Back in nature

I had a busy start to the weekend. I had to work Friday night into Saturday morning. (I will tell you the story behind that, but it will have to wait until this Friday.)

I got home early Saturday morning and found that though I was very tired, I couldn’t fall deeply asleep. I dozed off and on until it was time to feed Chase Bird about 6 a.m. Then I went back to bed and tried again.

Saturday passed in a blur of sleep, going out for a late lunch, reading, and more sleep.

Sunday I knew what I wanted to do. I had been eying some Queen Anne’s Lace along the street across from our house. I wanted to get some close-ups.

My camera has been sitting in its bag for much of the summer. I just haven’t felt the energy or desire to capture slivers of the world.

The Queen Anne’s Lace was my get-back-into-it bit of nature.

It felt good to use my camera to get out of my own mind for a while. And being out in nature reminds me—if I am mindful—that I am not the center of the universe.

That’s a pretty good thing to remember, don’t you think?

Getting up in the morning

The habit that I’m working on is getting up early in the morning. I like being up early. The hard part is breaking through my resistance to stay in bed just a little longer.

For much of my life, getting up early was the norm. I felt out-of-sorts if I stayed in bed very late in the morning. It was almost a moral issue for me, like I was somehow lazy if I slept in.

In trying to relax my compulsive need to get up early, I went too far the other way.

And I developed some unhealthy habits during periods of depression. It’s easier to stay in bed when you don’t feel like you have anything to get up for. When the day seems like it’s going to be one more bad day, why hurry into it? Why not delay it just a little longer?

***

The thing is, I can get up early when there’s something work related that I have to be up for. And I like being up early, when the air is fresher and the birds are singing and not many others are out and about.

Getting up early is a good habit for me. The earlier I get up, the more time I have for some of the things that I’ve been putting off: writing and exercising, for example. It’s harder for me to be active in the evenings because I’m more tired then.

I’m not talking about not getting proper rest. I’m talking about getting enough sleep but timing it so I get up before the sun is very high in the sky.

***

Sunday night, I set the alarm clock for 6 a.m. That’s the time that seemed right and doable. I’ve been aiming for it off and on for months, with no luck.

Monday morning, I woke up when the alarm, set to the local NPR station, went off.

And I made that mistake: I pushed the snooze button.

I’ve done that many a time without thinking. I’ve just automatically pushed it. But I did it intentionally this time. I thought I’d push it just once and then get up at 6:11.

I finally got up at 7:16. I was disappointed in myself. I know better than to push that snooze button for one more bit of sleep, just one more. But I had done it anyway.

On the other hand, I was up earlier than I had been in a few days. And I decided that I would take time to go on a short walk, up to the end of my street and back home. It’s just six-tenths of a mile, but it’s enough to get me moving and outside, with the air as cool as it’s going to be all day.

Monday night, I set the alarm for 7 a.m. I thought it was more probable I would get up at 7 than 6.

I’m sorry to say, I pushed the snooze button again and got up even later.

***

So I’m a work in progress. But I’m still trying.

And I’m thinking about the fact that I can get up when I have an early court case to cover or an early interview. Maybe I need to start thinking of other activities—like exercise, like my own writing, like meditation—as just as important as a work assignment.

Do you push the snooze button? If not, how do you keep yourself from doing it?

What I did during my vacation week (and boy, do I need a routine)

Today I’m returning to work after being off for a week. I had nine days in a row to do what I wanted to do, nine days to not feel like I had to stay plugged into the news, nine days of freedom.

No, I’m not ready to go back to work. But a little part of me is glad to go back only to have more of a routine. Having a routine is helpful for both my depression and my OCD.

First, the vacation week:

*I read a lot, hung out with Larry and with the cats, took naps and just generally relaxed.

*I finally transferred my music library from iTunes to my iPhone. I’ve only had my iPhone for five months.

*I had to get my driver’s license renewed, so I had to spend a little time at the DMV, but it wasn’t too bad. The new picture on the license? Larry said it looked like a mug shot, and it does. And I’m going to have to live with it for at least eight years.

*Larry took me to the bookstore and waited while I picked out a stack of books for my birthday. I was like the proverbial kid in the candy store.

*We had a nice dinner out for my birthday. While we were eating, Larry noticed what he at first thought was a pheasant out the window. Turns out it was a peacock. The waitress told us he had recently taken up there. I got a photo of him on my iPhone through the window, so it's not a great shot.

*We drove up to Leesville Lake, a nearby lake, one evening and enjoyed the peace and quiet and beauty of the water.

It was a wonderful nine days. But they didn’t include a lot of routine. Not having a routine is OK for a while, but overall I feel better if I do have one.

For example, during my time off, I stayed up late, then slept late or napped at odd hours. Getting up at different times led me to take my medicine at different times and to eat at different times.

Going back to work will help me sleep and eat more regularly.

Staying busy with work also helps my depression and OCD by keeping my mind on other things. I don’t have as much down time, so I don’t have as much time to mull over things that might cause anxiety.

With all of that said, my routine still needs help. I’d like to have a routine that suits me even when I’m not working.

I’d like to get up earlier in the morning. I’d like to write on more of a regular schedule. I’d like to have time set aside each day for meditation and reflection. I’d like to have less empty time where I can’t decide what to do. I’d like to live with a more peaceful rhythm.

It’s hard work to change one’s routine. I know that from experience.

So I’m asking you, dear reader, to please offer me and other readers some tips and advice. How important is a routine to you? Does your life have a rhythm? How do you manage your schedule? How do you make yourself get up early in the morning?

Sleep

Sleep lingers all our lifetime about our eyes, as night hovers all day in the boughs of the fir-tree. Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have a love-hate relationship with sleep.

I love to sleep. Taking naps is a favorite activity. Some days, I come home from work in the early evening, take a nap for two or three hours, get up for a few hours, and go right back to bed for more sleep.

On Saturdays, I like to sleep late and then take a long afternoon-into-evening nap. On Sundays, I look forward to another afternoon nap.

I love the chance to sleep.

But I hate that I want to sleep so much. I would be accomplishing more in my life if I didn’t sleep so much.

Sleep, that deplorable curtailment of the joy of life. Virginia Woolf

I hate that I can even think that napping is a favorite activity.

My husband doesn’t like me to sleep so much. He says he’d like for us to do more together, but I nap away every weekend, every day off from work.

I wasn’t always like this. I didn’t take naps even when I was in graduate school and was exhausted all the time. I didn’t have time for them.

But sometime in my early 30s, I started to love sleep.

It’s frustrating. I make plans to do so many things, but I find myself tired and sleepy, and I give in to it.

I don’t know how much of my craving for sleep comes from the medication I take and how much from habit.

My psychiatrist and I have tried to find a balance with two medications. It’s difficult to take an amount that enables me to have the motivation to not sleep and an amount that wires me.

Am I just lazy?

A life of leisure and a life of laziness are two things. There will be sleeping enough in the grave. Benjamin Franklin

I don’t feel lazy. I have either been in school full time or worked full time my entire adult life, except for periods when I was unemployed and looking for work. I’m a hard worker on the job.

It’s when I’m off the job that I want to sleep. And I want to stop it.

I believe that it’s a combination of things that is causing my problem. Antidepressants are probably contributing, as are the medications for anxiety.

There are lifestyle changes that I need to make. I need to exercise regularly, get up at the same time every morning and have more of a routine of sleep.

But I think my problem is also connected to the OCD-related procrastination I have. If I am sleeping, I don’t have to deal with issues regarding cleaning, reading, writing, checking, etc. I don’t have to face things that I know will cause me anxiety.

I am not saying that I’m not responsible for my behavior. I am. I am just considering contributing factors.

I am hoping that I will be adding more tools to my toolbox to fight the OCD. I’ll be starting cognitive behavioral therapy a week from today. I have to get serious about making lifestyle changes. And I have to push myself more than I am now to break through the procrastination.

I’m the only one that can do it. I need to make this change in my life.

Do you have problems with too much sleep? How do you combat it?