Happy 2015!

Chase Bird allowed me to make one more silly “dress-up” photo of him to wish you all a Happy New Year.

This is a time when many of us resolve to do more, be more, be different, do differently during the next year. I tend to do that, too.

But as I wrote in my journal this morning, I am going to try to remember that we have the opportunity to set new goals, to start over, every single day, every single moment. We don’t have to pressure ourselves to perfectly live up to resolutions we make on any one day.

That said, I am making some plans and setting some goals. What I’d like to share with you today is my word for 2015.

I usually focus on choosing a guiding word for myself in the new year. The word that has come to me over and over is “Quiet.”

I need and crave quiet. I need time to stop the activity, to instead meditate and think and read and learn.

I also need to take quiet to allow the clamor of my thoughts to calm down. That’s not an easy task for me. In many ways, OCD and anxious thoughts—obsessive, relentless, continuous—are more familiar to me than a quiet mindfulness of the moment.

I need quiet to stop obsessing over the past, to stop worrying about the future, and t stop generally staying stuck. I need quiet to figure out how to move forward.

Do you ever find that once you start mulling over something, you begin to find others talking and writing about the same things?

I was fortunate to recently find a wonderful On Being program called “The Last Quiet Places: Silence and the Presence of Everything.” In the program, Gordon Hempton, an acoustic ecologist, is interviewed. The introduction to the program states that Hempton “defines real quiet as presence — not an absence of sound, but an absence of noise.”

Yes! That is what I want to experience. An absence of noise.

I hope 2015 will find me learning ways to experience quiet.

May 2015 be a joyful year for each of you!

A Review of 2014: The Year of Adventure

I hope those of you who celebrate Christmas had a wonderful and peaceful holiday! Larry and I had a quiet but very enjoyable time.

It’s hard for me to believe that this is the last post I will write in 2014. The years go by so quickly now!

Before the start of 2014, I chose a word to guide me through the year: Adventure. I did have some adventures during the year, some fun and exciting, some not-so-fun but life-changing, some big, some small.

Here are some of my adventures in 2014:

January: I opened a freelance editing business.

February: I started thinking about and making notes to write a mystery novel. I went sledding for the first time in years and had a blast!

One of my favorite photos from 2014. It was taken by Larry.

March: I covered the Group 1A boys basketball finals in Richmond and wrote a story about it—me, a non-sportswriter.

April: Larry and I started our first garden in the raised bed.

The raised bed garden in June.

May: I did an interview for a story on OCD and scrupulosity on CNN.com.

June: Relationships with family members changed forever.

July: I started to knit. I went on a ride-along with a deputy with the county sheriff’s office.

Chase Bird doesn't seem to think too highly of my knitting.

September: I made an adjustment in my medications that made a big, positive difference in my depression. I didn't start talk therapy as I planned. I put that off until 2015 because of scheduling problems.

October-November: I started and finished physical therapy for a problem that remains to be diagnosed for sure: Neck? Shoulder? Both?

November: Larry and I tried authentic Japanese food for the first time. We found snow at the Peaks of Otter on Thanksgiving Day.

One adventure I worked on the whole year was reading. Yes, reading is always an adventure for me. I set a goal to read 24 books. I thought that was manageable and not so high that I would set myself up for failure.

I actually went over my goal and read 27 books. That might end up being 28 for 2014 since I’m currently reading one of my Christmas books.

I read a lot of articles and essays, too.

All but three of the books I read fall into the mystery/thriller category. I’m not sure what that says about me. Yes, I love mysteries. But maybe I needed some escape time, too.

Of the mysteries, 15 of them were by John Sandford. I discovered him last Christmas, and as you can guess, I found his stories captivating.

Here are the three nonfiction books I read:

The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness. By Elyn R. Saks.

Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. By Palmer J. Parker.

Blush: A Mennonite Girl Meets the Glittering World. By Shirley Hershey Showalter.

I’m not sure yet what number of books I will set as a goal for 2015, but it will be higher than 24 or even 27. And I hope to include more nonfiction books.

So there’s a quick overview of 2014, one that in no way reflects the complexity of life. I am glad to put 2014 behind me.

On Thursday, let’s talk about 2015.

Readers, what one word sums up your 2014?

Happy New Year to You!

Happy New Year to you, dear readers and friends! I wish you all the best for 2014. May you find peace and joy in each day.

 

Tree stump at Mountain Lake. November 28, 2013.

“Instructions for living a life.

Pay attention.

Be astonished.

Tell about it.”

― Mary Oliver

Adventure

I’ll tell you about the boots in a minute. But first . . .

My word for 2014 is adventure.

This is the word that will guide me throughout the year, much as the phrase “letting go” was my guide in 2013.

I wanted the word for 2014 to come to me in a natural way, so I didn’t make lists of words or sit and think about it. I just kind of mulled it over as I did other things.

And as I was doing some housework within the last month or so, the word “adventure” popped into my head.

At first it didn’t seem right. It didn’t seem very Tina. It didn’t seem serious enough to provide me with a plan and goals for the New Year.

Some of the definitions of adventure in The American Heritage Dictionary didn’t help: “An undertaking or enterprise of a hazardous nature. An undertaking of a questionable nature, especially one involving intervention in another state’s affairs.”

But there were also these definitions: As a noun, adventure can mean “An unusual or exciting experience.” As a verb, it can mean “To venture upon; undertake or try.”

When I think of this word, I think of accepting each day I have as a gift, something to be enjoyed, not something to get through.

I think of taking chances, yes, of doing things that I need to do despite my fears. To serve others, to live my purpose, to live with joy despite OCD, despite anxiety, despite depression.

A D V E N T U R E

One way 2014 is already shaping up to be adventurous is that I am starting my editing business. Tina F. Barbour Editing Services LLC was born earlier this month and will be open for business soon.

This dream of mine to have my own business was a long time coming. I can read about something and think about something all day long, but take action? Well, there are all those fears. What if I fail? What if everyone thinks I’m stupid?

I got past those fears and did what I needed to do to create the business and prepare for the work. I’m still finishing up the details, but it’s all coming together.

Oh, and did I mention that I’m enjoying myself? That I love doing this?

A D V E N T U R E

For the first time in my life, I am in a place where I can even consider life as an adventure. During the past couple of years, I’ve let go of a lot of junk that was weighing me down. I got healthier mentally and emotionally. I gained a lot of tools in how to handle life with love and hope rather than fear. I have a much better relationship with my thoughts, which used to torture me.

I’m not happy all the time, but I have a contentment and joy that I’ve yearned for. I don’t take it for granted. I want to nurture it. I want to become a better person. I want to serve more.

And it’s going to be an adventure.

Now to explain why I have a photo of boots at the top of this post: I asked for boots for Christmas. I tried on several pair like I thought I wanted: plain, sturdy looking boots. Nothing seemed quite right.

Larry walked around the store and found another section of boots. They didn’t look like my type. But I tried on one. It felt comfortable. It supported my foot where I needed support. So I tried on the other one. I walked around the store. And I chose them.

I never thought I’d wear boots like this. The practical side of me loves the comfort. And the fun side of me that often gets pushed aside loves the style.

They’ll take me on lots of adventures, don’t you think?

Tomorrow I’ll talk about another way I’m approaching 2014.

Do you make resolutions for the New Year? Do you ever choose a word or theme to guide you?

Looking forward to 2013

In my last post, I wrote about 2012. In this, my last post for the year, I’m looking forward to 2013.

Usually I make some New Year’s resolutions. Last year, I tried setting some goals. But I think I set too many and my attention got scattered.

This year, I am thinking of a theme to carry me through the year and to guide my goals. That theme is “Letting go.”

Letting go is something that I need to practice. Letting go of fear, of anger, of resentment. Letting go of feelings of helplessness and worthlessness.

And in letting go of these things, I am leaving room for courage, compassion, peace. I am leaving room for hope and initiative and a healthy self-esteem.

I have been thinking of “Letting go” for a while, and it seems a good thing for me to concentrate on this year.

I will let it guide me in making decisions about my health (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual), my relationships and my work (which is more than my job).

I’m looking forward to 2013, and I hope you are too. I wish you all a joyful and peaceful New Year and beyond. God’s blessings to you!

What about you? Are you setting any resolutions or goals for the New Year? What do you want 2013 to be like for you?

Looking back at 2012

I’ve been thinking about what kind of year 2012 has been. I guess it’s not unusual to do that as the year winds down to a close and the new year begins in just a few days.

As I thought about the themes of this blog—living with obsessive-compulsive disorder while also dealing with depression and anxiety—I kept coming back to what has played a big role in my life this year: therapy.

I thought about the many times this year that I’ve climbed the front steps and walked into the red brick building where my therapist and my psychiatrist have their practices.

I have spent hours in their offices, feeling the gamut of emotions: fear, anger, joy, sadness.

I’ve talked, I’ve listened, I’ve role played, I’ve wept.

I’ve heard things and learned things that have reached my very core.

I had been away from any type of therapy other than “medication checks” with my psychiatrist for many years, but I had the goal of starting exposure and response prevention therapy, or ERP therapy as I started the year.

I had my first appointment with my psychologist in January. At that time I discovered that we would do cognitive behavior therapy instead of strictly ERP therapy, which was fine with me.

My therapist and I worked on my OCD for a while, and I made headway in learning to accept and deal with anxiety instead of doing compulsions to try to lessen it. I did ERP exercises and reported back to my therapist.

The therapy took a turn in April when my therapist noted that my depression—which he diagnosed as chronic—was affecting my ability to deal with the OCD and other anxiety.

We started CBASP therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Analysis System of Psychotherapy. It’s made up of intense sessions using situational analysis. These sessions have chipped away at the anger and subsequent helplessness that feeds the depression.

In October, I decided I needed to simultaneously work more on the OCD, so I started doing more ERP on my own, using as a guide Dr. Jonathan Grayson’s Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recover Program for Living with Uncertainty.

Compared to this time last year, I feel like I’ve moved down the path towards real recovery. I deal better with my interpersonal relationships, my OCD is better under control and I feel hope that I’m going to get better.

All this has reminded me of the importance of treatment for OCD and for depression and anxiety. There are many kinds of treatment, and each person is different. Different things may work for different people. The point is to reach out and get the treatment that is right for you.

I plan to continue climbing up those front steps in 2013.


What are some of the things 2012 has taught you?

Post-Christmas and Pre-New Year

I hope all of you had a peaceful and joyful Christmas.

Some of you may relate to this: I had a Christmas holiday that included times of peace and joy. I appreciated those times and tried to remind myself that no one ever has the perfect Christmas like TV movies portray.

The peace and joy: time spent with my husband, talking and laughing together; opening gifts together; ringing bells for the Salvation Army together; going to church together; listening to Christmas music together; and just being together.

Peace and joy: going to church on Christmas Day and listening to the Christmas story and singing carols and wishing others Merry Christmas.

Peace and joy: time spent with my mother and mother-in-law and stepdaughter.

Peace and joy: remembering that Christmas is the “dawn of redeeming grace” and a reminder of how important it is to serve others.

And the not-so-joyous parts? Dealing with a mother and mother-in-law who seemed resistant to me being a vegetarian; being with a mother who never understood the word “boundaries”; being in crowded stores and restaurants; knowing there’s so much violence in the world (like the bombings in Nigeria during Christmas Mass); and knowing many people are not as fortunate as I am to have a warm home, plenty to eat and people who care about me.

It all goes together to make up life, doesn’t it? The good and the bad, the joyous and the sad, the hope and despair, what we can control and what we cannot.

I’m grateful that I had joy and peace during Christmas, much more than many people had.

Tomorrow it’s back to work, but only a three-day workweek. I’ll have Friday off for New Year’s. I hope remembering that will help me get out of bed!

As for the time leading up to the New Year, I’ll be thinking about resolutions. I’m not sure how I’ll deal with that. I tend to want to make resolutions, but I know from my own experience how so very hard it is to keep them.

I also tend to make too many resolutions that really represent a complete makeover of my life.

I want to set my focus on serving others. I want to make changes to help me do that. I need to make changes in dealing with my “issues”—OCD, anxiety and depression. I want to lose weight, exercise and get physically stronger. I want to spend my time more wisely, write more, have a better attitude, be more mindful, engage in meditation more, practice yoga more, etc.

Sounds rather obsessive, doesn’t it? One resolution is not enough, because there are so many things I need to change right now.

How do you go about making resolutions . . . and keeping them? Do you make just one? Do you write down your resolutions? Do you build in accountability? If so, how?

I’m looking for ideas and insight, so any you can provide will be appreciated!