It worked out this week that I saw both my psychiatrist and my psychologist, and I had helpful sessions with both. But I still feel like I'm trying to break through fog.
I discussed my increased anxiety with the psychiatrist Wednesday, and he was concerned because of the sense of dread I was experiencing and because I had reached the point of starting to fear driving, like I did a few years ago when I was in the midst of the worst anxiety I’ve ever had.
So he decided to take me off of one of the medications, Wellbutrin. It could be having unintended consequences, especially in combination with another medication.
It’s a balancing act to not tinker with the medication enough to allow the depression to get worse, and yet help the anxiety. It’s trial and error sometimes, and that’s not always easy to deal with, especially for an impatient person like me. I just have to wait and see.
At least it won’t be long. He said I should notice a difference by this weekend if it was going to have an effect. Here’s hoping it will help.
On an added note about the anxiety, I’ve been listening to a mindfulness CD by Jon Kabat-Zinn, and it has helped me to be able to fall asleep fairly quickly each night. I’ll write more about the CD and what I’m learning in a future post.
My psychologist and I, as usual, did a situational analysis yesterday, and this led to a discussion about anger, fear and anxiety.
I don’t express anger very well. A lot of the time, I don’t express it at all.
In the particular situation we discussed, I was feeling anger but interpreted my feelings as fear. I never expressed my anger in words.
My therapist said the bodily reaction to anger and anxiety is the same. What I’m not always recognizing is that I’m feeling anger. I recognize it as fear. I then fail to verbally express my anger in healthy ways.
I also tend to think of anger as something bad, something I should feel guilty for feeling.
Something that my therapist told me that was helpful was to think of the motivation for anger and the method of anger.
A motivation for anger might be the fact that you care about someone. A method for showing that anger might be yelling. No one likes to be yelled at. That’s not an appropriate way to express anger.
But the fact that you yelled doesn’t negate your motivation for the anger. You can apologize for yelling, but you don’t have to feel guilty for being angry.
I certainly don’t want to hold on to anger. I just want to stop feeling like I’m a bad person because I sometimes get angry.
It’s all in the balance.
So that was my week in therapy. To say that I’m frustrated at having to work on these issues at my age is an understatement. I know such issues have no age limit. But I’d have thought I was past them.
I’ll just keep plugging along, going forward.
Do you ever get frustrated at your progress to become a better person, improve in a skill, or make a positive change? How do you handle it?