Plucky Abbey

Abbey, the tiny girl we adopted from the county shelter in April, has been a wonderful addition to our family.

You may remember when I was still blogging in May that Abbey seemed to have some health issues. The vet would not spay her because she was anemic and her white cell count was also low.

I don’t know how many times they took her blood from May through July. They tested it there in their office and sent it to an outside lab for testing. She kept showing up anemic. The vet believed that she probably had cancer or perhaps a genetic problem.

All the while, Abbey was racing around the house, jumping, playing. Bright eyed.

I was convinced, as was Larry, as was the vet, that something was probably seriously wrong with her. But all the tests the vet ran came back negative for problems. So the vet referred us to the small animal hospital at the veterinary school at Virginia Tech for a bone marrow aspirate. We would get a definite answer from that, she said.

We took her there on July 21. The vet/professor and students that examined her were puzzled.

“That’s a healthy cat,” the vet/professor said.

Before doing the bone marrow test, they said they wanted to test her blood first. I was sure they would find the anemia. I had no reason to believe they wouldn’t.

They took her back for the procedures, and Larry and I wandered into Blacksburg to tool around and eat. It was going to be a long day.

As we were finishing up our lunch, my cell phone rang. The vet school said Abbey was ready to be picked up. That she was fine.

When we got back to the hospital, they told us that Abbey’s red cell count was well within normal limits. She was not anemic. Her white cell count was low, but the vet/professor said he was not worried about that in a cat so young.

Larry and I were practically speechless. We expected to hear many things that day, but not that our Abbey was healthy.

We asked how she could have shown up anemic over and over. They said that they took her blood directly from her into the lab. They hypothesized that the sedation she was sometimes under at the local vet’s may have skewed the results. Or not enough blood was taken and the results were skewed by the substance that preventing clotting in the tube. So even the outside lab showed skewed results.

It took us a while to process that Abbey was OK. We were overjoyed. Abbey had her spay in August and has gained weight. She’s still an active little girl.

And yes, we have questioned the wisdom of staying with the same local vet. The anemia issue plus some other things with her and Chase Bird have led us to the decision that we’re probably going to be finding another vet.

Right now, Abbey is going through a hard time because of Chase Bird. She’s eating and running around, but she’s also lying around more and is quieter, less playful. She also looks for Chase Bird. That breaks my heart.

But Abbey is a plucky little soul. We look forward to many years of her companionship.

See you Monday!

Facing fear

I can’t help but be glad that January is over. I spent a good part of it sick with various ailments and took three different antibiotics trying to get over everything.

The good news is that February started out wonderfully: I faced a fear.

You know that I love animals, especially cats. Over the years I have become more passionate about animal welfare, especially with companion animals like cats and dogs. I have read a lot and thought a lot and talked a lot and written a lot. I have taken care of four different cats. But I didn’t believe I was doing enough.

I have talked about volunteering with the local shelter, but I haven’t done anything about it besides inquiring about opportunities by email.

The Campbell County shelter. It's a dreary looking building. The county government is discussing whether to renovate or build a new facility.

In Campbell County, the Animal Control Care Center is separate from the humane society that operates in the county. Animal Control has to accept every animal brought to it—stray or surrendered by owner. And it is not a no-kill shelter.

Some caring people formed a group called Friends of Campbell County Control. The mission of the group “is to provide support for the animals of Campbell County and reduce the euthanasia rate.”

I follow the group on Facebook and have been so impressed at the all-volunteer efforts to care for animals and try to get them fostered or adopted.

Fern, one of the cats in the shelter. 

I never moved forward with my efforts to volunteer because I was afraid.

One of these fears is an OCD fear: fear of responsibility, that I would hurt an animal because I would shirk in my responsibilities and do something wrong. I would obsess over safety and health issues and compulsively do unnecessary things to try to make my anxiety go away.

My thought process was that if I avoided responsibility, I wouldn’t have the obsessions.

Adopting Waddles helped me a lot with this fear. But taking care of more animals, more than we ever had in our house, raised the fears again.

Honey Bee loved being held and cuddled. She wanted me to continue paying attention to her.

And I was afraid because of my anxiety. I tend to take the suffering of others to heart, sometimes to the degree that I get very emotional. I was afraid of what I would see and experience in the shelter. I was afraid of how I would feel when I had to leave the homeless animals behind when I went to my own home.

I used to put much more value on my feelings about something than I should have. That’s an OCD problem, too. If I feel like something is wrong, then something must be wrong and I better check it, fix it, repeat it, or avoid it.

Turbo has a loud purr when he's held.

But the more I spend in the quiet, thinking and writing about my values and beliefs, the better I understand that fear is a natural response to doing something different. I have to push through such fears and the accompanying feelings and at least give things a chance.

Kittens surrendered to the shelter by the owner. The yellow ones are boys and the black ones are girls. It's hard to get a still photo of a moving kitten!

This boy is new to the shelter and doesn't have a name yet. He seemed frightened. But when I opened the cage and talked to him and rubbed him, he started purring and rolling around.

This past Friday night, I sent the Friends a message on Facebook asking about the next orientation date. They wrote back that it was on Sunday. I told them I planned to attend.

I was excited and afraid. Believe me, I thought of excuses not to go. I didn’t feel 100 percent physically. I felt guilty leaving Chase Bird to go help care for other animals.

But I got in the car and drove to the shelter. I exposed myself to my fear.

When I left 90 minutes later, I felt joy and contentment.

I will be spending most of my time with the cats, which I was told was good because most volunteers want to walk the dogs.

I loved on the animals and talked to them and helped with some simple assessments on whether certain cats were OK with dogs and/or other cats.

Barbe, the leader of the volunteers, knew I was thinking of getting another cat, and she insisted on taking a photo of me and Bastet, a lovely tortoise kitty. Then she texted the photo to Larry.

Me and Bastet. She is in a purple cage in the waiting area, acting as "greeter" to visitors.

No, we’ve not made a decision to adopt yet. But I plan to go back soon and whenever I can to volunteer and love on those cats and let them know that humans can be kind to them.

What a great day it was!

I am still waiting on word about the job. The person in charge of hiring was out of town three days last week but told me he would be in touch with me this week. So I wait. Thank you for your good wishes!

What has been your favorite volunteer activity?

Deer in the road

Fall colors: red leaves and blue sky.

It’s that time of year again when driving, especially at night, makes me a little nervous because of concern over deer in the road.

Deer are plentiful in our area year-round. They often visit our yard, and we see them in other places in the neighborhood. We enjoy their presence.

 

This is a poor photograph, but it's one I took through the window at night in September. The deer set off the motion lights in the yard. If I open the door to go out and try for a better photo, they run.

But the big fear is that we’ll hit one while driving.

According to the Virginia DMV, most deer-related accidents in Virginia occur in the fall months, October through December.

I was part of those statistics five years ago, in December 2009.

I was driving back to Altavista from Forest, which is in Bedford County, a neighboring county. The back roads I took were curvy and sometimes narrow, but the route cut miles off the trip and provided lovely views.

It was about 10:30 in the morning. I had seen a deer standing in a yard as I passed, so I had a fresh reminder of their presence. I was just tooling along, under the speed limit. I wasn’t listening to the radio. I wasn’t eating. I was just driving.

And it still happened.

My car hit something as I came around a curve. I saw a deer flashing away from my car. The hood of my car was crumpled.

I was shocked, but I managed to find a place to pull over. A kind couple turned their pickup around and came to check on me. We looked at my car. Deer hair covered the hood. Everything in the front seemed pushed towards the front seats. It was a mess.

The couple stayed with me until the state trooper arrived. Then Larry arrived.

He said as he walked up to my car, the trooper turned to him and said, “She’s all right. But I think she’s more upset about the deer than the car.”

“That would be right,” Larry said to him.

And I was upset. I felt terrible that I had hit the deer. Apparently it had jumped a fence and then tried to clear the road. The trooper speculated that hunters were out with dogs, running the deer.

I was lucky. I wasn’t hurt and my car, though heavily damaged, wasn’t totaled. I was especially nervous driving for a while, but that settled down.

What I kept thinking was, I did everything I could to avoid an accident. I wasn’t speeding. I wasn’t distracted. And I still hit a deer.

That notion that we can do everything “right” and still have trouble is sobering, and not an easy one to accept when you have an uneasy relationship with uncertainty, as I do.

After the crash, my boss gave me some little whistle-like gadgets to put on the front fender. They are supposed to help prevent deer from running out in front of your car. I don’t know if they actually work, but I was willing to try them, and they’re still on my car.

And that idea that bad things can happen anytime? I have to accept it. I have to get used to it. All I can do is my best to drive carefully. That’s all any of us can do.

Do you see wildlife near the highways where you live?

The ride along and thoughts on anxiety

Two weeks ago, on a Friday night into Saturday morning, I went on a ride along with a sheriff’s deputy.

One of my beats for the newspaper is the sheriff’s office. I have been covering the office for nearly five years, but I had never done what many reporters have done through the years—go out on patrol with a deputy.

I was excited about learning more about what happens behind the scene. I was a little nervous, too.

I had to sign a waiver form before the ride. I thought the form said I couldn’t get out of the car.

So I was pleased when we made our first call and the deputy asked me, “You coming with me?” She said in her experience, people riding along usually came along for the whole experience.

I knew before I ever went on the ride along that I probably don’t have the temperament to be in law enforcement. (Not that I ever seriously contemplated it. But I have always been interested in what the police and detectives do in their jobs.)

It seems to me that you have to be able to deal with a lot of uncertainty on the job. You never know what a call is really going to involve until you arrive on the scene. You never know when a shot of adrenaline is going to strike to get you through a situation.

So before the ride, I hoped I wouldn’t panic or get in the way if anything happened during the night.

And I didn’t panic. I didn’t feel especially anxious or worried. I enjoyed talking with the deputy and observing what happened.

One time I felt a shot of fear, but I remained quiet. The only change I noticed in myself was that I became more alert.

I still don’t think I was made for law enforcement. The constant state of readiness would wear me down, I think.

However, I did learn a bit more about my anxiety.

It was interesting to me that though I have a lot of anxiety, most of it centers on my thoughts and my perceptions, not on things that are actually happening in the present moment. It’s a different anxiety from what I feel in real-life situations that might be turn out to be the least bit dicey.

That realization made me more aware that the anxiety I feel on a daily basis can be helped by remembering that my thoughts are just thoughts. They don’t necessarily reflect reality.

If you’d like to read my story about the ride along and see photos, you can go HERE.

Is there a type of work that you’d like to explore more, even though you know it’s probably not work you’d ever do?

Focusing on the emotions that are

I am afraid of snakes. Very afraid. I’m so afraid of them, I have a hard time looking at pictures of them. I feel anxious just hearing other peoples’ stories about encountering them.

Larry has found about five snake skins in the yard this summer. For a few days after he finds them, I move carefully when I go outside. I examine every stick from afar before I venture into the yard.

When he saw a live snake in the side yard near his truck, I could barely listen to his story. I thought about it later, feeling anxious and worried. I wished for winter.

So why am I including with this post a photo of a snake skin?

I made myself take the picture. Though I felt fear, I made myself walk up to the skin. I held up my phone and took several photos. I made myself look at the photos.

I’m not sure if this “exposure” did much good. When I was flipping through the photos on my phone earlier this week, I shuddered—I did that “jump out of my skin” move—when I unexpectedly saw one of the snake skin photos.

But still, I keep looking at the photo. And I’m sharing it with you.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety over life issues in a similar way. Life has been hard lately, as you know. Bedtime is probably the hardest time because I have less to distract me.

I decided that I would try an experiment. Instead of trying to immediately change my thoughts or cover up the bad emotions with visualizations or calming recitations, I would focus on experiencing the anxiety.

I feel the anxiety the most in my chest. It’s like a weight in the center of my chest. When panic comes, my chest physically hurts.

I have focused on the hate I’ve felt, too. I’m not proud to say that, but that’s what I’ve felt at times. It, too, is a heavy weight.

Anxiety, hate, anger, hopelessness—they all settle in my chest. I feel like it’s going to burst.

I want to get up and move or talk or read or listen to music.

But I try to lie there and be mindful of how I’m feeling, even for just a short while.

My hope is that the more I face my emotions, the less afraid I’ll be of them and the less I will do to avoid facing the issues that are causing the emotions in the first place.

My focus on emotions is not a new idea. There is a lot of good information out there about living mindfully and accepting our emotions. I did an online search and found some good, science-based information HERE and HERE.

One good thing that has come out of my experimentation with this is that I’ve become less afraid of being still and alone with my thoughts and emotions. I hope this leads to more calmness and peace.

And the snake skin photo? I hope from now on the only snake skin I see will be in a picture. That’s about as far as I want to go with that exposure.

How do you deal with uncomfortable emotions?

Look at what you’ve got

A memoir in the making.

I haven’t been doing a lot of my “own” writing lately. Most of the writing I’ve done is for the newspaper.

But the pull has been there once again to work on my memoir.

I knew I had various documents in my computer files, scattered here and there between two big folders. But I had the sense that I really hadn’t done that much work on it. And where to begin?

So I looked at what I’ve got.

I went through the files and printed out things I’ve written, mostly over the past two years. I was amazed at what I found. I didn’t remember doing so much writing.

I had about 30 files with over 32,000 words written. If you look at it in terms of pages, with the standard page holding 250 words, that’s 131 pages.

It’s a draft, mind you, so I’m nowhere near finished. But it’s a good start. And it gave me a great sense of satisfaction.

Sometimes we get stuck in our thinking.

We think we’ve not accomplished enough. We think we’ve failed because we haven’t done enough. We think we’ll never start a project, much less finish it.

This can be especially true if we’re struggling with anxiety, depression, OCD, or another issue that sometimes distorts our thinking and makes us afraid.

It may help to sometimes take the time to look at what we’ve got, what we’ve done, what we’ve created, what we’ve accomplished, and feel good about it.

Pull out the creations, print out the words or photos, make a list of our accomplishments, talk with a good friend who knows what we do. Enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.

Then get back to work, of course.

Please share in the comments something that you have accomplished recently, no matter how small it may seem to you. 

CNN interview: OCD and religion

Nearly two weeks ago, Elizabeth Landau, a writer and producer for CNN's website, contacted me about an article she was writing about scrupulosity. She had found me via this blog.

She interviewed me by phone about my experiences with religious scrupulosity. I talked to her about the ways my fears of sin affected me, especially as a teenager and young adult.

Landau’s article was published today. You can read it HERE. It’s informative and paints a good picture about how this form of OCD can affect people of any religion or no religion. And it gives hope for those who suffer with this form of OCD, including a section on the use of exposure therapy.

If you do read the article, I ask that you share it on other social media such as Facebook or Twitter, or send links to friends who might benefit. Or you can share this blog post in the same way.

It is my hope that this article will help spread the word and help people feel less alone.

Some background

I went to an evangelical Christian school for high school, and the calls to be “saved” were traumatic for me because I could never be sure if I had said the prayer “right,” or if my heart was “right” with God.

I believed that I had to say all my prayers perfectly or harm would come to my family and it would be my fault. I prayed silently, incessantly, repeating myself over and over. If I made a mistake in my ritual, I had to start over.

I turned away from any hint of God or religion for years because of my experiences with scrupulosity.

I’m in a much better place now, living better with the uncertainty of faith, believing that there are many paths to God for people to choose from, or not.

You can read more about my religious OCD on this blog HERE, HERE, and HERE.

The second wave

The trees in our neighborhood are leafing out in various shades of green.

I’ve spent the last several days working on what I’m calling the “second wave” of my freelance editing business.

Previously, I did the legal things I needed to do to start the business, created a website, and did some assignments.

But I wasn’t satisfied. And I knew I had to do more marketing.

So I revamped my website and started a blog on the website. I plan to post once a week there.

The first blog post is up now: “Why another set of eyes can be so important to your writing.”

I’ve still got lots to do to get the word out about my services. But I’m enjoying the process. It’s both frightening and fun to be the one who makes the business decisions. I have the satisfaction of knowing that something I once feared so much is now a reality.

We really can overcome fear.

If you’d like to check out my website, you can go HERE and click on "Blog."

I liked how the sun caught the tops of the trees.

I didn’t get outside as much as I would have liked over the weekend, but I did get some photos on a walk Sunday morning. I’ve shared some of those photos in this post.

I don't know the proper name for them, but the oak trees are full of these pollen pods.

Larry blew them off the driveway Friday, but they were back on Sunday.

Our cars are covered with tree pollen. Just a sign of spring.

This week will be very busy at my newspaper job, but I’m hoping to make time every day to get outside and record some of this spring beauty. I already missed getting photos of the red bud—I don’t want to miss anything else.

What have you done lately to overcome a fear—no matter how small it seemed?

OCD victory: My hands in dirt

 

 

This spring I’ve written about the joy that I’ve gotten from my foray into vegetable gardening.

My joy goes beyond my pleasure in watching things grow and the solace it brings my soul to dig in the dirt and interact with nature.

My gardening is also a sign of a victory over OCD.

 One of the ways my OCD has manifested itself is through contamination fears. Basically, I feared germs because of the possibility of spreading them to others and making them ill.

One of the ways I dealt with my obsessions over germs was to wash my hands compulsively. I’ve written about how red and raw my hands and wrists became because I washed them over and over in hot water and soap.

Another way I dealt with my fears over germs was to avoid situations and activities where I was sure to get my hands dirty. Like putting my hands in dirt, on purpose.

 
  Over the years, I have experienced many victories over contamination fears. When I first started treatment for OCD and depression, I was able to start having houseplants. And I’ve had flower gardens sporadically through the years.

 But this is my first full gardening experience.

It feels good to know that OCD is not stopping me from doing something that I enjoy.

The journey to overcome my contamination obsessions and compulsions has not been short or easy. I’ve taken medication that has side effects and costs money that I would love spend elsewhere. I’ve taken therapy. I’ve read books and put new ways of thinking and reacting into practice.

 I’m not saying that I am no longer affected by my OCD. Each day brings its challenges, some big, some small. But I can more easily deal with the challenges, more easily turn back to what I was doing before the OCD interfered.

 If you have OCD, I encourage you to get treatment, to do the things—and it will probably be a variety of things—that will enable you to overcome the stifling effects of OCD.

 And for all of us who struggle with issues—maybe issues that no one knows about—let’s hold hope and do the work that we need to do to remember the joy that can be a part of any life.

 It’s been worth every penny and every struggle to stand in front of my garden and look at those lovely little plants beginning their own journey.

 What are you now enjoying in life that once seemed out of reach?

A scare, and maybe a wake-up call

A favorite picture of Larry.

Long story short, all is well.

Yesterday started out just another Tuesday. Layout day at the paper. A busy day, a long day, but a normal Tuesday.

When Larry called me a little before noon, I thought he was calling me to see if I was ready for lunch.

“You doing OK?” I asked, without even thinking about it.

“Well, I don’t know,” he said.

“What’s wrong?”

“I know it’s your busy day at work, but I think I need you to take me to the doctor,” he said.

He had been to the Y, walking on the track. He planned to walk for 45 minutes. During minute 44, he felt what he described as a “thump” around his heart, got dizzy and felt like he was going to pass out.

He was able to lean up against the wall, then sat down for a while before going home. He thought maybe he needed to see a doctor.

I rushed home.

A little background. Larry has had several episodes over the last few months where he felt weak and dizzy. Sometimes he felt pressure in his chest, but he thought it was his hiatal hernia and heartburn. He wouldn’t go see the doctor.

I knew that if he was asking me to take him to the doctor, he thought something was wrong. Which meant, to me, that something really might be wrong.

I insisted on taking him to the emergency room. There was no need to take the time to go see the doctor, I said.

Larry wouldn’t let me call EMS. And he didn’t want me to speed. Regardless of how fast I drove, though, I felt like the car was moving in slow motion.

I got him to Lynchburg General Hospital in Lynchburg, and they took him right back. They immediately hooked him up to a heart monitor and did an EKG, then blood work. Then, because he had been exercising when the episode happened, they had him do a stress test.

Everything came back normal.

They don’t know what the “thump” was. But his heart looks good.

On the way home, Larry said, “Well, I guess I shouldn’t have called you.”

“I’m glad you called me,” I said.

It’s much better to have something checked out and be nothing than to take a chance, I said.

I think Larry was most upset because he couldn’t go as long on the treadmill during the stress test as he thought he should have. He was out of shape.

But they put it on an incline, and the technician warned him ahead of time that it would be hard. They needed to get his heart rate up.

I told him that it was perhaps a good kind of wake-up call. He hadn’t been to the Y for a few months. He needed to exercise more for his health.

Larry is doing fine now. He’s watching one of his favorite TV shows, “Justified,” right now. Chase Bird sits on his lap, then jumps down and walks around, then jumps back up.

And me? I’m incredibly grateful for good test results.

Have you had any wake-up calls lately?

Open for business

Tina F. Barbour Editing Services LLC is open for business.

I decided in 2013 to explore starting my own freelance editing business. It took a lot of research and preparation before I was ready to say, I’m going to do it.

I started with lists of things to consider. In a notebook I bought for the planning, I made my first list on April 21, 2013. I didn’t make my next one until November 3, 2013.

Why the delay?

Probably fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure.

This past fall, the desire to edit for others and to own my own business outweighed the fear, and I started making lists with more purpose.

Discuss structure/taxes with CPA. Check.

Settle on name of business. Check.

Discuss structure with attorney. Check.

Write a business plan. Check.

Decide what services to offer. Check.

Begin stocking my reference library. Check.

The only real headache in all this was when I applied for a business license from my town. I learned that I first had to register my business name with the county circuit court.

I went to the court. They weren’t sure if I had to register and sent me to the commissioner of revenue. They said, yes, I had to register, assisted me with the paperwork, and sent me back to the circuit court.

Then it was back to town hall for the business license.

But all is in order now.

A second headache is developing a business website, which I’m still in the process of doing. I hope to have that up and running very soon.

In the meantime, here are the services that I will offer:

I provide editing and proofreading services to writers working on a variety of manuscripts and copy, including blog posts, other Web works, nonfiction books, nonfiction periodical articles, essays, business writing (articles, Web copy, and newsletters), medical and scientific articles/copy for the lay person, and government agency copy.

I provide the following types of copyediting:

Mechanical editing: Reviewing and making corrections in consistent use of style, capitalization, spelling, use of hyphens, abbreviations, punctuation, numbers, grammar, syntax, word choice, consistent use of names, and consistent use of documentation.

Substantive editing: Includes mechanical editing. Also includes reviewing and suggesting changes in structure, organization of content, paragraphing, clarity of the content, audience consideration, and obvious factual errors.

I also provide proofreading services:

Proofreading: The last phase of editing a manuscript. Usually done by comparing proofs with last edited copy, reviewing for and correcting typographical errors, spacing, inaccurate punctuation marks, consistency in font and point size, page numbers, missing words, accurate hyperlinks, and accurate indexes.

I’m excited about this new adventure! If you have any questions about my services, please contact me through this website or by emailing TinaFBarbourEditing(at)gmail(dot)com.

Have you ever had your own business? If you could have any kind of business, what would it be?

Adventure

I’ll tell you about the boots in a minute. But first . . .

My word for 2014 is adventure.

This is the word that will guide me throughout the year, much as the phrase “letting go” was my guide in 2013.

I wanted the word for 2014 to come to me in a natural way, so I didn’t make lists of words or sit and think about it. I just kind of mulled it over as I did other things.

And as I was doing some housework within the last month or so, the word “adventure” popped into my head.

At first it didn’t seem right. It didn’t seem very Tina. It didn’t seem serious enough to provide me with a plan and goals for the New Year.

Some of the definitions of adventure in The American Heritage Dictionary didn’t help: “An undertaking or enterprise of a hazardous nature. An undertaking of a questionable nature, especially one involving intervention in another state’s affairs.”

But there were also these definitions: As a noun, adventure can mean “An unusual or exciting experience.” As a verb, it can mean “To venture upon; undertake or try.”

When I think of this word, I think of accepting each day I have as a gift, something to be enjoyed, not something to get through.

I think of taking chances, yes, of doing things that I need to do despite my fears. To serve others, to live my purpose, to live with joy despite OCD, despite anxiety, despite depression.

A D V E N T U R E

One way 2014 is already shaping up to be adventurous is that I am starting my editing business. Tina F. Barbour Editing Services LLC was born earlier this month and will be open for business soon.

This dream of mine to have my own business was a long time coming. I can read about something and think about something all day long, but take action? Well, there are all those fears. What if I fail? What if everyone thinks I’m stupid?

I got past those fears and did what I needed to do to create the business and prepare for the work. I’m still finishing up the details, but it’s all coming together.

Oh, and did I mention that I’m enjoying myself? That I love doing this?

A D V E N T U R E

For the first time in my life, I am in a place where I can even consider life as an adventure. During the past couple of years, I’ve let go of a lot of junk that was weighing me down. I got healthier mentally and emotionally. I gained a lot of tools in how to handle life with love and hope rather than fear. I have a much better relationship with my thoughts, which used to torture me.

I’m not happy all the time, but I have a contentment and joy that I’ve yearned for. I don’t take it for granted. I want to nurture it. I want to become a better person. I want to serve more.

And it’s going to be an adventure.

Now to explain why I have a photo of boots at the top of this post: I asked for boots for Christmas. I tried on several pair like I thought I wanted: plain, sturdy looking boots. Nothing seemed quite right.

Larry walked around the store and found another section of boots. They didn’t look like my type. But I tried on one. It felt comfortable. It supported my foot where I needed support. So I tried on the other one. I walked around the store. And I chose them.

I never thought I’d wear boots like this. The practical side of me loves the comfort. And the fun side of me that often gets pushed aside loves the style.

They’ll take me on lots of adventures, don’t you think?

Tomorrow I’ll talk about another way I’m approaching 2014.

Do you make resolutions for the New Year? Do you ever choose a word or theme to guide you?

A few, small steps

"Gold, Green, Red"

I spent part of this past weekend working on a project that I’ve been thinking about and talking about for a while but not making much progress on.

That project is my desire to start a freelance editing business.

When I pulled out the notebook I had dedicated to this project, I was appalled to see that my last notes were dated April 21 of this year.

That means that for over six months, all I’ve done is think about the project. And the thinking has been sporadic.

I want to start such a business for different reasons. I’d like to earn extra income. I’d like to eventually be completely self-employed and not dependent on an employer. I’d like to do something that fits closely with what I love doing the most.

What I love doing the most is writing. But I’m not looking to become a freelance writer, at least not in the sense of getting assignments to write articles for magazines.

I want to write about things that I’m passionate about and interested in. I’ll always do that, whether I have a traditional job or am self-employed.

That kind of writing, even if I get published, doesn’t always translate into money. And I do need to make some money.

Second to creating the words, I love editing the words of others.

I love the challenge of smoothing out writing, making it consistent in style, organization, punctuation, grammar, spelling, while keeping the writer’s voice in place.

I love the power of words and helping others find just the right ones to convey their meaning.

I love weeding through words, finding the ones that have to be cut to fit a certain word limit, again, keeping the writer’s voice the same.

When I edit, I lose track of time, become totally absorbed in the task at hand.

So why have I held back on moving forward with my business idea?

Procrastination, depression, perfectionism, fear—the same things that dog me in other areas of my life.

I think they’re all tied together. When you’re depressed, you may lack motivation to do much of anything. It just seems too exhausting and useless.

The OCD is a party to all this, too. It’s easy to fall into the trap of obsessing about not doing things perfectly, of making a mistake like not filing taxes correctly, not doing a good enough job at the work, not being able to do the work.

Even with the treatment I have received, even with the improvements I’ve experienced in both depression and OCD this year, they both still have their influences.

But can I edit? Yes. Can I do a good job? Yes. Can I provide a service to others? Yes.

I found that just taking a few, small steps helped. I did some research. Reviewed some information about starting a business in Virginia. Learned some things that made me feel better.

And I decided that the best step to take at this point was to set up an appointment with the certified public accountant that does out taxes and have a talk about the requirements for setting up a sole proprietorship in Virginia. Why worry about what I didn’t know when I had a source of information to begin with?

So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll call this week and try to set up an appointment as soon as he’s available.

And I’ll keep taking the small steps that I need to take until I am ready to start my business.

What project have you been working on lately?