The news and the no-news

Slower than molasses in winter. That’s what I’ve spent the last two months thinking.

What’s moving so slow? The job search process. Or rather, the hiring process.

On Monday when I posted, I believed that I would have news to tell you about a new job. I don’t. So here’s the news about my job search and the way I keep getting—no news.

I applied for a job in early January. I can’t give any details about the job yet. But I can say that I believe I would enjoy the work. Compared to my current job, I would work fewer hours but make significantly more in salary.

That sounds too good to be true. But it is a legit job. It would be a way to be a public servant again, something I’ve missed.

It has been a laborious process. I interviewed. Then I interviewed again. Then I met with two more people as a courtesy. Then I waited while an unexpected crisis hit the employer. I was praised for the patience I had shown.

Then, finally, with only one more step—a step that was more courteous in nature for another group than anything else—I was told that I would receive a formal offer Wednesday.

The courteous step turned into a quagmire. Now I’ve got two more weeks to wait.

Why am I willing to go through all this? Believe me, I’ve asked myself that question. I’ve been very frustrated. I’ve made plans, then had to undo plans. As most hiring processes go, it’s ridiculous.

But I am excited about the job. I want a new challenge. I can use more of my skills. I know the people I would be working for and with. I believe it would be a good fit.

I enjoy my job now. But one side effect of writing news articles for a living is that it’s harder for me to have the right kind of energy for doing the writing I love.

And I’ve been told—and I believe—that the slower-than-molasses-in-winter process isn’t about me. It’s about things out of my control.

And there lies my frustration. I can’t do anything about the process. I can’t hurry it up.

Situations like this raise my anxiety level. I’m tired. I have headaches. I’m restless. My thoughts race.

I haven’t done a good job handling the anxiety. I’ve been putting off dealing with it, telling myself that I would relax and do fun things after things are settled.

That’s not the best way to handle anxiety, and I know that. I am now trying to focus on the present. I remind myself that there will never really be a time when, in every area of my life, “things are settled” because each day brings us problems and frustrations. If I don’t practice my anxiety-reducing measures now, I will miss out on life now.

Meditation. Knitting. Pleasure reading. Lounging with Chase Bird. Laughing with Larry. Going for walks. All things I will be fitting back into my schedule.

And when this part of my life settles down, I will tell you all about the new job.

Have you ever had a strange or particularly stressful experience job hunting?

Down and Back: Adapting to Change

The leaves are starting to pile up in the yard.

Down and back. Shoulders down and back.

That has been almost a mantra for me over the past few weeks. Ever since I started physical therapy on Oct. 3, therapists have reminded me many times to make sure my shoulders are down—not up around my ears—and back—not slumped forward.

Because I do tend to slump. My posture is horrible. Years of hunching over first paper and pen, then typewriters, then a word processor, then computers have instilled in me a slumped over posture.

Even now, as I write this, I have to remind myself over and over to sit up straight.

One of my therapists, Kyle, explained that when I lift up my right shoulder, whether it’s to pick up something, reach for something, or indulging in bad posture, I’m “grinding” those nerves that are irritated.

“When you feel pain, check to see what position your shoulder is in,” he told me once.

He recommended finding a cue to remind myself to keep the shoulders down and back. So far, I realize pretty quickly when I’m slumping forward or holding my shoulders up around my ears. But I would like to think of an actual cue.

Physical therapy has been a positive experience for me. I still have pain, but I am feeling stronger. And Kyle, plus Darius and Katie, are teaching me ways to adapt so I’m not putting pressure on nerves.

For example, during last Thursday’s session, I was having a lot of pain when I lifted up both arms to do an exercise with a stretch band. That pain had gotten better, but it seemed to have flared up again.

I can easily tell now what muscle soreness from exercise is and what the original nerve pain is.

Katie and Kyle were ready to find another way for me to strengthen the muscles without pain. It involved lying face down on a table and lifting my arm from that position. Gravity wasn’t pulling on my shoulder, so no pain.

I’ve been working on making adjustments in other areas of my life, too. When the pain was at its worst, it was very hard to use the computer—to move the mouse around, to hold my arms up to type.

Not using a computer was not an option for me. I write and edit for a living. I write and edit because I love doing those things.

The written word is like my breath.

So I am adapting. At home, I placed a firm pillow in my desk chair to lift myself up so I didn’t have to do any lifting of the shoulder to work.

I’m still working on my desk environment at the newspaper office. I originally had the mouse and its pad almost an arm’s length away from me so I could use the space right in front of me to place notebooks, reports, etc. Reaching for the mouse and moving it hurt. I found that moving the mouse pad closer to me helped a great deal.

In my daily life, I’ve learned that it’s OK to place my drinking glass on the left side of my plate so I can lift it with my left hand. I’ve learned that I can throw things pretty well with my left hand when I’m playing with Chase Bird. (He likes to smack rolled up pieces of paper or little play mice. It’s like playing volleyball with him.)

Chase Bird enjoying the sunshine on the enclosed porch.

A doctor told me years ago that I would have to adapt my life to having depression. I learned what helps me with the depression, and with OCD, and what doesn’t.

I’m learning that it works with my physical health, too. I can find ways to do the things I want to do. I just have to adapt.

And keep my shoulders down and back.

Have you ever had to adapt the way you did an activity? What would be a good cue to remind me to place my shoulders in a better position? I appreciate your input!

Therapy for the physical, too

I spent a large part of this past summer concentrating on my mental health. Lately, I’ve had to start paying more attention to my physical health.

I’ve had some physical pain for a number of weeks. It started in my right arm, between my shoulder and elbow. I figured I was sleeping too much on that side. I’ve had pain in that spot before, and it went away on its own. Why wouldn’t it just go away again?

It just got worse. It hurt to lift my glass off the table to take a drink. It hurt if I lifted it for anything.

But still . . . why wouldn’t it just go away on its own?

The pain spread to my shoulder and down my arm. My hand felt numb sometimes. The pain made me want to grit my teeth.

I finally went to see my orthopedic doctor last week. I suspected I had bursitis or tendonitis in my shoulder.

The doctor said I had a pinched nerve in my neck caused by osteoarthritis. There’s a vertebrae out of place and some degeneration in the bone.

He wrote out a list: medication, physical therapy, epidurals, surgery. We’ll start with the medication—anti-inflammatory—and the physical therapy and hope that takes care of the pain, he said.

I plan on it working, I told him. I don’t want to have surgery.

I admit, this threw me for a loop. This wasn’t something I could get a shot for and be all better. This would probably be an ongoing challenge.

I even wept a little on the drive back home.

But I rallied and went to my first physical therapy session on Friday. The physical therapist said that even though “there’s a lot going on in there” (my neck), I was getting treated early, which would help.

And then he said something that set me straight.

“We have people come in there who can’t walk,” he said. “Three weeks later, they’re walking just fine.”

Of course, not everyone has such great results. But his statement reminded me that my situation could be far worse. And physical therapy can make a positive difference.

Besides the physical therapy sessions, I’m doing prescribed stretching exercises at home.

I’m happy to say that the pain has lessened.

And I am once again reminded that I have to give my physical health the attention that I give my mental health. It all works together: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

So I’m paying attention now.

I’ve been taking some short walks in my neighborhood as a start to being more physically active. The photos today are from those walks.

I’m going to work hard in physical therapy. I’m going to rest my arm and shoulder when I should. I’m trying to be more aware of my posture.

I’m doing my best. And that’s all we can do, right?

Leaves falling: Random 5 Friday

Happy November, everyone! I’m starting the month by joining Nancy of A Rural Journal for another week of Random 5 Friday.

One

The leaves seemed to have changed overnight in Central Virginia. Where there was still so much green last week, golds and reds color the trees and the ground underneath. It finally looks like fall around here.

A tree in our neighbor's yard.

The view down our driveway.

The trees across the street from our house.

Two

Larry did the first leaf work this week, blowing the leaves to the curb for pickup by the town. It was the first of many such chores. We have a large yard and many trees, so we have many leaves in the fall. They would smother the grass if we left them.

Trees waiting for pickup.

Three

This week I read about a study that suggests there are health benefits from keeping busy with lawn mowing, home projects, housework and the like.

Four

I also read about a study that suggests being sedentary too much can be harmful to your health. It got me thinking.

I tend to sit a lot on the job. I also sit for too long at one time. When I get up, I can barely walk at first because of stiffness in my legs and back.

So this week I experimented with setting the timer on my iPhone to remind me to get up and walk around every 45 minutes or so.

I find that I get so caught up in what I’m doing—writing, researching, talking on the phone—that I forget to get up. So here’s hoping a little electronic reminder will help.

Five

The sound I’ve chosen for the timer to go off is a Zen-like, soothing sound. My ringtone is similar. Larry’s ringtone? He picked one he said he could easily hear: the opening bars of “Bad to the Bone.”

Random 5 Friday: Exercise and TV

Fence along Route 24 in either Bedford County or Roanoke County, June 22, 2013.

Happy Friday, everyone! I’m once again joining in with Nancy of A Rural Journal for Random 5 Friday, where “you can share 5 random facts about you, your day, your pets, your kids, whatever!”

One

I want to give a grateful shout-out to my friend Lisa of Two Bears Farm. Lisa had some extra orthopedic inserts and graciously gave me pair, along with a special insert for plantar fasciitis. I received the package Wednesday, along with a kind and encouraging note from Lisa.

These will help me tremendously.

Lisa is a wonderful person and I’m so glad I found her great blog, where she writes about life in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

Thank you, Lisa!

Two

I had a physical therapy session on Thursday for the tendonitis in my elbow/arm. No, I’m not really falling apart. I’m just suffering the consequences of an unhealthy lifestyle.

Anyway, I learned some exercises to do to help the tendons in my arm and the muscles in my shoulders.

I’ve been walking at the Y on the track twice this week so far for a total of 64 minutes of walking. That doesn’t sound like much, but it’s the most I’ve walked this year. A combination of a fractured foot and inertia kept me from doing much, so my body isn’t yet used to moving so much. It lets me know, too. I’ve had ice on my heel and my knee today.

Three

After I got home from the Y Thursday (I was off work), Larry asked me to go to lunch with him and his mother to a restaurant in Gretna, a town in the next county. It’s a restaurant that serves heavy, buttery, greasy, fried food on a buffet.

I didn’t need that kind of food. But Larry wanted me to go, and sometimes we do what others want us to do, right? And we had a nice time and a nice visit with his mother.

Four

On the way to Gretna, we passed the business that belongs to a friend of Larry’s and noticed a film crew outside it.

There’s a show on the Discovery channel called Tickle that’s being filmed in Gretna and the surrounding area in Pittsylvania County. It’s fiction but done like a reality show. Larry’s friend plays “Grandpa Bill” in the show.

I don’t like the show. It’s just plain silly. And I wonder if people watching it think everyone in the South acts that way. But I have watched a little to see Bill and to look for recognizable spots in it.

Five

One difference between Larry and me is our taste in TV shows. Oh, we share some favorites. For example, we just finished watching another season of Longmire on A&E—we love that show! And we enjoy some other shows, mostly crime dramas.

But Larry loves science fiction. I don’t. He watches movies on the SyFy channel that I can only shake my head at. We both end up laughing at some of the computer-generated mess and the dialogue in some of the movies.

Thursday night, as I sat writing this post in the room next to the den, I heard this line from one of Larry’s movies: “We have to get past the dinosaurs.” I couldn’t help but laugh and tease Larry about it: “Larry, we have to get past the dinosaurs!”

I hope you all have a great weekend! And to my readers in the U.S., enjoy the Labor Day holiday!

Gathering inspiration

Have you ever received inspiration even when you didn’t realize you needed it?

I didn’t go looking for inspiration on Saturday morning, but I got some.

I didn't have any photos of the Y that I could use on the blog, but I'm showing some photos from my usual outside walking route.

I was up early and out taking photographs for a special project we’re doing for the newspaper. I spent some time at the Altavista Area YMCA, the wonderful local Y in our town.

Larry and I belong to Y, but we haven’t been using our membership much lately. It’s one of those things that we pay for every month, but forget about using.

Or, rather, we don’t make it priority to use it.

Or, rather, we drive by after eating dinner out and tell each other, “You know, we really need to go to the Y.”

I got some photos of people doing what they do at the Y—lifting weights, taking a class, using the exercise machines.

I also had a couple of conversations with people about why they exercise.

Being around people working out reminds me of how good it feels when I work out.

Hearing about why others exercise reminds me that people have many reasons for moving their bodies in deliberate ways: to improve their health, to fight the effects of aging, to feel better.

In a recent post, I wrote about my need to lose weight. I’ve been making small steps in eating less, but I haven’t done much on the exercise front except doing the plantar fasciitis exercises.

On Saturday at the Y, I picked up the new class schedules for the fall. On Sunday, I sat down and made out a schedule for my exercise for this week. It includes using the Y.

And if I feel my motivation faltering? I’ll just go hang out with others who are working out and get inspired again.

What inspires you to keep working towards a goal?

Opportunity

View of some of the woods along my walking route in my neighborhood.

Thank you for your good wishes for my doctor’s visit on Friday. The doctor x-rayed my foot again and pronounced it 90 percent healed. Not what I was hoping for, but he seemed pleased because it was better than it had been in June.

During my visit, he found a couple of other problems—minor ones, really—that I will have to deal with: plantar fasciitis in my left foot and tendonitis in my left elbow (tennis elbow).

I’m going to learn some exercises to strengthen the right muscles during two sessions of physical therapy, and he gave me some other things to do to get better.

The most important thing I took with me as I left his office was this: I had an opportunity. The opportunity to get strong and fit and become physically healthier.

I have to face the fact that I have let myself go. My muscles are weak and underused. When asked to do what they normally would do, they are balking.

Also a problem is the fact that I weigh too much.

I really like this orthopedic doctor. He draws pictures to illustrate his explanations to me, and he gives me plenty of time to ask questions.

He gave me two lists, one for my foot and one for my elbow. Here’s the one for the foot:

See that phrase third from the bottom? “Weight loss.”

It’s official. I need to lose weight and the doctor has put it in writing.

I’m putting too much weight on my foot with plantar fasciitis. And extra weight is not good for the almost-healed fracture in my right foot either.

The doctor jokingly said, “You’re falling apart.”

The take-home message for me was that I better start taking better care of myself or I will have more problems like the ones I’m having now.

I don’t see this as a burden. I see this as an opportunity to get better and feel better. And if I feel good physically, I’m going to feel better mentally and emotionally, too.

So I’m starting to eat less and plan how I can more systematically eat a healthier amount of food. I’m planning how to make time in my day to exercise.

Starting out on a walk on Saturday morning.

Step by step, I’m going to lose weight and get stronger. I have this opportunity to do that, and I’m taking it.

What is one thing you’re doing now that enhances your physical health? Please share!

A bit of memoir: Walk everywhere, eat according to plan

This is a bit of memoir about a time when I probably had a type of eating disorder, or was moving towards developing one, though I’ve never discussed it with a doctor.

I don’t know whether or not the eating habits I developed were related to my OCD. According to an article on the website of the International OCD Foundation, eating disorders and OCD are separate disorders, but they have things in common.

Thankfully, after this particular time period passed, I never had the problem again.

But when I remember this time, I remember it almost as a warning to myself.

***

Walk, walk, walk. Walk fast, keep walking. Walk, walk, walk. No buses. No cars. Just walk. Walk, walk, walk.

Walk off those calories. Walk off what I eat. Walk off those calories.

Eat according to plan. Eat according to plan. Eat according to plan.

That was my mantra for the first semester of my second year in college. Walk everywhere. And eat according to plan.

Things were not going well.

I had moved out of my first suite and into another suite with three new women. While they were nice and we got along, it was a change, and I wasn’t handling change very well.

I wasn’t handling anything very well. I walked around in a fog, unhappy and hopeless. I was afraid of everyone and everything. I went to class, I did my homework. And not much else.

But I did walk everywhere, and I did eat according to plan.

I had been to the doctor’s office the previous summer and my mother had found out that I had gained 10 pounds during my first year of college. She expressed how she felt about it—“I knew you had gained weight”—telling me that if I didn’t watch it, I would gain more.

I wasn’t overweight, but I decided to lose weight and get back down to my starting college weight, which was really underweight.

I started out by counting calories. I knew the calorie counts of all the foods I ate, and I ate pretty much the same things day after day, at the same time of the day, day after day.

I wrote down everything I ate and the calories and constantly added them up during the day. And I felt particularly successful if I could keep the calorie count low.

I lived in campus housing away from where the classrooms were. I could have taken a campus bus to class. But I didn’t want to be on a crowded bus. And I wanted to walk the calories off.

So I walked to class every day, and went early so I could avoid walking through the bigger crowds of other students.

I remember every morning at around 10 a.m. I had a break between classes and sat in one of the wide windows in the classroom building and ate a cereal bar. I knew the calorie count, of course, and that would get me through until I could make it back to the apartment to eat lunch.

Because I avoided the lunchrooms on campus. I avoided being around other people except in class.

I lost weight. I got back down to my starting-college weight, and maybe even a little lower. I was definitely underweight. And tired. So tired.

But I felt triumphant, too, that I could lose the weight, that I could control what I ate and how much I moved.

The feelings of hopelessness and despair, the desire to be alone, the fear of being around others: I know for certain that I was depressed and anxious. I didn’t seek help for those things. Instead, I walked everywhere, and ate according to plan.

Update: my 50th year

About two and a half months ago, I started my 50^th year with some plans. I thought I’d update you on how I’m doing.

My therapy is continuing. My therapist wants me to make weekly appointments through at least October for the CBASP for chronic depression.

I hope then we will have done enough work that I can focus more on cognitive behavior therapy for the obsessive-compulsive disorder.

My therapist and I are already seeing results from the CBASP therapy, so I feel like my time with him is well spent.

And my own efforts with the OCD, with encouragement from my therapist, are helping me.

One of my 50^th year goals is to get in better physical shape. I am using the plan to participate in the Giblet Jog 5K, on Thanksgiving Day to inspire me. I’m scared to death to participate in a race—I never have.

And I’ve started my “training”—if you can call it that—very slowly, without consistency.

So I’ve got some work to do within the next three months.

Another one of my goals for my 50^th year is to finish a draft of my first book. I’m not aiming for a perfect draft or the last draft, but a first draft.

I have finally written down details of how I’m going to accomplish this.

I will be continuing the writing that I’m doing now—scenes, vignettes and stories—until Nov. 30. I’ll use December to go through everything and find a structure. Then I’ll start the actual draft in January and have it finished by May 30, my 50^th birthday.

Keeping to this schedule will mean early mornings and late nights, but I am quite determined to get it done.

To accomplish these goals, I’ll have to fight the procrastination that seeps into my activities. I’ll be writing more about procrastination in a future post.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that a few weeks ago I decided go from posting every weekday to posting three times a week.

That didn’t work out. I just seemed to have more to say than three posts a week could take care of.

I’ve decided to compromise with myself. I will post Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. That will give me some breathing room while also giving me the time for doing something I love so much, blogging.

Are you working on some projects that you’ve set goals for? What would you like to share about them? Do you have any advice on how to stick to goals?

I may be huffing and puffing, but I'm helping my depression and anxiety

I was breathing so hard I could barely inhale before I had to exhale. My heart was beating hard, and I was sure it had moved up near my throat. My feet felt like they were slapping the surface of the track. And my hip hurt.

I felt like that Thursday evening after work when I was exercising at the Y. I had started out walking but decided to jog a little.

All I could think as I pushed myself around the indoor track was, I am so out of shape. Then all I could think was, I can’t do this. And then all I could think was, this is supposed to make me feel better?

Conventional wisdom says exercise is good for our health, including our mental health. I decided to do a little research into why it was helpful.

According to an article on the website Science Daily, exercises benefits those with depression and anxiety disorders and should be prescribed by mental health providers.

The article was based on a news release in April 2010 about research that had been done that showed “the efficacy of exercise programs in reducing depression and anxiety.”

It said it could be helpful to those who could not or did not wish to access traditional therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy and medication. It said exercise could also, as one of the researchers put it, act as a “’supplement to the traditional treatments, helping patients become more focused and engaged.’”

The researcher went on to say, “’Exercise appears to affect, like an antidepressant, particular neurotransmitter systems in the brain, and it helps patients with depression re-establish positive behaviors. For patients with anxiety disorders, exercise reduces their fears of fear and related bodily sensations such as a racing heart and rapid breathing.’”

The Mayo Clinic website also discusses the benefits of exercise to those with depression and anxiety. The release of neurotransmitters and endorphins may help depression, it said, and exercise also reduced immune system chemicals that could make depression worse. It said the increase in body temperature that resulted from exercise might be calming.

According to the website, exercise was also beneficial because it helped patients gain confidence, took their mind off their worries, provided them with more social interaction and helped them cope with their illnesses in a healthy manner.

I can vouch for exercise making us feel better. After I walk or bike, I feel energized and positive. I feel good about myself because I took the time to exercise and followed through on a plan to be active. Even hours after I finish exercising, I feel calmer.

And exercising just makes me feel strong.

For me, exercise is an adjunct to my other treatments, including therapy and medication. It can only help my depression and anxiety, plus it has benefits for my heart, joints and other body systems.

I am committed to exercising more and setting some goals. One goal I already have is to run in the Giblet Jog on Thanksgiving Day. The Giblet Jog is a 5K walk/run held every year in my town. It will be my first race.

I have a lot of work to do before then. But I’m making progress. Remember all that whining I was doing about my exercise session? I found that the longer I walked (I stopped jogging), the better I felt. Even my hip seemed to warm up and relax.

And one of my birthday gifts was a pair of biking gloves. I am ready to go!

For some general information about being physically active, follow this link.

What is your favorite form of exercise? How does exercise benefit you?