Despondent. I admit that’s how I felt on Monday afternoon. I felt despondent.
I went to see my orthopedic doctor for a recheck of my broken foot. After looking at the new X-rays, he told me he saw “the beginnings of healing,” but I would have to stay on the crutches for at least three more weeks.
After the three weeks, he will check it again. If it’s still moving in a positive direction, if it’s no longer hurting when I put weight on it, and if the tenderness is gone, I’ll be able to just wear the orthopedic boot and walk on that, with no crutches.
If it doesn’t heal in three months, then he will do surgery on it.
He reminded me that a Jones fracture takes a long time to heal because it’s located in a part of the foot that doesn’t have a good blood supply, and tendons run over the fractured area.
And he cautioned me to stay on the crutches and not put weight on my foot except in the shower, where I could put weight on the heel.
OK, not horrible news. The bone is healing. I don’t need surgery now. I don’t have to do anything different at this point except be more vigilant about staying on the crutches.
So why the despondency? The doctor’s visit didn’t meet my expectations, and I came face to face with my nemesis, uncertainty.
I expected to be told Monday that the bone was almost healed. I had no proof that it was, but it didn’t hurt nearly as much as it did before, and I reasoned that it must be well on the way to complete union.
What I got was a reminder that this is going to be a long process. I’m going to have to be patient with it.
And I also expected to be told Monday whether or not I would need surgery. This was a misunderstanding on my part. Even the doctor is uncertain about the need for surgery.
But it still bothered me that I won’t know for a number of weeks whether or not, after all the travels on crutches and all the hours in the boot, I still might need surgery.
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know I don’t naturally do well with uncertainty.
Uncertainty feeds my OCD and generalized anxiety. Uncertainty leaves me open to unlimited anxiety about what the future brings.
So I felt despondent. But I soon pulled myself together. Larry reminded me that the foot is healing. And I remembered that times like this are good practice for living with uncertainty.
I’ve decided to make friends with The Monster Boot. It’s a support system. It allows me to move around even with a tender, broken bone.
As for the crutches, I have a new attitude there, too. Larry told our cats that my crutches were “Mama’s extra paws.” I like that: extra paws.
The Monster Boot and I will be getting around on the extra paws.
Do your expectations about the way things should be ever result in disappointment? How do you handle the disappointment?
Hi Tina, I think you are not alone as far as not doing well with handling uncertainty. I think many of us share this feeling with you. As for myself, I try not to have any expectation. I find that this way you don't feel as disappointed. Handling disappointment isn't an easy one, but keeping in mind that we all have feelings of disappointment from time to time. I try to hope and pray for the best but expect the possibility that it may not go as I anticipate or wish. Take the time to enjoy yourself as best you can. Not sure if this helps or not, but I hope it does. I love the "extra paws", good one. :)
ReplyDeleteIt does help, Linda. Thank you. I agree that we all have to handle uncertainty and dashed expectations at some point. Our attitude about it makes a big difference.
DeleteThank you so much for your comment on my blog post. I am so sorry you are dealing with a very slow healing injury! It sounds like you are "coming to grips" with the necessity of the crutches and boot, though, as hard as that is. I know what you mean about expecting something positive and then having the wind knocked out of your sails! Take it one day at a time. There is sometimes good in things we just can't imagine would have a good side! All my best--Marie
ReplyDeleteThank you, Marie. I did feel a little like the wind was knocked out of my sails! "Take it one day at a time." Such simple words, so hard to live by, but so valuable.
DeleteI used to have a big problem with this...dealing with uncertainty. It really bothered me. But over time I have learned to try my very best to address the expectations part - which lessens the disappointment if somethign doesn't meet them.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Keith. I used to not even realize I was struggling with uncertainty. I was just anxious about the unknown. Finally, I'm at the place where I can at least recognize what I'm doing--fighting uncertainty. I'm still working on accepting uncertainty.
DeleteI like how your husband told the cats that the crutches were..."Mom's extra paws."
ReplyDeleteOh Tina.... you are doing so well in the face of all this.
I think I may have to quote you on my blog today: "I came face to face with my nemesis, uncertainty."
Thanks, Elizabeth. My kitties were looking at the crutches like they were thinking, "What in the world are those things Mama's clunking around on?"
DeleteYes, I just started thinking of uncertainty as my nemesis.
I had this exact discussion with my husband this morning concerning when things don't go as expected. He tends to look at the negative and be disappointed. I told him I do my best not to expect anything, because so much is out of our control. It's a battle, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteNancy, thank you. I tend to TRY not to have high expectations, but they hang around anyway. And then disappointment comes. You're right--there's so much out of our control.
DeleteUnmet expectations are probably at the root of a lot of depression. Expectations are terrible things for the most part. But not having any is not an easy challenge to conquer.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. Wish I had some answers.
I guess this is the best one I know: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5
Wendy, thank you for sharing the words of scripture. I agree that unmet expectations contribute to depression. It's hard to turn them off.
Deleteit's like climbing a mountain!!
ReplyDelete"expect nothing and you'll never be dissapointed"!!!
Thanks, Debbie. I do feel like I'm climbing a mountain--very slowly! :-)
DeleteI'm sorry you didn't hear better news. But, you are halfway there now! You have adjusted to using crutches, so hopefully the second 3 weeks will go much faster.
ReplyDeleteI hate uncertainty too.
Thanks, Lisa. I have adjusted to the crutches and am much better at getting around on them. Larry says I'm ready for a marathon! :-)
DeleteI love how you're able to walk yourself through everything ... and you're right, it's not BAD news! We'll keep hoping for total healing and no surgery! Meanwhile, uncertainty wins again ... time to become friends with it? :-) Proud of you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jackie, I appreciate it. Making friends with uncertainty--I know I need to, but I'm not sure how! I guess instead of resisting it, I should just rest in it.
DeleteTina, I'm so sorry you didn't get the news that you were wanting (and that we were all wanting for you!). Oh, that nasty uncertainty. I like what Jackie said about becoming friends with it. At least, I like it in theory. ;)
ReplyDeleteI am trying to be vigilant about confronting uncertainty now, and your journey with it makes me feel even more that I'm not alone. Thank you.
Thank you for your support. And no, you are not alone. I think there are a lot of us out here struggling to live with uncertainty, with not knowing.
DeleteDang. Well, Larry is right. Your bone is healing. But yes I can understand your despondency too. It sucks to have that kind of uncertainty weighing over you. Larry must have a great sense of humor, calling your crutches "paws." This is sweet.
ReplyDeleteGetting older has helped me a lot. I'm not nearly as worried about uncertainty as I used to be. Maybe it's because I've had so much practice. And this is the silver lining.
Hang in there dear friend, And may your sweet hubby and kitties give you extra love during this particularly challenging time.
Thank you for your sweet words, Grace. I find my ability to withstand uncertainty improves with age, too. It's still a battle, but I do have experiences to draw from to help me understand the need to accept the uncertainty.
DeleteLarry and my kitties are helping me a lot!
I think you are doing a great job handling everything that has come your way, Tina. I am hoping you won't need surgery, but if by chance you do, I know you will be able to handle that as well.
ReplyDeleteAs far as expectations go, I have finally learned not to have any (usually), and then I am not disappointed and often pleasantly surprised!
Thank you, Janet. I like the times when I am pleasantly surprised by the outcome of things!
DeleteYou have adapted so well to your circumstances Tina. I do understand why you were disappointed, you wanted to heal faster and it stinks but the good news is he did see healing.
ReplyDeleteI have some pretty high expectations for myself, others and life in general. Some are okay, like I don't expect people to be perfect but I do expect honesty..that is a big one for me. Other expectations of mine are probably unreasonably high but life experience has pretty much taught me to play the cards I am dealt even when the seas are rough. Then again, today while chopping vegetables I sliced my finger and every time I wash my hands the bandaid falls off and my finger bleeds again. it's only been a day and I feel this little injury has put me out big time, I need to chill. Great post Tina.
Krystal Lynn, thank you. I like the distinction you make with expectations that we have of others and ourselves that are OK--like expecting honesty from others--and those that aren't helpful.
DeleteI'm sorry about your cut finger. Those types of injuries hurt!
Sorry for the continued uncertainty. That is tough.
ReplyDeleteMy uncertainty right now (well, the big one?) is about my job, and I'm dealing with it by staying up late blogging etc. I alternatingly want to pretend nothing is wrong and I can stay at my old job and searching for a new job. I try to relax sometimes and do fun things. But no magical solutions to get rid of the instability in my life. I guess that's half the lesson for dealing with it, though, right?
Abigail, thank you. And you make such a good point. It really does help when we realize that there isn't anything magical that will make our worries and our uncertainties go away. But being able to live fully despite those uncertainties is so important. I'll be thinking about you as you deal with your uncertainties.
DeleteI think I have the advantage of age on my side and I find it easier now to know that my worrying had been a waste of time and finally figured out it all worked out in the end and I wasted time expecting something that would happen just the way it was supposed too.
ReplyDeleteYour expectations and worrying will have NO effect on the end result it just hurts you, so try to think of if in ten years you will even remember this block of time.
That being said relax enjoy the paw look at it in that different way. Things will work out. HUGS B
Thank you, Buttons. I do have plenty of examples in the past to look at and remember that worrying did me no good. That is an advantage of age! :-) You're right--expectations and worry have no effect on the end result.
DeleteI really feel for you. Shep went through something similar the other day, when he expected the doctor to tell him he was done with the blood thinning shots and learned he'd have to be on them for at least another week. Waiting for healing is such a tedious process...you miss the way things were and are impatient for them to get back to "normal," and worried that they won't. I try to deal with such things by looking backwards to see how far I've come; that helps some. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jean. I appreciate your kind words. Healing doesn't happen on our timelines, does it? I like your idea of looking back and seeing how far we've come. It's good to remember our progress. I hope Shep continues to heal!
Delete