Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Absentmindedness

“You need to pay more attention to me,” said my husband as he walked into the room.
“What?” I asked as I looked up from my book.
I couldn’t imagine what he was talking about.
“You need to tell me when I have food on the front of my shirt,” he said.
Then he began laughing as he told me he had found dried salsa on the front of the shirt he had been wearing all morning. Evidently, he had spilled it the night before, and neither one of us had noticed.
Of course, Larry was teasing me, and he hadn’t gone out in public with the dirty shirt.
But I was reminded once again: I’m very absentminded.
***
The American Heritage Dictionary defines absentminded as, “Deep in thought and heedless of present circumstances or activities; preoccupied.
***
“Deep in thought” sounds nice—rather cerebral, refined. But for me, deep in thought has often meant I’m mulling over something I did or didn’t do or that I need to do, thoughts that stir up anxiety, obsessions that lead to compulsions.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder can keep those of us with the disorder in our heads, obsessing about harm or cleanliness or morality, reviewing compulsions we’ve done to determine if we’ve done them right.
OCD takes up time. But there are also the lost conversations, the lost movies, the lost sunset, the lost smile—all the things “out there” that we’ve lost because we’ve been deep in OCD thoughts.
***
When I was in college, my mother took me to an ear, nose and throat doctor to have my hearing checked. She said I asked others to repeat themselves too often. “Huh?” and “What?” were too standard for me.
The doctor checked my hearing and said I could “hear grass grow.” He said I needed to start paying attention to people when they talked to me.
***
I think some of my absentmindedness is also related to my introversion. I’m quiet. I often feel more comfortable listening and watching than I do talking. I can easily float away on my imagination, on a story I’ve made up in my thoughts as I people watch.
I forget where I am. I can take a 20-minute shower, walk out in front of cars in the parking lot, forget what I was going to say, walk into a room and not remember why—because I’ve gotten lost in my imagination or memories.
During dinner recently, my husband tried to tell me something, and when I asked “What did you say?” for the third time, he stopped talking until I looked up and paid attention.
***
So I have been brainstorming ways to help me focus better and be less absentminded:
*Do one thing at a time.
*Be intentionally mindful of the moment: notice the sounds, the smells, the sights around me.
*Look at people when they talk to me.
*Remember the river of thoughts and let troublesome thoughts float on by.
*Designate times to daydream and ponder.

I think I’ll always be somewhat absentminded. But maybe next time I’ll be the first to notice the salsa on my husband’s shirt.

Are you absentminded? How do you focus your attention where it needs to be?

28 comments:

  1. You and i sure have a lot in common, Tina! I'm very absent minded too, and i've become more so in the last year or so. I'm doing many of the things you mention here to improve my listening and observation skills. :) Hopefully i'll learn not to get lost in my own thoughts as often! Thank you for posting this. I can relate to your anxiety.. i really can.

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    1. Thank you, Mary. I hope these things will help my absentmindedness. I hate to be too lost in my thoughts!

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  2. I like the concept "River of Thoughts." I used to say thoughts are like pretty birds - they can fly over head but i don't have to let them nest in my hair. Your concept is better.

    Happy May!
    -g-

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    1. Thanks, Georgy. I really like your analogy of the birds. I am going to remember that and use it along with the river image.

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  3. Oh Goodness Tina, you have touched on something I am VERY guilty of. I am so absent-minded that it's not even funny! I am constantly looking for keys when they're in my hand, looking for a pen when it's behind my ear, forgetting things, etc. Maybe I was dropped on my head when I was little? :)

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    1. Keith, you made me laugh! I hope you weren't dropped! :-)

      I don't know how many times I've searched and searched for my reading glasses, only to find them perched on top of my head. I finally bought some inexpensive pairs so I could have a pair at work, a pair in my purse, and several pairs at home. And I still spend time looking for them!

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  4. My husband is very absent minded, but I'm not too bad with it. I will say I am worse than I used to be - something about the 3 kids can be overwhelming ;-)

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    1. Oh, Lisa, I wouldn't have a chance if I had three boys to take care of! I'd forget all kinds of things. :-)

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  5. Wow, Tina, I could have written this post about my son Dan, when his OCD was very active. He was always so "preoccupied" and it was so frustrating to me....he never seemed to hear me and was always "out there." Of course now I have a better understanding of what was going on, and I'm happy to say he is rarely like that anymore. As far as the salsa on the shirt goes, I wouldn't have noticed that either. I am the most unobservant person in the world, and I didn't even notice when my husband got new glasses.......I really need to work on that!

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    1. Janet, I can relate to how Dan was, and I'm glad he's better. I'm still pretty absentminded even when it's not OCD that is bothering me. I think some of it is habit. But I am trying to get better!

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  6. one does not need OCD to be absent minded! I'm always asking, "what?" in conversations. also I make written lists all the time. don't know where I'd be without my lists to follow (and constantly adding to). it is so easy to get caught up in one's own thoughts and issues.

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    1. Becky, I agree--I think I'd be absentminded even without OCD. Sometimes I make a list and then forget to look at it! :-)

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  7. I am always consumed more by my thoughts than of my surroundings. But I notice things other people probably would not notice at all. Like because of my checking compulsions, I know if something has been moved in my house..like a pillow or something or a decorative object on a table. Ugh! I concentrate on the wrong things.
    When I lived in Texas I had to drive on a 4 lane highway to work each day and when I got to work a co-worker said that he had been directly next to me in the other lane, waved and tried to get my attention for about 5 miles..when I didn't respond he honked and I still didn't look over. On that particular occasion I remember that I had been on vacation and was deep in thought because coming back to work after being off mean't I'd have a ton of work to catch up on and I was worried about how much would be stacked up on my desk. I hated playing catch up. We all laughed about it in the office, but it made me realize how deeply I can get into my thoughts.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story, Krystal Lynn. That would probably be me--not seeing the co-worker on the road! And when I'm caught up in OCD, I notice things others probably wouldn't notice, too, and focus on things no one else is thinking about, like--is the light out?

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  8. I'm not absentminded but I think it's so funny that your Mom took you to get your hearing checked!

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    1. Elizabeth, it was especially funny because my hearing ended up being so sharp!

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  9. i would rather say that i am "forgetfull" at times....i notice everything!!

    i can hear grass grow ;))))

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    1. Debbie, Grass sounds really funny when it's growing, doesn't it? :-)

      I notice things about people's moods, expressions--I've very sensitive that way. But when I'm lost in thought, I miss some obvious things.

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  10. I don't think I'm absentminded but I do tend to stop listening when I start worrying over something. There was a while there a few years ago, that I realized I was a terrible listener and I realized that I was getting so consumed with anxious thoughts, that I would tune out my poor husband.

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    1. Kristina, I feel sorry for my husband because he has to repeat himself too often. I really need to focus more for his sake especially.

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  11. Oh this sounds so familiar to me:) I have no idea what is on my husbands shirt but I consider him a big boy:) I to have the same problems. I tend to live in my own head. I have learned to live with this and sadly so has he. Hug B

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    1. Buttons, I guess I'll always live a certain amount of time in my head. Hoping I can get out of it more, though. :-)

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  12. i think we all struggle to make true connections with people - with tvs, music, cell phones, texting, laptops, etc., we're often doing 2 or 3 things at once and not even 'hearing' the other person or seeing them. and i'd imagine getting lost in your own thoughts more often would only complicate that.

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    1. Tex, I agree that there are so many distractions nowadays--electronic ones that we used to not have. That's probably easier to get away from than thoughts.

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  13. You never cease to amaze me, Tina. I think it is a wonderful thing that you are able to look at yourself, find where you are lacking, and try to improve! Good on you! As far as absentmindedness goes, I think we all have moments like this at one time or another. Sometimes (thankfully not too often, LOL!) I will go into a room and forget what I went in for, my mind is so cluttered with all the things I want to accomplish. Great post!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, Linda. I appreciate it. Isn't that a funny feeling, to walk purposefully into another room and then not remember why? :-)

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  14. That's good advice whether or not one is "absent-minded." Sometimes I just wander off mentally, but I usually come back.

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    1. Thanks, Barbara. I've been practicing mindfulness for a while. I've still got a lot of practice ahead of me, but it does help.

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