Monday, July 8, 2013

OCD and a sense of guilt

My father, Christmas Eve 1996.

He couldn’t speak anymore, but he could mouth words enough to be understood.
“Worried,” he said.
I stood by his bedside, looking down into his face. He stared back up at me.
“What are you worried about?” I asked.
“No food in . . . “ and he held up the fingers and thumb on one hand and one finger on the other hand to signify six. “. . . weeks.”
My father had gone into the hospital in May 1997, through the emergency room. He had uncontrollable vomiting. Nothing would stay down.
Tests showed that a flap in his stomach that was supposed to close after eating was remaining open. The food wasn’t processing through his intestines. It was coming back up.
The doctors thought it was likely caused by continued damage by strokes.
Some medication had worked for a short time in helping him keep food down. But eventually, it didn’t work. To get him some nourishment, the doctors had surgically inserted a feeding tube that bypassed his stomach.
He was in a nursing home because the level of care he needed just couldn’t be given to him at home.
But now in late June, he was back in the hospital because he was dehydrated. And he was looking to me for answers.
He never took his eyes off my face.
“Yes, it has been a long time. But we’re hoping that this feeding tube is temporary,” I said. “We’re hoping that you’ll be able to eat again, and you’ll be able to go home.”
I can hear my voice now, 16 years later. Cheery. Bright. Hopeful.
And I did have hope. I wasn’t trying to pass along false hope.
Daddy nodded his head and didn’t say anything else about it.
Back at the nursing home, his health continued to deteriorate.
He died on July 9, 1997.

I struggled with that conversation in the hospital for years.
Plain old-fashioned guilt would have carried me along just fine. But my OCD made it worse.
I obsessed over my words to him. What could I have said differently? How could I have said it differently? What could I have done differently? Had I not done enough?
After almost a lifetime of OCD compulsions to try to protect my family, had I ultimately failed and let my father die?
OCD wants you to feel guilty. It wants you to question yourself about things over which you have no control, over things about which there is no certainty.
It had an easy target in me.

But I outwitted OCD. I was already on medication to help it, but I did more. I learned much more about OCD than I ever thought there was to know, and I learned ways to work with it, to work around it. I followed self-help guidelines. I got therapy that targeted OCD.

I know now that I did the best I could. I shared with Daddy the hope I had. He was a smart man. He knew what was happening to his body. He wasn’t looking for me to give him a definitive answer. He wanted to talk with me and share his concerns.
And he wouldn’t want me to feel guilty.

42 comments:

  1. You did indeed do the best you could, Tina. The fact that your father kept looking at you tells me that he loved you very much...and that he knew you loved him, too. It's wonderful that you have done so much to work with the OCD, I applaud you!

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    1. Thank you, Linda, for your kind and comforting comment. I appreciate it.

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  2. This is poignant, you have described what happens to so many of us, but most of us do not have the compounded issue of OCD, I am so glad you'd already begun your OCD management. It was good for me to read especially your ending, it took years to arrive there even without ocd, your final words are like a balm to my soul, thank you.

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    1. Thank you, Lynn. Some kind of situation like this is almost universal. Certainly we all lose people we love. I'm glad that it was good for you to read this.

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  3. Unfortunately, there's no manual for situations like these Tina. We do the best we can -- which I'm sure you did during your father's illness.

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    1. Thank you, Nancy. No, no manual, though sometimes that would be nice! The most useful standard we can have, I think, is to do the best we can.

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  4. Tina he would certainly NOT want you to feel guilty. I am afraid this post hits a little close to home for me but I do know you were a wonderful daughter and he would NOT want that. Be happy Tina he is. Hug B

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    1. Thank you, B, and hugs to you. I'm sorry this hits close to home.

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  5. Yes you ABSOLUTELY did the best you could. YOu said exactly what was needed in order to comfort him...we need comfort in vulnerable moments and there's no doubt that he needed comfort when you were having that conversation with him my friend.

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    1. Thank you, Keith. If I provided him with comfort, then I am glad.

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    1. Thank you, Theresa. I do favor him a lot, and have some of his temperament and personality.

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  7. I believe he would want you to KNOW he loves you always . . .

    YOU did a brilliant job then - and you continue on your life journey in a graceful, open, sharing and brilliant way.

    -g-

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    1. Thank you, G. This life certainly is a journey, and I believe that he is just farther along on the journey.

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  8. Oh, that was a tough time. My dad also suffered in a nursing home.

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    1. Thank you, Sharon. It is so hard to see someone you care about in a nursing home. And yet I'm so grateful that they are available when needed.

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  9. I am sorry ocd tortured you over that conversation. You shared hope and cheer with your father which was the best thing you could have done at that point.

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    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. It was an OCD problem for a long time, but that's resolved now, for which I am grateful.

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  10. That sounds like a terrible illness - I'm sorry he had to go through that. No, he wouldn't want you to feel guilty and you did what you could to help him.

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    1. Thank you for your support, Lisa. It was a terrible illness. He couldn't eat and he couldn't talk--two things he loved to do.

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  11. I know how hard these things are to deal with without OCD...........I'm sorry you had that extra burden, but you are so right. I'm sure the last thing your dad would want is for you to feel guilty. My dad passed away four years ago today (July 8th) so we almost share dates here.....thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you for sharing, Janet. I will be thinking of you. I know it's not easy.

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  12. Well said. Your dad would not want you to feel guilty. OCD is sure irritating, and I'm glad you fought it back.

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    1. Thanks, Abigail. We have to keep fighting it, but it's worth it, isn't it?

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  13. This is a very thoughtful post about your dad. You had a special relationship with him that you can be proud of. It's wonderful that you could be there for him when he needed you.

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    1. Thank you, Patty. We weren't always close, but as I got older, we understood each other better. I'm grateful for that.

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  14. Life is hard and situations like that are doubly hard. No one knows the right thing to say whether they are dealing with OCD or not. I would imagine that you have gotten it right at this point. You shared your hope and that is the best thing you could have done.

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    1. Thanks, Barbara. I appreciate it. You're right--no one knows the right thing to say in situations like that. Maybe there is no right thing. We just do the best we can in the moment.

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  15. It's never easy to go through this. I still have both my parents, though they are deteriorating. My husband's parents died, one in 2008, the other in 2010. I had conversations with both that were difficult, and I always wondered if I said or did the right thing in each instance. I'm sure your father was deeply grateful that you were there with him, and somewhere out there, he is so very proud of what you have become.

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    1. Thank you, Nadine. That is a very kind thing to say. I'm sure that you were a comfort to your in-laws, probably in ways you can't even know.

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  16. ooohhhhh tina, he looks like such a jolly soul!!

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    1. Thank you, Debbie. He was very much a people person--loved meeting people and learning more about them, talking. He was one of those people who never met a stranger. :-)

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  17. Oh I do know the pain you must have felt. My Mother had a stroke and could not keep a feeding tube in, and she was too weak to have one surgically inserted, So, we had no choice but to place her in hospice until she passed...I did have major guilt with this. We can only hope and pray that deep down we know we made the best decisions at the time and that our parents passed knowing that we loved them. Big hugs!!

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    1. Thank you, Deanna, for your very understanding comment. I'm sorry about your mother. I know that must have been so difficult.

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  18. I'm glad you've come to that realization Tina. You were there for him, and that was so important. And i can sure see a family resemblance in this photograph. :)

    It's so wonderful you've sought the help you needed. I've had a lot of guilt about various things throughout my life because of my anxiety. But not to the degree you've had, i'm sure. I hope you can focus on your good memories of your Dad, and they'll comfort you.

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    1. Thank you, Mary. Yes, there's a definite resemblance! I favor his side of the family more than my mother's.

      I am so grateful for the help I've gotten for my OCD and anxiety. My life is so much better now. I still have problems and burdens like everyone does. They're just easier to deal with now.

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  19. No. He would not have wanted you to feel guilty. Let me remind you what your mind knows: You were a loving daughter that did all she could for her Daddy. OCD is a terrible thing. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Keep thinking of the happier days with him and let those carry you through.

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    1. Thank you, Jill. It was hard to remember the good for a lot of years. I'm in a much better place now and have accepted a lot of things that I can't change about the past.

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  20. You expressed yourself so well. I don't know your father, but believe you're correct that he wouldn't want you to feel guilty - there was nothing you could do but listen to his concerns. I'm happy that you did some research and are able to accept your fathers passing without carrying guilt.

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    1. Thank you, Karen. It was a long time coming, but I do have peace about it now.

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  21. Those moments...no, your Dad wouldn't want you to feel guilty, dear. We do the best we can with what we have. Sometimes that's not enough, but that's not our fault, and our loved ones know that. {{Hugs}}

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