Thursday, June 7, 2012

Tell them how I feel: my battle with chronic depression


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Vincent_Willem_van_Gogh_041.jpg


What exactly does it mean to “stuff your feelings”?
The image that comes immediately to mind is of me pushing hazy objects down into my chest, literally stuffing my body and keeping the hazy objects, or my feelings, hidden.
I have learned as I’ve gone through Cognitive Behavioral Analysis System of Psychotherapy (CBASP) for chronic depression that I have a habit of stuffing my feelings.
But I thought of it as more of a problem of holding anger in and not expressing it appropriately. Expressing and releasing those feelings would just ease up on my anxiety, I thought.
I’m learning there’s more to it than that.
During our last session, my therapist and I talked about an interaction that had occurred at work.
It was a situation where I felt angry and annoyed that I had not been kept in the loop of what was going on in the office.
When this happens, I feel like I’m unimportant in the workplace, and feel very frustrated.
Or, more specifically, the effects of my co-worker doing this is that I feel like I’m unimportant in the workplace, and I feel very frustrated.
It may not be what he intends, but that is the effect.
During said interaction, I was able to express what I would and would not do during the situation we were discussing, but I did not express my problems with what was the larger issue to me: that this is a repeated instance of this co-worker not including me in conversations and decisions pertinent to my work.
In other words, I’ve discussed this with him previously. I’ve had several conversations with him about how I dislike him keeping me out of the loop.
He has been receptive, at least on the surface, but nothing changes very much.
And so we were right back in an interaction where, once again, I found out about something at the last minute and felt blindsighted.
According to my therapist, it was a good thing that I was able to state clearly what I did not feel comfortable doing in this particular work situation. To move the interaction up a notch, to make it even more effective, I could have brought up the larger issue and how I felt about it.
The co-worker might have been understanding. He might have made an effort to change how he did things. He might have told me something along the lines of “so what.” My therapist said. I couldn’t control that.
What I could control was my expression of how I felt.
“But why bother if it isn’t going to change anything?” That was my question.
“Even if it doesn’t change anything, you have reminded yourself that your feelings are important,” he said.
Oh.
It was one of those “aha” moments for me.
He said after being told explicitly and implicitly while growing up that what I felt wasn’t important, I believed that my feelings weren’t important. That made me believe that I was helpless to change anything in my life, leaving me feeling hopeless.
I need to start reminding myself that my feelings are important. It’s not that everything needs to go my way or that my feelings are more important than anyone else’s feelings.
But they are just as important.
So even if telling someone how their behavior affects me, and how I feel about that, doesn’t change the circumstances, it can change me. It can help me feel less helpless and hopeless.
That’s a powerful tool in my work against chronic depression.

Do you have trouble expressing how you feel? If so, how has that affected you? If not, how does expressing yourself make you feel?

22 comments:

  1. Yes, a lot of times I don't express how I really feel because I fear the other person will become angry with me and not like me anymore. As I've gotten older, this has gotten somewhat easier. Also, one of the big things I've learned in CBT was to let my "public mask" down and try to be myself. In doing that, a lot more of my feelings are just sort of automatically being made known. Sometimes people respond to it the way I want, other times not so much. But at least I get it out and I don't get angry at myself for being so "wimpy" about sharing my own feelings.

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    1. Sunny, good for you! I think it has gotten easier as I've gotten older, too, though I have a ways to go. I think as I've gotten older, I care a lot less about whether or not someone likes me because it's really out of my control. And when I don't express myself when I should, I get angry, too, and that doesn't do any good.

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  2. Yes, I don't express my anger very much either, but mostly I find I completely "freeze up" in situations and just cannot find the words to express my feelings at all. This is very frustrating as the anger about it all comes out after the incident.
    I'm so pleased I found your blog I've had OCD since I was 4 years old and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well, so know very well what a depression can do to you. It's nice reading all the recognisable things, so comforting in a way. Thanks for sharing everything you do!!

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    1. Thank you, Klaaske, for your kind comment! It's hard for me sometimes to go ahead and speak up during the actual interaction, and then, like you, I feel the anger later.

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  3. One of my biggest frustrations is when you tell people how you feel yet they don't make any effort to change or accomodate. I'm sorry he isn't more receptive to you.

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    1. Lisa, that is a big frustration for me, too. But I tell myself at least I tried.

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  4. I know growing up I was taught by my crazy church that my feelings weren't important. Only what God wanted me to do or say was. So that made me "stuff" my feelings. Now I am overly emotional, one might say. And it comes out sometimes as a cry instead of me standing up for what I want to say. Nice post!

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    1. Shannon, when I get very angry, I tend to cry, too, and I feel like it makes a bad impression. That's interesting what your church taught. I went to a religious school for high school, and I was taught similar things. But it's people telling us what they think God wants us to do.

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  5. Great post! I'm with Shannon; my anger comes out as crying often, which makes me even more reluctant to express it...I feel like it makes me lose credibility with the person with whom I am angry.

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    1. Jean, thank you! I am the same way. I think I wait until I'm too upset before I try to speak, and then I end of crying. I am trying to be more straight forward earlier in the situation.

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  6. I have a huge problem in expressing how I feel. I just can't do it. I am trying to change but it's coming so slowly. I might be able to write about it but once it is over and certainly not face to face with the person. I always feel that no one will take it seriously, that my problem is not worth other's time. It is hurting me a lot because I know that by telling about it, i can reduce at least 50% of the pain.

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    1. Nikky, I feel for you. I am a lot like you. I believe that my problems or concerns aren't as important as others' concerns, so I am better off staying quiet. But you're right--being open would ease the pain.

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  7. I think I am only just starting to express my feelings beyond the people in my safety net. I have pretty much always been able to express myself to my husband and kids. My doctor told me that is remarkable, usually under the circumstances of which I was brought up, usually you safe guard yourself completely because it is such a learned experience. Beyond my circle/safety net, it's very hard for me. I'm learning and taking baby steps. The fact of the matter is that I care so much about other people's feelings and certainly would take them into consideration in a situation where someone came to me with a problem.So if someone really does not care at all how I feel, then they are the one's with the issues.
    Everyone's feelings are valid. Sometimes we can even agree to disagree..a real sign of maturity, don't you think?
    On a different subject, I remember you writing something about your hip hurting during your walking/running? I started taking a fish oil supplement and it has helped my joints so much. I originally took it for heart health but then noticed I had hardly any arthritic pain..didn't take it with me to Guam and all the pain came back and then when I started the fish oil again it got better. I spoke with my MD and she said she had heard this from several patients. Maybe it is something you would like to try so I thought I'd mention it.

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    1. Krystal, I agree-everyone's feelings are valid. And agreeing to disagree is a sign of emotional maturity, I think. It becomes frustrating for me when there's really no closure to the situation--the issue comes up again and again. I am going to have to just learn to live with it and adapt, I think Maybe that will keep me from getting upset.

      Thanks for the fish oil tip. My hip does hurt if I sit too long or don't have my muscles warmed up enough before I start exercising. I have been doing a lot of stretching and yoga positions, and it's helping. I wonder if it's the omega-3s in the fish oil? I take flax seed oil for the omega-3s, but I take it rather haphazardly. I'll check into it. Thanks!

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  8. I think it's also society that teaches us that we always must be able to stand up for ourselves. It's like you already are a loser when you just don't have the words to respond in certain situations. I'm reading a book called "The highly sensitive person" and it's a big relief to find there are many more people like me. And that it's not a "wrong" thing to be this way. I cannot find myself in absolutely everything in the book, but it helps a lot to know I'm not alone in this.

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    1. Klaaske, I had not thought about that, but I agree that there's a message from society that it's best to stand up for yourself a certain way. And then, as you say, we already feel like a loser when we can't express ourselves right away. That sounds like an interesting book--I will have to check it out. Thank you!

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  9. It's so hard to express feelings... especially "negative" ones like you are trying to do with that co-worker. I have a really hard time with this.

    I think you are doing some powerful therapy!

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    1. Elizabeth, The negative feelings are the ones that get me. By the time I do express myself verbally, often I'm angry and don't express myself in the way I'd like to.

      It is powerful--I'm usually really tired after a session.

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  10. Tina, the book I'm talking about is written by Elaine N. Aron.
    I'm thoroughly enjoying it, a very different approach to life and you might just like it too, along with other people here. It teaches you that there is strength in being sensitive as well, for what would the world be like without sensitive people?

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    1. Klaaske, Thanks so much for the recommendation! I checked, and it's available as a Nook book, so I will be downloading it tonight.

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  11. I resonate with this. Any strong feeling used to set off my OCD, because I was afraid it would never go away, and I'd be stuck and with and haunted by the feeling, whether anger or sadness. To let the feelings be there, and not go into my rituals of analysis was a big step for me. I grew up with the message that my feelings were irrelevant, and the idea that they are actually useful information was very unfamiliar.

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    1. I think that is probably part of my problem with expressing my feelings--I have to face them myself if I'm expressing them, and sometimes it's hard to face anger, sadness, fear, etc. That is a very good and helpful point you make that our feelings can give us useful information. That idea was foreign to me growing up also.

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