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| A caterpillars' nest in a tree near my house. A walk outside, noticing the details of nature, is a balm to me. |
Until I started working for the
newspaper almost five years ago, I had been a part of a court proceeding twice.
Once when I was 16 and got a ticket for improper driving for hitting a mailbox
during driver’s education training (Yes, embarrassing. No one was hurt, thank
goodness). And once nearly 20 years ago when I was a victim of a crime.
One of my regular beats since I
started with the paper has been covering the courts. I’ve covered all kinds of
crime: murders, drug crimes, burglaries, robberies, assaults, and on and on.
One thing I’ve discovered is that
if you want to see drama, a wide range of the human condition, sit in court for
an afternoon and watch the cases that come up.
I’ve heard wailing, laughter,
defiant words. I’ve heard pleas of innocence, apologies for horrific crimes,
promises to live in such a way as to never have to appear in court again.
I’ve seen family members of
victims and defendants bend at the waist, crying in sorrow. I’ve seen law
enforcement officers stand around the victim’s family protectively as the
convicted defendant leaves court.
I’ve waited in the courtroom after
the hearing is over so I wouldn’t intrude on family members standing outside in
the hall, consoling each other. I’ve taken the stairs instead of the elevator
so I could have a moment alone. I’ve sat in my car outside the courthouse
crying too hard to drive.
The last several weeks, I’ve been
in court a lot, covering cases for the paper. The tragedies I witness are not
my tragedies. I don’t have the pressures that the prosecutors and law
enforcement officers have.
But my time in court takes its
toll.
One way I’ve coped it to write
about it. Of course, I write the stories about the court proceedings for the
newspaper: man found guilty, judge sentences defendant to 25 years, mistrial
declared.
And that writing is a way of
coping because I’m taking what I’ve observed and learned, and I’ve told the
story of what happened in the community. I’ve documented a piece of the community.
But I’ve also been writing on my
own, typing out thoughts I’ve had about my experiences in court, what I’ve
learned, what I struggle with.
I’ve been holding on to these
thoughts and feelings for nearly five years. I’ve made little notes of
observations in the backs of my reporter’s notebooks, but I’ve never sat down
and written with purpose the things that weigh on my after a difficult hearing,
that have kept me awake many nights.
That’s where I’ve been mentally
and emotionally lately. I’ve taken few photographs. I’ve been visiting my
blogger friends’ sites less. I’ve been contemplating the unanswerable questions
more often.
I think the writing is helping.
And I have to remind myself, with deep breaths, with thoughts of Larry and
Chase Bird, that my life is not the courtroom or the cases that I cover.
