I’ve written in this space before about my prayer life: how obsessive-compulsive disorder has led me to try to build an imaginary shield of protection around my loved ones and how I have struggled for years to get constant prayers and chants for forgiveness and help out of my head.
If I’m not very mindful and careful, my prayers morph into repetitions of words said until I feel “right.”
Whether they are prayers for others or prayers for myself, prayers said aloud, prayers said silently, prayers written down—they can all end up being a mess of words.
I pray, but I’m not communicating with God. I’m communicating with myself.
For all the pain I’ve had over religion and prayer, I still want to nurture the spiritual in my life. I want to be part of an organized religion. So I am making some choices.
Meditation is working better than prayer for me, and I will continue to practice.
And I’m making other choices.
Jonathan Grayson, Ph.D.
In his book Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty, Jonathan Grayson, Ph.D. wrote something that made me consider the whole way I approach prayer and faith: “Many of you have focused so much on following rules that you have forgotten to think about the nature of your faith.” (p. 222).
Grayson said people with religious obsessions believe in two Gods, “a loving and forgiving God who cares about their souls and well-being” and “a stern and exacting God who will damn them for the slightest misstep” (p. 222).
We have the choice of which God to believe in, Grayson said. Religion is full of guesswork, and people decide what to believe as a matter of blind faith: “Most people like to think of faith as a feeling that gives strength, but it can also simply be a decision you choose to follow” (p. 224).
My minister
That reminded me of something a former minister told me when several years ago I discussed with him my lack of faith and my trouble with praying. He told me not to focus on how I felt but on what I believed and to do things that could help me be closer to God, like having regular devotions.
There it is again
So I’m back to the same thing I’ve faced before with OCD and depression: I place too much importance on feelings and not enough on action.
My choices
I still have many reservations about prayer. But in addition to meditating, I am choosing to pray, not as I have in the past, not in the OCD way, but in a way that I am able to. I am choosing to pray to the God whom I choose to believe in: a loving and forgiving God.
I will never know in this life whether or not I am doing it “right.” I cannot be certain that I’m praying in the way I’m supposed to, if there is such a way. But I will take action to try prayer to better my life.
For the time being, that will probably be saying prayers that have already been written, like the St. Francis of Assisi prayer.
How do you nurture your spirituality? What choices have you made about spiritual practices? Are there any prayers that you particularly like?
My parents did not believe in any God, so as a child I never had any problems. But when I was 26 I had a religious experience myself and became a believer. The problem I had was that I somehow could only reach God via the minister I had at that time. He always somehow seemed to be "in front" of God and that seemed like a terrible sin to me. I battled with this for a number of years before a psychologist helped me with it.
ReplyDeleteNow, on the moment, my spiritual life is unfortunately quite a mess since I suffered a psychotic episode last year in which I heard and saw things and everything was kind of thrown upside down. I hope that I will find the peace back that I had before this happened, but I am working on it and am pretty hopeful.
Klaaske, I hope you find the peace you had again, too. I will be hopeful for you.
DeleteYour minister gave very wise counsel to focus on your beliefs, rather than your feelings. That is something that we are taught in our faith tradition as well, and it's said to everyone, not just those of us who have anxiety. So often I don't feel like God loves me, or I don't feel like I love God or I don't feel this or that, etc. After reading the Bible, I do however, believe God loves me. I also believe that whether I feel like I love Him or not, I choose to follow Him every day of my life and I choose to do lots of things for Him, so I guess my actions qualify as love for Him.
ReplyDeleteAs far as spiritual practices, I attend church services weekly because I believe it is important to be surrounded by fellow believers in corporate worship. I attend a bi-weekly Bible study, again for the same reason, plus we help each other to be accountable to live our lives for Christ. I also try to read a devotional every day that includes Bible reading (that helps me to know God better). I also pray throughout the day all the time. My prayers are pretty much just like normal conversations. I talk to God, I ask Him to help me live my life better for Him, or if I'm struggling with something I ask for help. I also ask Him to help others around me, etc. I also am involved in several ministries with the specific intent of serving God and others. There is nothing like serving others to get your mind off of yourself. I have found it extremely therapeutic.
You know, when it comes to prayer, God knows your heart. He knows you are trying and He certainly knows how much you've suffered trying to get it "right." I don't believe there is a specific "right" way to pray. I think He just wants you to talk to Him because He loves you so very much!
Sunny, thank you for being so open about your spiritual practices and for your kind words. I don't believe there's one right way to pray, but old habits die hard!
DeleteI hope you find the spirituality you are seeking. It's a tricky journey, to be sure.
ReplyDeleteLisa, Tricky for sure. I'm looking for what works for me and doesn't ramp up the OCD. And I also want to show respect for others' beliefs.
DeleteThis post brought tears to my eyes. This is one of my current struggles... figuring out how to pray with out it just becoming and OCD ritualized conversation with myself until I feel "right." I can spend hours doing that and only within the last year or so found out that is not actually praying.
ReplyDeleteI have a very "eye for an eye" view of God but I don't want to! My mind tells me He is loving and forgiving but my OCD has this block up that tells me I am going to get punished for the slightest transgression.
This morning I pulled out my Streams in The Dessert daily devotional to help me refocus and not be so scared about praying. I think you have a good idea to just say already written prayers like St. Francis' prayer rather than try to come up with something on my own at this point.
The view of God as "an eye for an eye" type is what I have spent a lifetime with. I am choosing to believe differently now, but it's not easy. I think the written prayers are what I've got to do now. Good luck with your efforts! :-)
DeleteListening to the quiet is usually the most sincere form of prayer.
ReplyDeleteAh, I like that, Rebecca!
DeleteI've been struggling with this, too, not just prayer, but in my whole spiritual life. I hear religious teaching and can instantly turn it into rules. Once it is in rules, I feel already doomed to fail; I'm positive that I can't follow the rules well enough. Even the simple direction to do devotions to "draw near to God" will throw me for a loop; I'm not going to do the devotions well enough; I'm not going to pay enough attention, I'm not going to take it seriously enough, etc. If the distance between me and God is dependent on my devotional life, I'm a failure... etc. I've tried to ignore the rules. It sounds bad and is scarey for me, but I know that my personal tendency is to go overboard with rules. Even intentionally ignoring them, I don't think I'm at great risk of falling off the deep end doing terrible things. And I have this theory in my head that the kind of obedience that God wants will just happen as I learn more of his love, but if I try to do it following rules, then even if I do "right", my heart wont be right. So I guess that's a bunch of vague theories. I'm trying to find a church where the sermons don't translate into rules as quickly, at least for the time being. I still pray, and sometimes it's OCD, but when I catch myself repeating things, I usually try to stop (or decide to give in to OCD for the moment).
ReplyDeleteI guess in religion, same as in every other area touched by OCD, we all have to "take the risk" of doing whatever we choose. Remembering that my feelings don't define my faith helps me, too.
Abigail, such words of wisdom that you shared! Thank you. I like how you have decided to steer clear of rules because they just are not healthy for you. And I like your idea that you wikll learn more about obedience as you learn more about his love. I am going to think about that for myself. Thank you so much for sharing! :-)
DeleteOh, I love the prayer of St Francis! So lovely. I am glad you focus on love and forgiveness instead of rules, It can be such a trap with OCD! But like all other patterns, you have to let go of the guilt and the shoulds. Best of luck for freedom!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jodi! Letting go of the guilt and shoulds is hard, I have found, especially because they are ingrained so deeply within. But I am working on it.
DeleteThe prayer of St. Francis is probably my favorite prayer.
Hi, Tina! ~
ReplyDeleteThank you for stopping by my site, I'm so happy to meet you!
I also struggle with OCD -- not the kind that makes me clean my house, unfortunately (haha!)
Have you ever tried walking a labyrinth? It works great for me when I'm feeling too antsy to meditate.
Also, have you ever seen the movie 'Dirty, Filthy Love'? It's the smartest, sweetest OCD movie I've ever seen! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0411291/
Linda, I have heard of the benefits of walking a labyrinth, but I've never tried. I am fascinated by mandalas and sometimes find solace in making them.
DeleteI haven't heard of that movie, but it sounds like something that I'd like. Thank you!
Tina -- In case you are interested in giving the labyrinth a try I'm forwarding this link to a previous post which contains a link to the world wide labyrinth finder -- Enjoy!
Deletehttp://www.dangerouslinda.com/?p=414
Thanks, Linda, I'll check it out! :-)
DeleteI hear you. Though we long for spirtual advice sometimes it is just hard to believe in something when we feel so crummy. However I was told even if your doubts persist force yourself into some kind of prayer or mantra-'Dare to believe, thy will be done!
ReplyDeleteVinnie
thecoparazzi.blogspot.com
Vinnie, I've heard that, too, to act like you have faith even when you don't. Action comes first sometimes. Thank you for commenting!
Deletei hesitated to comment on this last night, it is a deeply moving subject for me. My OCD does not affect me spiritually or in my relationship with God. But I have been struggling. We had a tragic event strike our family 7 months ago and my faith is intact but I am still angry with God. My pastor said, it is ok..God can take it and God can understand why I am angry, even my Pastor is angry that such violence and pain exists in the world. My Pastor has offered to counsel me, but I am stubborn and want to figure this out on my own. I know that is dumb. I grew up being taught we had a guardian angel, God protected us, and now I have come to realize God is with us and supports us but that doesn't mean horrible things can't happen to us and our loved ones. I am figuring it all out.
ReplyDeleteI said the Prayer of St Francis at my fathers funeral, it is such a beautiful prayer. And the Lord's Prayer of course, both are lyrically perfection ..my childhood prayer was "Now I lay me down to sleep.." and sometimes I still say that one. When I walk and see all the beautiful wild flowers I think of how beautifully God created the earth and am in awe. My husband and I attend church but I hope God see's my recognition and thanks for nature and my family as a form of worship and praise too.
Krystal, I am so sorry that you are going through a difficult time. I have been angry at God, too, and I think he can take it. I have come to believe that bad things and good things happen to everyone, and God helps us get through whatever we face. So that is what I pray for--the strength to get through.
DeleteI say the Lord's Prayer, too. I love reciting it in church with the rest of the congregation. And I grew up with the "Now I lay me down to sleep" also.
I think the gratitude that we feel for God's creation is a form of praise.
Tina, this is such a lovely, honest post. It brought up lots of difficult feelings for me. My OCD does center around spiritual, philosophical questions. My relationship with God has always been so important to me, at the center of who I am, and over the last 4 years I feel that I have lost/am losing that. To all the above comments, especially Krystal Lynn, I am in that place of being angry at God, too - feeling that He has just left me to deal with this on my own. Rationally I can look and see that is not true, but oh, the OCD does horrible things with my doubts. It is very hard to separate out where OCD begins and my personal spiritual struggle ends.
ReplyDeleteI know that it is so important to not let feelings be the guide - SO hard. Thank you so much for this post.