Doing more than just getting through it

I took this photo out my kitchen window last Monday. The town has been busy scooping up the leaves left at the curbside. They "vacuumed" up a large amount at our house last week. Larry has been busy gathering more for them to pick up this week.

Happy December! Is anyone else finding it hard to believe that the end of 2014 is upon us?

December is a particularly busy month for many. Work may be busier than usual with end-of-the-year assignments. The different holidays call us to prepare, often with shopping, cooking, cleaning, and decorating. The obligations can pile up. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed.

I’m facing a workweek that seems overwhelming to me. In fact, I’ve been dreading it. I have some challenging assignments with the newspaper that will keep me working late at least two, possibly three nights this week. And I have some personal obligations to take care of.

Even before I started my four-day Thanksgiving weekend, I looked forward and hated the thought of this coming week. It would be one of those weeks that I’d just get through, I thought. Just put my head down and do it and anticipate the weekend.

But . . . I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to feel like I have to “get through” certain days. I no longer want to wait until everything is “perfect”—not a hint of depression, no anxiety, no obsessive thoughts, no obligations, no responsibilities, etc.—to enjoy and appreciate life.

Granted, we all face difficult times when through necessity we just put one foot in front of the other. But this is a workweek I’m dreading. These weeks are a regular part of my life. I don’t want to wait for the good days anymore. I want to allow myself to have a good day any day.

This thinking harkens back to the post I wrote a couple of weeks ago about what makes for a good day. Shirley Hershey Showalter kindly posted it on her blog.

I can’t keep the good days for just those outside the newspaper office. Yes, things get hectic. I feel anxiety when facing a tight deadline, when covering something particularly controversial.

But I enjoy the work. Why not enjoy the day? Why not make each day, in some way, a good day? Even if I feel anxious, even if I fall into some OCD compulsions because of the stress, why not see the opportunity for a good day?

After all, this day is really all I have.

So I made a list of things I could do throughout the day to enjoy the day, to do meaningful work, to handle any extra anxiety, to do more than “get through” the day. And I’ve done some other planning and some preparation.

This week will be an experiment for me. I’ll report on how it goes.

In the meantime, please share in the comments section something that you do to get through the overwhelming, busy times. I love reading about others’ strategies, and I’m sure the other readers will appreciate them, too.

I’ll be back on my regular blogging schedule this week, so I’ll see you Thursday!

Working on it

Changing leaves from a past autumn.

Happy autumn to you, dear readers! It’s one of my favorite times of the year. Perhaps it’s a relic of spending years in school, but the beginning of fall seems like a new beginning to me.

I have been working on getting better since I posted HERE about feeling stuck and full of anguish.

I saw my psychiatrist, and he was concerned about my lack of energy and motivation, my lack of desire to do anything but sleep. We made an adjustment in my medication. It’s one we’ve made before.

It’s too early to experience the full effects of the change, but I have felt more like making plans and setting goals. I am having an easier time starting the day. I am feeling better.

My psychiatrist also thinks it would be a good idea for me to get into talk therapy again to deal with my anger and confusion about my mother. I agreed. I do want to talk with someone nonbiased who can help me find my way through the confusion.

I’m going to see the same psychologist I saw the last time I was in talk therapy. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have an opening until mid-November. I’m on the list to call if he has cancellations, and they did call about an appointment. But it was for a Monday, which are busy days at the newspaper. So, I’ll wait until November if that’s what I have to do.

The idea of taking care of myself, of loving myself, is something I’m still getting used to. It’s not what I was taught to do as I was growing up, and I’ve held on to the belief that thinking of oneself is selfish.

But the time for change is here.

I’m learning more about taking care of myself when I am anxious, angry about the past, or feeling lost.

For example, last week, a particular news story was bothering me. It brought back a lot of bad memories, and I felt tense with anger.

I sat down and wrote down a description of how I felt. I probably frightened the keys on my computer by how hard I was pounding them. But I felt better—relieved, calm—after I finished.

Writing can definitely be therapeutic.

So can knitting. Here is my first knitted scarf:

I love the motions my hands make as they work the needles. I like the way the yarn feels. I like the rhythm. I like having a finished product. I feel soothed.

So that’s where I am right now. Still putting one foot in front of the other, as we all have to do.

Take care of yourselves, love yourselves. And I will see you on Thursday.

Feeling down this time of the year?

Our Christmas tree in the den in 2012. We haven't put up the tree this year yet.

I’ve had some scary moments lately. Not scary in that I feel like I’m physically in danger. But scary in the sense that my mood has dipped and I’ve felt some of the depression that I haven’t felt for a good while.

I can tell you when these episodes were. Both happened on Sunday.

***

In the morning, I realized that I was feeling upset and down. I had been crunching some numbers and thinking about Christmas gifts to buy, and I was disappointed that I couldn’t afford to buy the ones I love everything I’d like to buy them.

It wasn’t just a bad moment. I felt the now-familiar dullness of depression creeping around the edges. Even though I quickly recognized that I wasn’t’ focusing on the important things about Christmas, the feeling lingered.

***

On Sunday evening, Larry was working on his computer in the den, and I was working on mine in the next room. The TV was turned to a PBS Christmas music special. The music was lovely. The show had all the makings for putting any listener in the holiday spirit. So why did my mood sink so low? Why did I feel so dark?

***

It’s especially difficult to feel low when the community around me is getting ready for the “most wonderful time of the year.”

I know intellectually that that’s not necessarily true for everyone. This time of holidays is a wonderful time, a special time. However, it’s not and doesn’t have to be the best time of the year for everyone.

A little hard to remember when the lights are going up and the music is playing.

***

I’ve feeling better now, but I’m still rattled. I remember how depressed I got after Christmas last year, how dark the world seemed—and not just because it was the dead of winter.

I believe that some of my low mood comes from pressure I put on myself. Some of it is societal pressure that I allow myself to be influenced by.

But I do think about the part of me that makes me prone to depression and wonder if it’s stirring.

I don’t want to sink again. I’m taking my medication, and I believe it’s still doing its job. I am much more mindful of my thoughts and how they can lead me down the dark roads.

I decided that I need to take some special precautions this month. I need to do some things to protect my mental and my physical health.

Here are some things I came up with to try:

*Take time for a cup of tea while I sit by the fire.

*Get up early enough to have time to write in my journal and play with Chase Bird before I go to work.

*Write down when I want to get certain things done so they’re not weighing on my mind (things like sending Christmas cards).

*Save time for crafting in my little studio.

*Do things for others.

*Spend time outside.

*Take photographs.

*Listen to my favorite Christmas carols and sing along.

*Play Christmas songs on my keyboard.

What self-care measures do you take during busy times of the year?

Sick and down: How physical illness can affect mental health

I’ve been sick since last week. Not seriously ill, just a cold with a bad cough, but it makes me feel miserable.

What made it worse was that I took a couple of days of vacation to go along with the 4^th of July holiday, so I was off work last Wednesday through Sunday, and felt bad for most of that time.

I woke up Thursday morning with a sore throat and it was down hill from there.

My sinuses were stopped up, then runny, then stopped up, then half and half. I sneezed. I coughed. My throat continued to hurt.

I self-treated the best I could with Tylenol, antihistamines, hot tea, lots of other fluids and as much rest as I could get.

I’m telling you this to illustrate my next point: I also felt down.

Being physically sick usually means my mood goes down.

At least part of the reason lies in what I feel like doing when I’m sick: nothing.

I have been so miserable that I haven’t felt like doing much reading, writing, drawing, exercising, cross-stitch, crocheting—many of the things I depend on to make me feel better.

I don’t feel like doing any of the things I listed as self-care measures in a post last week.

I don’t even feel like watching TV or playing games on my phone.

I did exercise last Thursday, but I haven’t since.

My sleep patterns have been messed up. Friday morning at 4 a.m., I was wide-awake. Saturday afternoon, I was dead to the world. The rest of the nights have been spent battling a cough.

I’ve learned two things. One is that my physical health has a direct impact on my mental health. The better I feel physically, the better able I am to help myself with my mental health.

And how I spend my time and my activity level are very important to my mental health. It’s important for me to read, to write, to think, to write some more. It’s important for me to move around, to use my body as well as my brain.

In his book Depression: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed (which I reviewed here), Lee H. Coleman Ph.D., ABPP writes about the importance of daily self-care in depression recovery: “When you’re recovering from depression, it’s especially important for you to have some routine in you life. This doesn’t mean having a boring, predictable lifestyle, but it does mean taking care of yourself by having a regular bedtime; consistent, healthy meals; and, ideally, a program of exercise” (p. 135).

I would agree.

How about you? When you are physically ill, does it adversely affect how you feel mentally?