Friday, January 11, 2013

Depression and lingering stigma

I’m in another period of deepening depression. There’s nothing pretty or poetic to say about it. It is just there.
It wasn’t totally unexpected when the lows came back around. I made a change in medication last month. My psychiatrist took me off of one of the prescriptions I was on because he thought it was causing the intense restlessness that was plaguing me, and he told me that another change might be necessary.
But I wanted to wait a little while and see how I did on just the one medication I’m still taking. I wanted to see if just the one would suffice.
I am grateful that the restlessness abated. My whole level of anxiety, including the anxiety of OCD, has been better lately.
However, the rough energy of the restlessness has been replaced by now-familiar depression.
I’ve had a difficult time getting through my daily duties, and, worst of all, I’ve had the unrelenting hopelessness that marks depression for me.
I wake up and have no enthusiasm or desire to face the day. I cry in the shower as I get ready for work, cry on the way to work, and spend my workdays wanting to scream.
This return of depression, like always, has me thinking about its causes.
Is it related to current situations in my life? Is it chemical? Is it related to the change in medication? Is it related to the season? Is it a combination of all of the above?
I’ve analyzed it, thought and thought about it, obsessed over it in ways that I suspect are related to OCD.
But no matter what is causing it, the big question for me really has been, when should I call the doctor? When is it bad enough to call the doctor?

Because no matter how many times I’ve gone through these bouts of depression, I still doubt myself. I still tell myself that I should be able to deal with this depression on my own, without a doctor’s help. After all, I’m already on an antidepressant. After all, I should be able to rise above it, snap out of it.
Yes, I sometimes buy into the stigma about depression.

I surprised myself when I realized what I was doing. How could I still cling to the myths about depression? How could I still give credence to the beliefs that those of us with mental illnesses should just be quiet about it, get over it, have a positive attitude, be happy already?
How could I fail to see right away that I needed help?
The stigma surrounding mental illness can be subtle, and it can affect how even those of us with mental illnesses treat ourselves.

If you had the same symptoms, I would have advised you to get professional help. I would have assured you that help is available. That treatment can help. That there’s no shame in asking for help.

I told myself a different story.
That story broke into pieces when I finally found the answer to that question of when is it bad enough. I reached my limit. I knew—yes, indeed, I need to see my doctor.
I originally had an appointment to see him again at the end of December, but I rescheduled the appointment for later in January because of work.
On Tuesday I called my doctor’s office to see if he had any openings this week. I was told that he was out of the office until next Tuesday.
So I must wait.
And I’ll be OK to wait. I’ll do what I can to manage this depression. But I won’t deny any longer that I need a professional’s help.

Have you ever found yourself believing the myths about mental illnesses? Have you ever denied to yourself that you needed help from others?

32 comments:

  1. Oh, Tina, I'm so incredibly sorry for your suffering right now. Sigh. Yes, I'm quite familiar with it too. And it IS so frustrating. I tend to expect so much out of myself sometimes too. And yes, I find myself believing those myths as well. I'm glad you recognized that you need help now, rather than later. And I'm glad you acted upon that recognition - you are definitely worth it. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you, Sunny. I guess sometimes we tend to expect more from ourselves than we should. I expected that I should be able to handle how I was feeling on my own, thinking it really wasn't that bad.

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  2. Time, I'm glad you made the call! I think when you start asking yourself, "Should I call?" it's time to call. Good luck!

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    1. Erin, thank you. That's a good point--if you're thinking about whether or not to ask for help, it's probably time to ask for help.

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  3. You are so right-- you would have told any one of us to call the doctor and get some help. I'm so glad that you were able to recognize this and make the call! I am so sorry for the way you're hurting right now, Tina. That feeling of hopelessness ... I can relate so strongly, and it hurts my heart to know that's what you're experiencing right now.

    I highly suspect that this is connected to the change in medication. I am hoping that your doctor will be able to suggest a good change. I REALLY don't want you laboring under this depression.

    Hang in there. You are loved. I believe your doctor will have a solution, and you'll be able to shed this hopelessness like a sheath soon.

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    1. Jackie, thank you for your understanding comment. I believe I will get help from my doctor and hope to, as you beautifully put it, "shed this hopelessness like a sheath soon."

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  4. Tina, so sorry that you're going through this. I think it's great, though, that you're starting to give yourself the same advice you would give to one of your friends. I don't know why it's so tough to ask for help, but I can relate to that.

    So glad you made the call. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you, Nadine. I don't know either why it's so tough to ask for help, especially with something like this. I guess I wasn't listening close enough to myself.

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  5. Tina, how horrible you are suffering again. I'm sure though even going to your doctor will help, because you acknowledge that you have a problem. That's half the trouble solved.
    I hope he will have a solution.
    I'm very happy you write about this right now as I have been going into a deeper depression too, have been wondering why as well and have been blaming myself just as you did. So this post is a wake up call for me!

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    1. Thank you, Klaaske. I'm so sorry that you're going through a deeper depression also. It's so easy to blame ourselves, but it doesn't do anyone any good. Let's not blame ourselves anymore. I hope you get some relief soon.

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  6. It's so true that when we are in the "midst" of suffering, whether it's OCD, depression, or whatever, we often downplay it, feel we should snap out of it, etc......all the things we tell others not to do. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, Tina, but so glad you are taking the right steps to get help. Better days are ahead....you are in my thoughts. Thanks for sharing. Even when you are suffering, you are helping others.

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    1. Thank you, Janet, for your encouraging comment. I'm grateful for the help I've received in the past, and I do believe that better days are ahead.

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  7. I am really sad to read you are going through this Tina. Gosh, I just read your last post on how you were able to read again and I thought things were on an upward swing for you, so I was sad to hear you are struggling. But I have to say that it is a really good sign that you are healthy enough to know you have to ask for help and get in to the doctor. Yea, I do succumb to those myths sometimes..I am a really independent and strong person so it just kills me that I cannot overcome on my own. But I would never expect that of someone else.
    And when I read the occasional story of someone who has completely recovered from OCD and or depression, it makes me wonder what I lack to be able to do that. I have had to really come to terms that this may be a life long struggle and suffering for me and to be thankful and feel blessed when I do have a reprieve or a day of joy despite. It always does get better Tina, that is for sure so keep the hope.

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    1. Thank you for your encouragement, Krystal Lynn. I am going through a better period with the OCD, so I'm grateful for that. I think mine is a lifelong struggle, too, like so many others. But I do have hope for better days.

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  8. Poor Tina. I am so so sorry.

    I'm glad you called the doc. I would have told you to if you hadn't. It's like with any illness. You can manage it as best as you can for a while and then it flares. I try to remember this when I believe the stigma and mental health myths out there. I try to remember that if this were allergies and I was doing okay and then suddenly I was getting allergy attacks and then I felt it turning into a sinus infection, I'd call my doc. I try to remember mental health works like this too. We can be going along and then we flare and we need help.

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    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. You're right--if it was allergies or asthmas, it wouldn't be a big decision about when to call the doctor. I need to remember that.

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  9. Tina, I am sorry you are going through this, but I am also proud of you for sharing about. Tina I have also been in a state of depression for the past week. Mostly because of circumstances that I am facing, but be it reasons or not, my depressions are raw and deep and like you I break out crying in many places. Bravo to you for calling your doctor, it crossed my mind this morning to do the same, when I was paralyzed by fear and the depression. I didn't call but after reading your post I will be making an appointment to see my therapist, thank you. Tina, I love the way you work hard at taking care of yourself and being a better you. I think you are amazing and strong. As we know you will get through this one too! Gosh, hard to write on smart phone so excuse the errors. Your honesty is helping me, you and many!

    Madison

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    1. Thank you, Madison, for your kind comment. I'm so sorry that you are in a state of depression also, and I hope that you get relief soon.

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  10. I'm sorry to hear about the depression. I think this time of year is the hardest for folks prone to depression. The short days, the gray weather, it all takes a toll. I hope you feel better soon.

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    1. Lisa, thank you. I think the season is having at least some effect, though I like cold weather.

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  11. I'm very sorry you are going through a bad episode of depression. I understand completely, just coming out of one myself that lasted five or six months. It is amazing how depression says the same things every time, and we still manage to believe it! Hope you get some relief very soon!
    Adventures in Anxiety Land

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    1. Thank you. I'm glad that you have come out of your episode of depression and hope that it stays away.

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  12. Tina I think the title of this post is so true! The lingering stigma! How is it that we who suffer this illness can (at times) add to the burden by putting on the bullying of the stigma to ourselves??? **I DO THIS TO OFTEN**

    I am super glad that you will seek your doctor's help and I know that next Tuesday can't get here soon enough!
    Take heart dear friend, and if you find that you need an added antidepressant just remember that there are many of us who take 2 medicines. I even take 3 every day.
    The hardest part has to be the trial of the medicines- which one will work best to each individual's make up.

    Thanks for sharing this post. I relate in so many ways. Take care Tina:)

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    1. Thank you, Deanna. You paint a good picture of the stigma about mental illness--it's a bully. My doctor will probably make a change in my medication. I don't look forward to the trial and error, but it's part of the process.

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  13. Poor kid. Got you in prayer. Be good to yourself. I often think of my bouts of depression as being like the flu; you do all you can, but sometimes there's nothing TO do except wait it out. I think you were very wise to consult your physician, though, just as you would for a bad flu. It's so hard sometimes when we've been told all our lives to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps (by people we love and trust and want to please, no less to accept it really isn't our fault.

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    1. Jean, thank you for your comment. That's a good analogy--I'd go to the doctor if I had a bad case of the flu.

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  14. This was my introduction to your blog- whoa!- so straightforward and frank.... I will read this blog more.

    I live with schizophrenia and postpartum depression. My bouts with depression were overwhelming, I do not have a lot of experience depression, but I can relate.

    In the past, I doubted myself and gave into stigma, I questioned whether I would be able to have a meaningful relationship again and to ever have children... I have overcome a lot of self-stigma and many other obstacles such as discrimination in housing and seen as inferior by administers in college because my income is disability benefits... But I am surviving! Now I am a mother of a one year old, have a loving partner of three years, and I plan to work a regular part-time job- I have come a long way.

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    1. Ashley, thank you for your comment. It sounds like you have overcome a lot! That is wonderful that good things are in your life now, despite the trials you've gone through.

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  15. Years ago I was really struggling. I went to my doctor and after asking me some questions, she asked me if I thought I was depressed. Oh no, I exclaimed, sure I wasn't. Well, guess what, I definitely was. The medication was a real life saver, maybe even literally. I've been fortunate since then, but I remember how hopeless I felt and how hard it was to function. Getting help was the best thing I did. Good luck to you and I hope you get the help you need to feel better.

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    1. Thank you, Galen, for sharing your story and for your kind words.

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  16. I still struggle with stigma against myself and by myself. And most times when I get worse, I think it tends to come up again. Somehow, even though part of me expects it to get worse again, when I've done significantly better and then get worse, it surprises me. And I doubt it. Am I really depressed, or do I just think I am? Am I making it all up? For me, though, I'd do this with a sinus infection or a flue. Fevers at least can be measured, but most of the rest of it? And I do ask myself, is it bad enough to call, whether a regular doctor or a psychiatrist. I'm sure not having insurance plays into my story, though. To see the doctor for an ear infection, I can expect to pay at least sixty-some dollars, and more depending on the length/depth of the appointment and if/what medication is prescribed. And though I will spend that if I decide I need to, it really isn't in my financial plans!

    I'm glad you called your doctor.

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    1. Thank you, Abigail. When I've been doing well and the depression returns, I tend to be surprised, too. I was a less surprised this time around because of the change in medication I had back in December. But it still took me a while to decide if it was really that bad.

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