my children's basic needs were met (clean clothes, food) and then transfer myself to the sofa and basically sleep all day, every day. I saw my husband and kids, but not really and I so grieve the loss of those years. Tina, I actually got to a place where I believed they would be better off without me. I saw nothing but the back of that sofa, it was what I would do to avoid getting up and dealing with OCD.
    I was in a terrible place.
    The memory of that time is painful for me and though I don't dwell on it, I know that going through that has made me a stronger person. I am so extremely grateful for each day now that I can "see" and enjoy my husband, children, grandchildren, nature, etc.

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    1. Krystal, I'm so sorry you went through that horrible time. I have had similar times, and I know the memories of them are not good. I hope I have been made stronger, too.

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  3. Looks like you have a lovely place to walk! Those are exactly the kinds of things I miss when I'm overwhelmed with anxiety or depression. Overall the world just seems darker and I get a kind of tunnel vision. Now that I'm getting better, the world is just less scary and there is a lightness about it. I'm much better able to appreciate nature, other people, animals, etc. I feel like I actually see more of what's around me - but I guess it's more that I just comprehend what's around me better now that I'm not in such a depressive/anxious prison anymore.

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    1. Sunny, It is a nice place to walk, especially in the early morning. Your description of "tunnel vision" is spot on--that is exactly how it feels to me.

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  4. Loved this line:

    "Sometimes going through the motions is all we can do. Sometimes it’s helpful to do the action first. The motivation will come later."

    But you're right...we also need to be aware of just plodding through time.

    Love your walking route!

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    1. Thanks, Jean, it's a nice route, when I am disciplined enough to do it! :-)

      My therapist is the one who told me that action comes before motivation--it's one of those "aha" things for me.

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  5. I'm so glad you are able to appreciate those things now!

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  6. Gorgeous pics! Glad you're enjoying the view!

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    1. Thank you, Nadine--the view is beautiful!

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  7. I hear ya. I feel like when I'm having a major OCD episode or anxiety or depression that I go around in a fog and don't see anything except for the thoughts and images in my mind.

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    1. Elizabeth, Yep, those are the times that I can't see the forest for the trees.

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  8. I love how you keep moving now, believing in yourself!

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  9. I relate to this so well. Beautiful pictures. I need to be breathing in the moments.

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    1. Thank you, Heather. Breathing in the moments--yes!

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  10. I miss the happy expression on my husband's face when I am depressed, as when I am he worries about me. It makes me try harder to get better though and I just love it when he is happy again. I am so incredibly blessed with him!

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    1. Klaaske, I'm so glad you have such a wonderful husband! :-)

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