My weekend and habits

Sunday was a rainy day, but I wanted to get some pictures of the daffodils anyway.

The daffodils that came with the house—we didn’t plant them—are at the edge of the yard where the woods begin. They bloom every year and are an early reminder that spring has arrived.

I haven’t taken pictures of anything lately. On Saturday night, as I planned the next day out loud, I mentioned getting some photos of the flowers. Larry reminded me that it was supposed to rain.

I’ll go out before the rain, I said.

Sunday morning I slept in, and it was raining before I finished my shower and got dressed. I decided I wasn’t going to change my plans.

I held the camera close to my body and shielded it the best I could. The rain wasn’t coming down hard. It didn’t feel like a gentle spring rain, though, because the air had a cold bite to it. Winter hasn’t fully let go.

I got my photos of the flowers, and then came inside. I left my camera sitting out of its case, letting any dampness evaporate.

One reason I didn’t want the rain to get in the way of my plans was because I’ve been letting too much get in the way of my plans lately. Procrastination and lack of motivation—are they the same? Whatever they are, they’ve been visiting me lately. Again.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know I sometimes struggle with procrastination. It’s not fun. So I do what I can to fight it. I try to get one thing done. Then another. Then another. Step by step.

I also try to remember what I did experience. I didn’t do a lot of work this weekend. But the weekend held inspiration and love.

Larry and I attended the funeral of the former mayor of our town, our Rudy Burgess that I wrote about last week. It was a sad event, of course, and also a spiritually uplifting one. As I said last week, Rudy was a person who inspires me to be better.

Larry and I spent some fun time together watching basketball. Sunday’s Virginia game was the focus, but we got interested in a couple of other games over the weekend. It’s funny how you can know nothing about the two teams playing, and yet you pick out a favorite and cheer for them like you’re a real fan.

I finished reading a good book, Mad River, by John Sandford.

And I got my pictures of the daffodils.

What did you experience this weekend?

A few, small steps

"Gold, Green, Red"

I spent part of this past weekend working on a project that I’ve been thinking about and talking about for a while but not making much progress on.

That project is my desire to start a freelance editing business.

When I pulled out the notebook I had dedicated to this project, I was appalled to see that my last notes were dated April 21 of this year.

That means that for over six months, all I’ve done is think about the project. And the thinking has been sporadic.

I want to start such a business for different reasons. I’d like to earn extra income. I’d like to eventually be completely self-employed and not dependent on an employer. I’d like to do something that fits closely with what I love doing the most.

What I love doing the most is writing. But I’m not looking to become a freelance writer, at least not in the sense of getting assignments to write articles for magazines.

I want to write about things that I’m passionate about and interested in. I’ll always do that, whether I have a traditional job or am self-employed.

That kind of writing, even if I get published, doesn’t always translate into money. And I do need to make some money.

Second to creating the words, I love editing the words of others.

I love the challenge of smoothing out writing, making it consistent in style, organization, punctuation, grammar, spelling, while keeping the writer’s voice in place.

I love the power of words and helping others find just the right ones to convey their meaning.

I love weeding through words, finding the ones that have to be cut to fit a certain word limit, again, keeping the writer’s voice the same.

When I edit, I lose track of time, become totally absorbed in the task at hand.

So why have I held back on moving forward with my business idea?

Procrastination, depression, perfectionism, fear—the same things that dog me in other areas of my life.

I think they’re all tied together. When you’re depressed, you may lack motivation to do much of anything. It just seems too exhausting and useless.

The OCD is a party to all this, too. It’s easy to fall into the trap of obsessing about not doing things perfectly, of making a mistake like not filing taxes correctly, not doing a good enough job at the work, not being able to do the work.

Even with the treatment I have received, even with the improvements I’ve experienced in both depression and OCD this year, they both still have their influences.

But can I edit? Yes. Can I do a good job? Yes. Can I provide a service to others? Yes.

I found that just taking a few, small steps helped. I did some research. Reviewed some information about starting a business in Virginia. Learned some things that made me feel better.

And I decided that the best step to take at this point was to set up an appointment with the certified public accountant that does out taxes and have a talk about the requirements for setting up a sole proprietorship in Virginia. Why worry about what I didn’t know when I had a source of information to begin with?

So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll call this week and try to set up an appointment as soon as he’s available.

And I’ll keep taking the small steps that I need to take until I am ready to start my business.

What project have you been working on lately?

The changing of the seasons, a time to change

Happy Autumn! I am so happy it’s officially the fall of the year. I love the chill in the air in the morning and in the evening, and the reduced humidity.

My husband and I went out into the yard today with our cameras, looking for signs of fall. We still have a lot of green, but there are signs that the foliage will turn soon.

And here’s a wee acorn sprouting up on an oak tree branch.

Soon enough the acorns will be raining down, providing a vast supply for our neighborhood squirrels. And sometimes leaving little dents in my car.

I feel like fall is a new beginning. Maybe it’s because I went to school for so many years, but with the fall of the year, I get a yearning to start anew, to try new things, to get organized.

Lately, I’ve been finding pieces of wisdom about using our time wisely on the Internet and elsewhere. I haven’t been purposely looking for it as much as it just seems to have shown up.

I’ve been reminded about the preciousness of time, of how we’re all given the same amount of time, how we can easily make the excuse that we don’t have time to do something that is important.

On Sunday, I went to the store and bought some lavender legal pads and purple ink pens to use for creating lists and plans to help me achieve some things I want to achieve.

Why the special paper and pens? Well, I love office and school supplies. And I wanted something pretty and special to use for something so important.

I’m starting out with lists of what I want to accomplish, from the big, life-changing things to the small ones. I’m going to gradually break things down into doable goals that will help me plan each week as it comes.

I’m not starting from scratch. I’ve done this before on the job, when I worked as a health educator. At my current job, I keep a list, or budget, of the stories I need to follow in the future, then transfer those items to weekly lists.

I know what my priorities are. I know many of the things I want to accomplish.

It’s time I applied a more organized approach to the rest of my life.

Again, I’m not starting from scratch.

But I do have a new sense of urgency to not let time slip by any longer without me using it the best I can.

I won’t be giving up on spontaneity, and I won’t panic if I don’t follow to the letter everything I write down.

But my tendency is to procrastinate. My tendency is to think instead of act. My tendency is to push things aside for later. My tendency is to drift along, with no plan.

Some of this comes from having OCD. OCD used to rule my life so much, tell me what I had to do when, that I rebelled against routine.

Some of this comes from having depression. When you’re depressed, it’s hard to see the point in planning. It’s sometimes hard to have the energy or desire to do anything beyond the basics.

But I need more routine. I need a plan. I need accomplishments.

As the leaves change, as the weather changes, so I need to change. As the leaves drop off the trees, letting go for the winter, so I need to let go of certain habits.

I’ll share more as I move forward in this journey.

How do you ensure that you get the important things done?

Nature doesn’t procrastinate

Procrastination may be a habit common to humans, but I don’t see it in the rest of nature.

Honeysuckle doesn’t wait for everything around it to be perfect before it blooms. It blooms when it’s time to bloom.

Birds move with purpose, even when it’s just around a branch to get to a better position.

The moon rises when it must.

I want to be more like the rest of nature. I need to study its ways and practice blooming, moving, rising when it’s time, even when I don’t feel ready, even when everything around me doesn’t seem perfect.

I have several projects that I’ve been thinking about for a long time, but I’ve taken little action on them.

Anxiety can be an immobilizer, but there are ways to handle anxiety and override its ways. It’s time to get serious about it.

Animals and plants don’t procrastinate. Why must I?

How do you fight procrastination?

Unmet goal: Running in the 5K

I won’t be running in a 5K on Thanksgiving Day.

Back in June, I stated publicly on this blog that I had set as a goal to run in the Giblet Jog 5K. I stated it again in August.

But I won’t be able to participate.

The reason I won’t be able to participate is quite simple: I didn’t prepare.

I allowed my procrastination to get the better of me and kept putting off starting an exercise program that would have gotten me on track to run the 5K.

I would occasionally take a walk, and I could recognize how out of shape I was, but I kept thinking, I’ll do it later. I’ll get in shape later. I still have time.

Well, the time has come. The race is in less than two weeks. And though this week I have walked three times, I have done no training in running, and my walking is full of huffs and puffs.

That’s because I’ve also gained weight over the summer.

I know it does no good to beat up on myself. But I am very disappointed in my behavior. I haven’t exercised regularly and I haven’t eaten in a healthy manner.

I’m trying to make changes in my eating habits now, and I plan to keep on walking. When I’ve lost some weight, I want to start jogging.

And maybe I can run in the Giblet Jog 5K next year. Or maybe there will be a race I can run in before then.

How do you stay on track with your exercise and eating plans? Do you have any motivational tips you could share?

Sleep

Sleep lingers all our lifetime about our eyes, as night hovers all day in the boughs of the fir-tree. Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have a love-hate relationship with sleep.

I love to sleep. Taking naps is a favorite activity. Some days, I come home from work in the early evening, take a nap for two or three hours, get up for a few hours, and go right back to bed for more sleep.

On Saturdays, I like to sleep late and then take a long afternoon-into-evening nap. On Sundays, I look forward to another afternoon nap.

I love the chance to sleep.

But I hate that I want to sleep so much. I would be accomplishing more in my life if I didn’t sleep so much.

Sleep, that deplorable curtailment of the joy of life. Virginia Woolf

I hate that I can even think that napping is a favorite activity.

My husband doesn’t like me to sleep so much. He says he’d like for us to do more together, but I nap away every weekend, every day off from work.

I wasn’t always like this. I didn’t take naps even when I was in graduate school and was exhausted all the time. I didn’t have time for them.

But sometime in my early 30s, I started to love sleep.

It’s frustrating. I make plans to do so many things, but I find myself tired and sleepy, and I give in to it.

I don’t know how much of my craving for sleep comes from the medication I take and how much from habit.

My psychiatrist and I have tried to find a balance with two medications. It’s difficult to take an amount that enables me to have the motivation to not sleep and an amount that wires me.

Am I just lazy?

A life of leisure and a life of laziness are two things. There will be sleeping enough in the grave. Benjamin Franklin

I don’t feel lazy. I have either been in school full time or worked full time my entire adult life, except for periods when I was unemployed and looking for work. I’m a hard worker on the job.

It’s when I’m off the job that I want to sleep. And I want to stop it.

I believe that it’s a combination of things that is causing my problem. Antidepressants are probably contributing, as are the medications for anxiety.

There are lifestyle changes that I need to make. I need to exercise regularly, get up at the same time every morning and have more of a routine of sleep.

But I think my problem is also connected to the OCD-related procrastination I have. If I am sleeping, I don’t have to deal with issues regarding cleaning, reading, writing, checking, etc. I don’t have to face things that I know will cause me anxiety.

I am not saying that I’m not responsible for my behavior. I am. I am just considering contributing factors.

I am hoping that I will be adding more tools to my toolbox to fight the OCD. I’ll be starting cognitive behavioral therapy a week from today. I have to get serious about making lifestyle changes. And I have to push myself more than I am now to break through the procrastination.

I’m the only one that can do it. I need to make this change in my life.

Do you have problems with too much sleep? How do you combat it?