Saturday, April 14, 2012

OCD is hard

I’ve been thinking about what it’s like to have obsessive-compulsive disorder.
How I experience OCD now is different from how I experienced it when I was child, teenager and young adult.
If I compare my life now to how it was when I was in my 20s, I can say with no doubt that things are better now. I cope better. I am able to turn away from the compulsive urges much more easily. I have tools in my toolbox to fight it.
On this blog, I write mostly about what it’s like for me now to have OCD. I continue to have problems with obsessions and compulsions. I am still discovering ways that OCD works itself into my life. My general anxiety and depression can still throw me to the floor and make me think I’ve never moved forward.
But I have moved forward. With medication, cognitive behavioral therapy and personal lifestyle changes, all ongoing, I am moving forward. I am grateful for that.
I know many others are suffering in the depths of OCD, where they are exhausted and in despair. I wish I could wave a wand and take away all their pain.
Because I know how hard it is. That is something I will never forget, no matter how much my own OCD and depression improve.
I’ve had the chapped and discolored hands and wrists from having them in water and strong cleaners much of the day.
  I have stood in front of my stove for hours, looking at the knobs from every angle, touching the top over and over, checking for heat, while I tried to reassure myself that the stove was off.
  I have cleaned the bathroom using bottles of disinfect at a time, then made up excuses—lied—to try to keep others from using it.
  I have driven in circles, back and forth on the street, looking for bodies that I may have run over.
  I have picked up sticks and rocks and anything that looked dangerous as I tried to walk from one place to another, backtracking and bending over to examine something that looked like a weed but might be a wire that could stick someone in the foot.
  I have written research papers that said nothing because I was so afraid of plagiarizing.
  I have failed to finish so many books because I couldn’t turn a page until I’d read it multiple times, making sure I’d really read it.
  I have prayed and chanted continuously, thinking I was somehow responsible for keeping everyone safe by doing so.
  I have confessed my sins, or what might possibly be sins, to anyone who would listen.
I’ve prayed for God to just let me die because I didn’t think I could take one more minute of the pain.
Somewhere inside me was a little hope. It must have been there, even though I couldn’t feel it, because somehow I didn’t give up.
It has taken years for me to reach a point where obsessions and compulsions don’t occupy every waking moment. I am getting better faster now, I believe, because I am doing cognitive behavioral therapy, something I didn’t think I needed before.
OCD will always be with me. It will always be with you, too, if you have it.
Hope will get us through, though. No matter how tiny that hope is, even if it’s just a small thought that there must be something better than this. Even if all the hope you have is the knowledge that someone else got better.
I got better. I’m getting better. And you can too.

26 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing this. That has been my prayer to God lately ... "just let me die Lord because I can't take this anymore". I don't really want to die. Well at that given moment I do, but in all actuality I just want to live without this suffering. My OCD is getting worse very rapidly. Literally everyday is worse than the day before. I am going to talk to someone about meds. I'm not sure about CBT yet. I am so happy that you are overcoming this horrible disorder. I hope to one day be able to say I'm getting better as well.

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    1. You will be able to say it. Hold on to that hope. It will grow.

      I'm glad you're going to seek help. My first step was medication, and while it's not for everyone, it helped me tremendously. It enabled me to fight the OCD in additional ways.

      Take care!

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  2. This is a powerful post, especially coming from someone who has "been there." I could not agree with you more about hope getting us all through........whether it be battling OCD or another illness or disorder. There must be "HOPE" in the air these days as I've just finished writing my post for next week called "Creating Hope." Thanks for all you do, Tina. My guess is you are helping so many more people than you realize. Keep up the great work!

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    1. Janet, You are so encouraging, and I thank you for that. I look forward to reading your "hope" post!

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  3. I have some symptoms but not things that can really stop me from functioning. I always need to check twice or three times if I closed the door, I always have to read the same thing twice to make sure I understood, check a telephone number before dialing even if it's my home number, but I think it's mainly lack of self confidence.
    I can see how hard OCD is, Good luck in your healing Tina < Much love <3

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    1. Nikky, Thank you so much! Dealing with anxiety and lack of self-confidence is hard, too. You are doing so well, and I love to read your blog!

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing this. I do not have OCD, but I do enjoy reading this blog because I enjoy understanding it and following your story. You seem to be very introspective and also able recognize that you're getting better. I look forward to following more of your journey.

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    1. Keith, Thank you for reading and commenting, and for your kind words. My journey is a journey traveled by many with OCD. I always look forward to reading your blog. You write with a lot of wisdom and insight, and fun!

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  5. I concur.."Powerful Post"
    I remember years ago, before I even knew what I had was OCD, or that OCD existed, thinking all these obsessions and compulsions were unique to me and this blows that right out of the water. As I read your posts and others who blog about OCD, there are such strong patterns and though OCD comes in many forms there are strong similarities. Thank you for sharing. And I'm glad you are better.

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    1. Krystal, Thank you! Blogging and reading others' blogs has helped me to see, also, that there are so many similarities in the way people manifest OCD. It's sometimes uncanny how close the obsessions and compulsions are. Reading your blog helps me, too, and I enjoy it!

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  6. You're not kidding that OCD is hard. I literally feel as if I've been through a war. I'm battle scarred and worn, and yet because of my continued improving mental health I'm hopeful and excited about life. I have a wisdom about life that I simply would not have had without having gone through this. In some ways I'm very grateful for that. I sure wasn't grateful for it when I was at my worst, though! I agree, there must have been just a tiny bit of hope inside. Now it has blossomed into something beautiful. Today, I can honestly say that life is good.

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    1. Sunny, It makes me so happy to know that you are hopeful and excited about life. I know that you worked--and continue to work--so hard with the CBT, and I am so proud of your accomplishments. I think of you when I think of someone who has really benefited from CBT.

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  7. Tina, how inspiring that post is for all who suffer from OCD. There IS hope and even in your darkest days, there are glimmers and if you can't find one inside, then reach out.
    Here for you...sending hugs!

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    1. Thank you, Tracy! I love that--if there's no hope inside, reach out. That's very comforting!

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  8. How brave and beautiful to share your struggles with the rest of us. We all have issues, and I admire those who are willing to be vulnerable enough to help others. I'm popping in from the a-z challenge. God bless you!

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    1. Thanks for popping in and commenting, Mare! I appreciate it.

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  9. Yes, thank you for sharing. It's beautifully written and helpful for those of us who don't understand it first-hand.

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    1. Rebecca, Thank you for your kind words. Hope you had a nice trip!

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  10. Thank you for this post. I've uttered similar on many occasions. This is a post that gives me that little bit of hope that I've been struggling to find recently. I'm so glad whenever I hear of anyone who is beating this monster, not just because it gives me hope but also because I would never wish this disorder on anyone. It steals so much. I'm glad you're taking back what it has stolen from you.

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    1. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, either. That's a good way to put it--it steals from us. I am trying to look ahead. Good luck on your own progress. Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting!

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  11. It is so wonderful that CBT is doing so many healing things for your mind. No doubt that will open many new doors for you :-)

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    1. I had never thought of CBT as healing, but that's a good way to put it. I will think of it that way now. Thanks, Lisa!

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  12. What a beautiful and powerful post!

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  13. Thank you for sharing your story. I can definitely relate to the struggle you are going through... I too have had hands that are raw from scrubbing them for hours with cleaners. But I have learned a lot of great coping tips from http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ocd. You are such an inspiration!

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