Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Expectations



I’ve been thinking for months about an interview with actor Michael J. Fox that I read in the April/May issue of AARP Magazine. I also found the interview online here.
Fox has Parkinson’s disease, and he addressed its effect on his life in the following passage:

“'There's an idea I came across a few years ago that I love,' he says. 'My happiness grows in direct proportion [to] my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations. . . . That's the key for me. If I can accept the truth of “This is what I'm facing — not what can I expect but what I am experiencing now” — then I have all this freedom to do other things.'”

I’ve been pondering this passage from the interview for months. I wanted to understand it. I intuitively felt that it could be an important concept for me to grasp.
I copied and pasted it in a Word document and kept going back to it.
I didn’t understand how expectations could be hurtful. Shouldn’t we expect certain things to be a certain way? Aren’t we supposed to have expectations of others?

I finally had a realization about this one evening at home.
I was sitting at my computer, playing solitaire, feeling sad.
I had opened up my Word document earlier in the evening and read the Fox quote again.
But then I started thinking about how a person had disappointed me.
The details don’t matter. The fact is that I had expected this person to do something a certain way, and when she didn’t, I didn’t like it.
I felt terrible. I wondered what was wrong with me to cause this person to act a certain way. I wondered why things never seemed to turn out the way I wanted them to. I knew I was indulging in distorted thinking, but I just kept on and on down the negative trail.
Then the pieces came together. I realized that if I accepted the actions of this person—without judging her or myself—I felt a lot better. I could just let go of the incident.
I accepted her actions. I didn’t try to explain it to myself. I didn’t need to think about it anymore.
I just accepted it. And I couldn’t believe how better I felt. I actually felt lighter.

I create expectations based on all sorts of things, mostly on what I want. And usually the expectations are about things I cannot control.
Getting upset over things I can’t control just doesn’t make sense anymore.
Acceptance of what I can’t control, letting go of expectations—I felt it in action sitting there playing solitaire.
Now I just have to keep on accepting.


I’m still pondering this and thinking about Fox’s statement. What do you think about what he said about expectations and acceptance?

26 comments:

  1. Hi Tina, great post and thoughts. I agree with Michael J. Fox. In my view, we can be very hurt by expecting things that may never happen. What Michael J. Fox is saying, I believe, is that by living in the moment and accepting ourselves the way we are (and others as well), it takes a load off of us and enables us to give the rest to God. I try to do my best and leave the rest to God.

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    1. Thank you, Linda. I agree with you--it's so important, though so difficult, to live in the moment. And accepting ourselves and others is also important. I'm learning that more and more.

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  2. I think I have had to realize that at times with the health issues I am going through--accepting that this is where I am and then from there, trying to learn how I can live like this can be helpful. Because if I keep expecting that I might get better next week, next month, next year, then I might not do anything b/c I'm waiting until I get better. What if that day never comes? Then I haven't done anything in the meantime.

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    1. Thanks, Kristina. I hadn't thought of that aspect of it, that expectations can sometimes paralyze us and keep us from taking action, taking initiative, etc. I can see that in my own life, too. Thanks for bringing this up!

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  3. Oh your timing of this article could not have come at a better time for me Tina thank you. I do believe I get it and it makes perfect sense to me. Hug B

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  4. that is a lesson i am still trying to learn. :)

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    1. Thanks, Theresa. I think lessons like this take time, don't you?

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  5. After reading this statement, it has caused me to ponder here before writing my comment. I think that keeping our expectations in line (not saying to expect bad things, but to manage them and keep everything that happens in perspective) can result in a lot less stress in our lives. Had never thought of this before. Interesting!

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    1. Thanks, Keith. What Fox said really got me thinking, too, about the way I expect things and what expectations are OK. That's a good point you make--the importance of keeping things that happen in perspective.

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  6. I think a lot of what he is saying comes down to mindfulness and living in the moment. I find letting go of expectations and just accepting what actually is can be freeing.....of course it's not always easy, but I keep trying...great post. Lots to think about.

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    1. Thanks, Janet. Living in the moment and accepting what is--I experienced the freedom of that for at least a short time during the episode I wrote about in this post. You're right--it's not always easy, but we have to keep trying. :-)

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  7. There's an awful lot to chew on here. It's a rich post, and your question makes me want to write something longer. I've been working on what is a difficult post to write, and I think that your post may help me unlock that certain something that felt missing...so hopefully you'll soon see a response on my blog!

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    1. Thanks, Nadine. It is a lot to think about. I look forward to reading your post!

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  8. Well said. As a teacher I had many expectations of what I wanted kids to do and how to do it. When I look back , some of the problems with some individuals is that they also had expectations.

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    1. Thanks, Red. Good point. We forget that others have expectations that may be different from ours. :-)

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  9. I can get that - living in the moment. It can be hard to do - especially accepting others' actions. But it is freeing when you can do so.

    I shipped your package out yesterday (rolled into the post office at 4:55!). You should see it on Friday.

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    1. Thanks, Lisa. Accepting others' actions seems so hard for me sometimes because I feel like I'm approving things I don't feel comfortable approving. But I'm finding that accepting is not the same thing as approving.

      Thank you so much for the package!! I received it today. I sent you an email about it. :-)

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  10. I totally agree with what he is saying. We must accept those things that we can't change and we should not have unrealistic expectations. That frees us from worry and disappointment and allows us to enjoy what we have in the present.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. "Unrealistic expectations"--I think I have a lot of those! I'm working on accepting what I can't change--so hard sometimes.

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  11. I think it's very wise and right on! I've done that often in my life.. based my happiness on expectations that then don't happen or pan out the way i... expect. :) I've learned not to do that so often, but i still slide back there once in awhile. I'm working hard on it though. And it's amazing how much happier i feel. Acceptance is key. It really is. I'm glad you're accepting things Tina. It's so healthy. Thank you for this excellent post. I love this!

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    1. Thank you, Mary. Basing happiness on the outcome of our expectations just doesn't work, does it?

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  12. so well written tina, my thoughts also. i think we are always learning, right up till the day we pass on!!

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    1. Thank you, Debbie. I know I've still got a lot to learn. Makes life so interesting! :-)

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  13. He's such a great person and role model -- so much class.

    I'm not even sure it's even about unrealistic expectations, but allowing ourselves to feel "bad" or "good" depending upon an outcome of something of which we may or may not have any control.

    So much time is wasted by dwelling on "what if's" and "why did this have to happen?" But that's human nature and something we can all work on.

    Great post Tina.

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    1. Thanks, Nancy. I admire Fox, too. Good point--the way we let outcomes affect us matters. I have wasted a lot of time asking "what if" and "why me."

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