It’s not all or nothing

Sunlight through oak leaves on an early morning in August.

As you know, I’ve recently taken up knitting. At first, I didn’t think I’d ever get beyond a few awkward stitches. It was a struggle for me to become comfortable with the movements of the needles and yarn.

But gradually, things changed. I kept pulling out my knitting bag and doing a little more. I recognized that I was moving my needles more quickly. I was feeling more comfortable.

And I could look at the results and see with my own eyes that I was getting better.

Another example of practice making us better at whatever we’re trying to do.

I know that practice helps. I’ve experienced it. We usually have to practice, have to keep trying, before we reach our goals, before we get to the place we want to be.

So why can’t I keep that idea—that wisdom—in mind with all my efforts?

I think an obstacle for me is the “all or nothing” thinking that goes along with my OCD and depression. With that kind of cognitive distortion, I believe that if I don’t get it right the first time, if I’m not perfect, then I’ve failed. Then it’s not good enough. Then there’s no need to keep trying.

I’ve been trying to make some changes in my daily routine. One change I’ve been attempting is to get up at the same time every day, preferably at an early hour.

All or nothing thinking has been getting in the way.

I’ve tried motivating myself with thoughts of what I’d accomplish by getting up earlier. I’ve set a regular alarm clock on the dresser in the bedroom so I’ve had to get out of bed to turn it off. I’ve charged my cell phone in the bedroom so I’d awaken to a more pleasant alarm (the phone has so many choices that sound better than a blaring alarm or even the radio).

I’ve had mixed results. I’ve gotten up, turned off the alarm, and gone right back to bed. I’ve gotten up, fed Chase Bird, and gone back to bed. I’ve gotten up and stayed up. But I don’t yet have a firm routine in place.

I’ve felt defeated. I’ve felt like a failure, a personal failure. Other people get up at the same early hour every day. Why can’t I? I’ve done it in the past. What’s wrong with me now?

But then I decided to apply the “practicing” way of thinking. Maybe I haven’t defeated my propensity to sleep “just a little more,” but that doesn’t mean I won’t get better at it. Why not just keep practicing? Why not learn from my experiences?

Why not believe that down the road, I’ll look back and see that I’ve improved? Just like I’ve improved in my knitting.

And in so many other things, if I’m honest with myself.

So I’ll keep working at this.

Name something that you have practiced to get better at.

Making habits

A tree in our neighborhood. It's been here longer than I have and has seen a lot.

Hello, dear readers. I have not been consistent with my blogging lately, and I apologize for that. Here is what has been going on with me and what I want to do about it.

I have been working more hours than usual at the newspaper, which accounts for some of my absence. But the main reason is that I’ve been living an unhealthy lifestyle.

My eating has been all over the place—too much, not the right kinds of foods. I haven’t been exercising. I haven’t been keeping good sleeping habits. I stay up late, toss and turn, then sleep too late. Long naps are the norm when I get the chance. And still, I’m exhausted too much of the time.

I haven’t been spending enough time outside in nature, taking photographs. I haven’t been relaxing enough. I’ve let intrusive thoughts carry away my emotions.

I think about writing more than taking action and sitting down and writing. I let fear and inertia control me.

Basically, I’ve been drifting along, doing what I have to do, putting my head down and just vowing to get through the day. I haven’t been looking for the joy, or the contentment, or the peace that I believe can make each day a better one.

I love looking at trees like this and their huge roots. Trees are symbolic for me. I think of life and stability and strength when I look at them.

There are lots of reasons for letting myself go: lack of motivation, procrastination, some depression, feelings of insecurity, taking the easy way out. Fear.

Have you ever felt tired of how you’re living? That’s where I am now.

I’ve been here before. And my usual response is to make a huge list of things to change and set a lot of goals, all at once. And then I get overwhelmed.

So I’m starting slow. There’s one habit I’m going to work on first. I’m not going to tell you what it is today. I’m going to work on it and tell you about it Wednesday. I’ll tell you about it even if the process is going badly.

Because change is hard and sometimes the process is pretty ugly.

What’s the last habit you worked on developing?

Changes

   Thank you for listening to me while I work through changes.

Chase Bird

“All things bright and beautiful,

All creatures great and small,

All things wise and wonderful,

The Lord God made them all.”

--Cecil Frances Alexander

When Larry and I got married almost 10 years ago, we formed a blended family. But not in the way the term “blended family” usually refers to.

Larry has a daughter, but she was already married and had two children when I married Larry. I didn’t have any children.

We blended our cats.

Larry had Thunder Cat and Sam. I had Waddles. Waddles and I moved into the house Larry already had in Altavista, and we became the happy family we had dreamed about.

Or not.

The cats didn’t get along. We should have known it wouldn’t be easy.

We really didn’t know what we were doing. We immediately introduced Waddles to Thunder and Sam—face to face in the same room. A lot hissing and growling ensued, as you can imagine.

We learned. Usually you have to gradually introduce cats to each other. It can take days—weeks—months before they will spend peaceful time together in the same room. Sometimes it never quite happens.

But eventually, it did happen with Waddles and her two new siblings. They could, for the most part, remain at peace with each other.

One of the happiest times I remember is when all five of us—Larry, me and the three cats—were together in the den, sitting around, hanging out, calm.

Sam was the last of our “original” cats. When she died last week, the group of cats that we started out with, which we formed our family with, was gone.

“O heavenly Father, protect and bless all things that have breath: guard them from all evil and let them sleep in peace.”

--Albert Schweitzer

In 2007, we added Chase Bird to the family. He was a stray that started living under one of the bushes in our front yard, and eventually we took him in and adopted him.

The other cats didn’t like him. He and Thunder Cat had a growling row one time. So we kept Chase in his own room. Larry put up a gate so that he could see what was going on, but we couldn’t let him out with the other cats.

We worked on introducing Chase to them. But as time went on, it seemed less workable because first Thunder Cat, then Waddles, got very sick and fragile.

Chase and Sam had more interaction, usually through the gate. But we were very careful about unsupervised meetings. Usually, if Chase was running around the house, it was because Sam was in a part of the house he couldn’t get to.

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.”

--Anatole France

Now Chase Bird is the only cat we have. He has full run of the house. It has been an adjustment for all of us. We’ve had to get used to a cat that is young enough to jump up on kitchen counters and dresser tops and bathroom sinks. He is getting used to a freedom that he hasn’t known.

He is a blessing and a comfort. We are fortunate to have him.

But so many changes. 

The changing of the seasons, a time to change

Happy Autumn! I am so happy it’s officially the fall of the year. I love the chill in the air in the morning and in the evening, and the reduced humidity.

My husband and I went out into the yard today with our cameras, looking for signs of fall. We still have a lot of green, but there are signs that the foliage will turn soon.

And here’s a wee acorn sprouting up on an oak tree branch.

Soon enough the acorns will be raining down, providing a vast supply for our neighborhood squirrels. And sometimes leaving little dents in my car.

I feel like fall is a new beginning. Maybe it’s because I went to school for so many years, but with the fall of the year, I get a yearning to start anew, to try new things, to get organized.

Lately, I’ve been finding pieces of wisdom about using our time wisely on the Internet and elsewhere. I haven’t been purposely looking for it as much as it just seems to have shown up.

I’ve been reminded about the preciousness of time, of how we’re all given the same amount of time, how we can easily make the excuse that we don’t have time to do something that is important.

On Sunday, I went to the store and bought some lavender legal pads and purple ink pens to use for creating lists and plans to help me achieve some things I want to achieve.

Why the special paper and pens? Well, I love office and school supplies. And I wanted something pretty and special to use for something so important.

I’m starting out with lists of what I want to accomplish, from the big, life-changing things to the small ones. I’m going to gradually break things down into doable goals that will help me plan each week as it comes.

I’m not starting from scratch. I’ve done this before on the job, when I worked as a health educator. At my current job, I keep a list, or budget, of the stories I need to follow in the future, then transfer those items to weekly lists.

I know what my priorities are. I know many of the things I want to accomplish.

It’s time I applied a more organized approach to the rest of my life.

Again, I’m not starting from scratch.

But I do have a new sense of urgency to not let time slip by any longer without me using it the best I can.

I won’t be giving up on spontaneity, and I won’t panic if I don’t follow to the letter everything I write down.

But my tendency is to procrastinate. My tendency is to think instead of act. My tendency is to push things aside for later. My tendency is to drift along, with no plan.

Some of this comes from having OCD. OCD used to rule my life so much, tell me what I had to do when, that I rebelled against routine.

Some of this comes from having depression. When you’re depressed, it’s hard to see the point in planning. It’s sometimes hard to have the energy or desire to do anything beyond the basics.

But I need more routine. I need a plan. I need accomplishments.

As the leaves change, as the weather changes, so I need to change. As the leaves drop off the trees, letting go for the winter, so I need to let go of certain habits.

I’ll share more as I move forward in this journey.

How do you ensure that you get the important things done?

Making a decision, making a change

I made my decision.

I was faced with making a big decision, which I wrote about last week in a post about OCD and making decisions.

I am making a change in my work life.

Starting this week, I am lowering my work hours to 32 hours per week.

It may not seem like a big change, but for me, it’s huge.

As you may remember, I work as a newspaper reporter. My main beats are county government, the sheriff’s office and the courts.

I write about activities in local government, crimes when they occur, and the outcomes of some of those crimes in court.

Some of my days are very long, especially Tuesdays when we lay out the paper, which I also assist with.

If I have meetings in the evenings, it also makes for a long day.

Sometimes I feel like I miss the entire day in a blur because I’m wrapped up in making phone calls and conducting interviews, or I’m hunched over my computer writing a story.

I’m away from home more than I like, and I sometimes feel overwhelmed by what I have to do at work and by what I’d like to do at home.

I think this sense of being overwhelmed stems from several things, such as my temperament; my OCD, depression and anxiety; and my energy level.

It’s also affected by the nature of my job. There’s always another deadline looming ahead, another paper to plan for, another interview to conduct, more story ideas to generate. It’s easy to stay in a state of anxiety.

For a while now, I’ve been fighting the job. I’ve had a hard time getting up in the morning to go in to work. I’ve dreaded Mondays. I’ve basically lived for the weekends, and some weekends I have to work.

After I first got the idea for cutting my hours, I talked with my husband, then the newspaper’s publisher, then the editor. Then I thought some more and talked some more and asked more questions.

I prayed. I meditated.

I knew it would mean less money. Not a lot less per week, but it would add up over a year’s time.

Also, I’ve worked full time for many years. Being a full-time worker was part of my identity.

But things worked out. I made my decision. And I’m at peace with it.

Why is this a huge change for me?

It means more time.

I’ll have chunks of days or even whole days free from the confines of the job.

More time to do the writing that I want to do. To do more things at home. To perhaps start an editing business.

More time with Larry.

I hope with the step back, I’ll be able to enjoy my job more.

And I hope that I’ll feel less overwhelmed, more ready to tackle the mental health issues that affect me.

I’m so grateful that I’m able to do this now. I don’t want to take the opportunity for granted.

Have you ever made a change in your work life that had big effects on your life?