Thanksgiving cooking ended up differently than I thought it would, and I had more exposures for my OCD than I had planned for.
We had plans to eat with one of Larry’s relatives. So I was going to do some light cooking, just a cake and maybe a side dish or two.
Then on Tuesday, Larry’s relative had to cancel the dinner because of illness.
Early Wednesday morning, before work, I was at the grocery store with my list, picking out items to fix the dishes I had chosen to cook for Larry and me on Thanksgiving.
Later that day, Larry got a turkey breast to fix with some dressing, and I got a vegan fake turkey product to try.
I admit I was not looking forward to getting in the kitchen to do a lot of cooking. OCD was making me dread the stove and the cleanup.
Wednesday night I made a cake and a congealed salad with cranberry sauce.
This round of cake baking was a little easier than my last adventure. I put the eggshells on a plastic bag so I could scoop them up easily and not contaminate the counters (though I did clean them good afterwards).
And I did OK with turning the oven off. I stared at the knob on the stove for a minute or so, but I didn’t turn the stove on and off.
My anxiety level during the cake making process was at about a 60, lower than last time.
I can’t say the same for when I used the stovetop. Once I turned off the stove, I turned it back on and then off twice. I hated giving in. My anxiety was at a 75 or 80 during that episode.
I also had some anxiety about using the can opener for the cranberry sauce. I always meticulously clean the opener after I use it, and I worry about getting off any food residue, even if I don’t see any. But I got it done.
On Thursday morning, Larry woke up with vertigo and didn’t feel like cooking the turkey breast. So we put that off until today.
On Thursday I cooked a hearty vegetable casserole and fixed some mashed potatoes. I found myself having an anxious moment when I turned off the oven, turning it on and off once after initially turning it off.
I’m not sure why I had this problem Wednesday and Thursday with the stovetop and then the oven. It may be that I was just generally anxious about the extra cooking I was doing.
A good point was that I didn’t ask Larry to check the stove behind me. I wanted to, and even started to at one point. But I knew it would not be good for my exposure and response prevention attempts.
All in all, my cooking anxiety Thursday probably averaged a 70. Once the food was eaten and the cleanup finished, it dropped rapidly.
We had no meat Thursday, but we still enjoyed our food and were grateful for it.
Thursday afternoon? I took a nap. I probably slept more than I ordinarily would have because of the anxiety.
And today, Larry is fixing the turkey breast and I will probably cook a corn pudding.
I realize that a lot of people cook everyday and have little to no anxiety doing it. But that’s just not me at this point.
But despite my ongoing battle with the question, “Is the stove really off?” it’s getting a little easier.
That anxiety is not fun. Maybe Friday can be a more relaxing Thanksgiving for you. Keep at it, Tina...I know it's tough.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, Kristina. It is tough, but worth the fight.
DeleteGood for you Tina, for pushing through and cooking even though it was very difficult.
ReplyDeleteYes, my anxiety can get worse when plans change. Though, I'm better about it now than I used to be. I think it depends on the particular situation.
Thank you, Sunny. It was anxiety-producing, but definitely easier than when I cooked the cake a couple of weeks ago.
DeleteI am fine with a change in plans unless it is caused by someone being thoughtless. If the excuses are flimsy. I much prefer honesty. And in certain instances it makes me angry.
ReplyDeleteBasically, I just like to know what the plans are. I don't like wishy-washy deciding. I have a problem when people cant come to a agreement in making plans. So even though it sounds like I do have a problem with change I may not have explained it well.
Middle Child, I don't like wishy-washy plans either, those that seem to change with the wind. Thank goodness that wasn't the case in this situation.
DeleteThat seems like an improvement in your cooking anxiety, which is excellent! I realize it's still very difficult, but it seems promising if it isn't as difficult :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lisa, I find it promising. I just want to get to the place where I can put a meal on the table without freaking out with anxiety.
DeleteYou did really well, Tina!
ReplyDeleteFOr me, I have to stare at and touch the knobs several times after I initially turn them off and then before bed I have to stare and and touch them and touch the burners several times.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I used to do more of the checking of the stove afterwards, too.
DeleteFor me, sometimes a sudden change in plans is easier than knowing in advance that you're going to be in a difficult situation and then spending time worrying about it. Even though you had anxiety, you got through it, and you did say your cake baking was easier this time than last. Maybe bake another cake today :) ? I'm impressed. From an outsider looking in, I think you're definitely moving forward and think you should give yourself some credit!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Janet. But please, not another cake today! :-)
DeleteActually, I will probably make a corn pudding later today, and that has eggs in it, so I will have some more exposures with that.
It sounds like you did really well! Sudden changes can cause a lot of disruption. Sometimes I handle them well, other times, not so much. It depends on how tired I am and how much anxiety has already built up in my system.
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about this post is that you're sounding more reflective about the moments when old behaviors happen, and less tough on yourself. It seems as though you're seeing all of it, even the moments that fall short, as part of the journey. Congrats!
Nadine, thank you for seeing that. I do feel more like it's all part of the process, all useful in some way.
DeleteRolling with the punches doesn't come naturally, but I'm working on it. Disruptions do more to knock me off the abstinence wagon when I've been doing well with my eating than anything else. It's a challenge! Particularly because life is so unpredictable.
ReplyDeleteJean, you're right--life is so unpredictable. I'm working on getting better at rolling with the punches too.
DeleteFor me, I can roll with "sudden changes" if they have nothing to do with an aspect of my OCD. I can deal with big stuff with relative ease; like career changes, moving cross country and things that cause stress in normal people. But if somebody just drops by the house for a visit, I completely panic and it throws me for a loop. It is almost like I have to mentally "prepare" for that sort of thing or the anxiety is almost unbearable.
ReplyDeleteI think you are making incredible progress Tina, and don't get discouraged when you tackle a fear or do an ERP if some OCD stuff sneaks in. I know what that feels like because sometimes I measure my success when I only do an ERP "perfectly" and I have learned a lot of progress can be made without perfection. I do that "staring" thing too; to make sure doors are closed, pictures are straight, stove knobs are in off position, etc..and I used to just get so down on myself when I would do it and forget what a miracle it was that I was in the kitchen cooking in the first place. I hope you and Larry had a lovely Thanksgiving.
Thank you, Krystal Lynn, for your encouragement. Yes, I have tended to think an ERP wasn't "good enough" if it wasn't "perfect," but when I look at the bigger picture, I can be thankful that I'm making progress.
DeleteChange in plans are not always the easiest for me to deal with, but I am happy to say the anxiety has become less over the years. I am glad you got through it and managed to prepare meals that sound yummy.
ReplyDeleteMadison:)
Thank you, Madison. I hope my anxiety lessens with time, too. It's already better than it used to be.
DeleteYES yes yes you did it!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful day to 'push' through -for Thanksgiving meal!!!
So proud of you:)
God Bless, Deanna
Thank you, Deanna, you're so supportive. Blessings to you, too.
DeleteSounds like some victories over OCD! Hurray!
ReplyDeleteI don't cook much, either. Part is anxiety, but in the end, it just seems like too big a job, so I open another precooked meal. Maybe this is another of those areas where we have to "choose our battles." I'm working on doing the dishes right now, not cooking. Maybe I'll cook later. :)
Abigail, thank you. I definitely believe in choosing our battles. It's nice to be able to cook, and I want to become more comfortable with it, but I don't think I'll ever be an expert, and that's OK. It's not my goal to become one.
DeleteI've always had an issue with plans suddenly changing on me. I am not good with impetuous decisions either. I need time to sort it all out. However, usually if it's a cancellation and I can stay home, I'm relieved!
ReplyDeleteExcellent job on your Thanksgiving preparations. I am constantly amazed how you push right through your anxieties. It must feel so rewarding to you.
Have a great week!
Thank you, Grace. I like time to sort out my decisions, too. And it was nice to stay home over Thanksgiving.
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